Learning to Live

A taste of my own medicine.

2011-05-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

I met a girl the other night at church, I just got her name and nothing else. Well, when I got home she had already sent me a FB friend request.. We chatted for a little while and some red flags went up but I figured I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.. A couple days later I watched the American Idol finale at her house. She was super shy and only made eye contact a couple times. This girl is 33 years old, so its not like she just moved out of the house.. Well, she is living in a house her dad owns and is driving one of their extra cars and she doesn't have a job for the summer.. Well, I can relate to the "being unemployed" part. But anyway, since we hung out she has been texting me non stop.. I can relate to that part though, (and Heidi also brought this up) in the past when I've started liking a girl it has been instant infatuation and all I did was focus on her and want to talk to her and want to be with her and want to hold her and want to talk to her... I know, crazy! I can't believe some of those girls actually dated me.. Because, when you are on the receiving end you can almost feel suffocated... So, she wants to be friends with me. There are not many people that I have refused friendship so we will see how this goes.. So far the guidelines are, text or chat when you have something important to say and say everything else through emails and if we are out somewhere it will be in a group. I am hopeful that she will understand how her actions are being perceived..

This is where I start being brutally honest and since very few people read this, those who choose to comment let me know if I'm being shallow or if these are legitimate gripes. I would not consider myself highly educated but one thing that really annoys me is when people do not use proper grammar.. Just simple stuff like speaking properly and not using slang all the time.. It is just polite to try to speak properly. Something else that I've recently noticed that bothers me is when people type letters as if they were texting, using things like "u" instead of "you" and "now" instead of "know" and misspelling common words or using them in the wrong way like "its" instead of "it is." It just shows a lack of attention to detail or that they don't really care what they are saying, or that's how I perceive it. Sure, I'm not perfect and sometimes I use a word in the wrong way but I try to catch myself.

Anyway, now I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of infatuation. So far I don't really like it..

She was defriended..

2011-05-02T17:32:00.000-07:00

I have a pretty good friend who I met on Speeddate, she lives in Iowa. We have never met however we know each other fairly well.. Well, I probably know more facts about her then she does me but that's probably because I ask more questions.. And I try to listen. She's pretty cool. We bounce stuff off of each other from time to time and neither one of us are right all the time but its good to have someone to give me honest and frank advise... Today she asked me to explain the situation that was bothering me yesterday.. I got the answer to the question that I asked.. I kinda already knew the answer but it was good to get a confirmation and a little support. The question I posed was this, "If you call a girl and you know that she is there but she doesn't answer, then what does that mean?" I guess I was looking for a more detailed answer but what my friend told me made sense. Her response was, "It means that the girl doesn't like you..." Now, I was hoping that it meant that she didn't like talking on the phone.. But the explanation I got made sense.. If you call a girl and she at least likes you as a friend, then she is going to pick up. If she doesn't even really like you enough to inconvenience herself, then she's probably not a friend at all." I asked if I should defriend this chick and delete her phone number (hoping that my friend in Iowa would say that was too harsh) she instead told me that that was what I should do. Once again, she explained it well saying, "she is not being nice and she is hurting you.." I was being hurt, not bad I guess, but more then a true "friend" would "hurt" another friend. Most of my friends are happy to talk on the phone... Or, at the very least, they will text me and say that they are busy or something like that... But a girl that doesn't want to talk to you doesn't even apologize for missing your call!

This girl told me that she didn't like it when guys played games with her... But she plays her own games.. I feel played.. The things I did wrong for "playing the game.." Firstly, I hate playing games like this, I say it how it is and pick up the pieces afterwards.. Secondly, I made it too easy for her to walk all over me.. If she wants to be friends with me then she will have to send me a friend request on fb or text me. Its like breaking up only we were never in a relationship (or friendship for that matter). Do you know how many of my ex girlfriends have contacted me after we broke up? Let me think... Maybe one and that was several years later and she was happily married with kids.. So, I don't think this girl will miss me enough to contact me. I always hope but this hope will soon fade.. Thirdly, I should have seen the signs... The first sign: I told her that I wanted to continue corresponding with her and she told me, "I'm not very good at corresponding with people who I don't see on a day to day basis.." I appreciated her honest, I think that was her trying to let me down lightly.. I'm a sucker.. Or I have to take that for what it is and it was her telling me not to expect or hope for anything. Lastly, I should have known it would never work, she's "out of my league." She's probably one of the prettiest girls I ever tried to pursue and like my friend in Iowa put it, "Travis, you're not a Frat boy.."

Ms. Iowa's advise for me. "Give it a break and focus on other stuff..." The thing is, I always get in really good shape after a break up. When the last girl I dated from Iowa broke up with me I got in the best shape of my adult life. I started running every day before work.. I work up to running about three and a half miles and I was pretty fast.. One day I even ran five miles before work.. I think I ran for two months straight.. I hated my job and I wanted to get away.. The best way for me to do that was to run and run fast.. Kinda like punishing my body, but in a good way. I just got done doing P90X, it really is punishment.. But it helps me focus on other stuff. I have wasted too much of my time looking for girls.. And I need to focus on college this fall and getting into Carlson. Oh, and maybe I'll focus on dancing a bit too!

I need to stop wasting my time on girls.

2011-05-02T07:18:00.001-07:00

I woke up this morning thinking about what I was thinking about last night... I have decided that I need to stop wasting time on girls. Girls are not a waste of time, but I waste a lot of time trying to pursue them on Match.com, or trying to chat with them on facebook.. I need to try to do what Heidi told me to do a while ago, she said, "Stop trying so hard, you just need to wait around and then girls will ask you to do stuff rather then you always asking them." I guess this is true, the girls that really care about me will want to do stuff with me. But the girls who just care about themselves will expect me to call and flatter them. Maybe I just make it too easy to get used. I think that's it, I get taken for granted. The funny thing is though, I'll probably still want the specific girls that I like to contact me of fb or something like that, I guess I'll just have to resist contacting them when it would be so easy to drop them a line.. I'll probably be waiting forever.

What does it mean when you call a girl and she doesn't pick up even though you know that she is really there??

2011-05-01T22:48:00.001-07:00

I was on my way to church tonight when my car died, then I got home and heard that Osama Bin Laden had been eliminated. So my night went from sucky to pretty decent. And then I chatted with a girl online for a while. I've chatted with girls online a lot, I guess I don't know what to think. Maybe girls aren't that much different from guys in some regards.. Like, we are both putting ourselves out there, wanting to be understood, but at the same time we probably don't want to be understood to the point that it would take away some type of advantage that we have, or feel we have over each other. Its like a boy vs. girl sort of thing. We both want everything from the other side but we still hold back. Well, I don't feel like I'm holding anything back. I'm just confusing myself. Maybe the problem that I have is that I want something that I can't really have.. This girl, for example, I think she is really cool. Maybe cool is too old school of an explanation. I think that she is super awesome.. Better? Anyway, maybe she is unattainable because of the distance.. But I have a feeling that if the distance was not an issue then something else would be an issue. Maybe it just comes down to the fact that she doesn't like me like that and never will. In that case, for me to try to be her friend then I'm trying for all the wrong reasons. She could probably "get" any guy that she wanted, however I've heard girls tell me the same thing. But then I find a girl that I think I "want" but the feelings aren't reciprocated. Its hard though.. There are a lot of other girls out there and I have a feeling that the ones that I "want" probably aren't interested in me. I don't think I'm a bad guy, but I must not have the qualities that they expect or desire. I should be fine with that, or at least be able to move in another direction. Maybe I just see what I want to see, or see what I'm looking for. Or, maybe I don't know how to read the signs. I'm pretty sure that is one of my problems. If a girl is only willing to do what is easy for her then I shouldn't be willing to put myself out there for her. Girls seem to live my their own rules.. Or have expectations for guys but guys don't know what those expectations are. I guess my biggest question would be, "what does it mean when you like chatting with a girl but she doesn't want to talk to you on the phone?" I've run into this a couple of times... Like, a girl will be texting me and personally, I would rather talk on the phone, so I call them and then they don't answer. What does that mean? Does it mean that they don't like talking on the phone? Or does it mean that they just don't want to talk to me? Maybe it just means that they are in the bathroom and they don't want to talk... Or is it like a test? Like, do they want me to try again later? I think that's my biggest question right now.. Well, I could call back later but then that would feel like I was stalking them and I don't know if that's how she would perceive it.. I want to believe that is just means that they don't like talking on the phone. But in the case with this specific girl, don't think she want's to talk on the phone with me. If she wanted to talk on the phone with me then you would think that she would say, "hey, call me.." or something like that. I guess I come back to the question of why the girls that I'm really attracted to or really enjoy hanging out with me don't really like me? This is where the people sitting on the fence, watching the situation unfold, say, "she doesn't like you, deal with it you schmuck, move along..." So, I guess that's what my biggest question about girls is... "What does it mean when you call a girl and she doesn't pick up even though you know that she is really there?" I guess it could mean any number of things based on each woman's situation, but I think if I knew the answer to that question and understood it, I would be better off...

Lonely and confused..

2011-04-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I get lonely. I watch TV or surf the internet. Its like I want to have someone to talk to but at the same time I don't want to come across as a lonely person. Sometimes I think lonely people are creepy.. Is it wrong to want to talk to someone? Well, for right now I would settle for just about anyone, but eventually I think I would be content with just one person. Or one person with a couple of good friends.. I was just thinking that I have spend the whole morning not talking to anyone, but I spoke to a friend on the phone for about two minutes, so there goes my streak.

I think I get attached to people too quickly.. Or I open up too quickly. A girl once told me that women like guys who are mysterious, I don't think I am very good at being mysterious. I've tried to be mysterious though... But, for some reason, it doesn't seem to work very well for me. Another guy told me that I should get women to think that they need to talk to me all the time.. But then he spends hours on the phone with his girl friend when he would rather be doing other things. I've seen him on the phone and he looks so bored!! LOL! I told him that he is so good at getting her to think that she has to talk to him that now he can't get her off the phone! I guess my biggest "problem" in "playing the game" is that I don't care to play that game or any game. I just what a wholesome relationship with a woman that I can just chill with and share my life with.

The other day I chatted with a female friend of mine who finds herself in a situation very similar to my own. Its funny how she deals with some of the same stuff that I deal with only she is on the opposite side of the matter. She has to deal with the guys who are playing the game and taking everything that they can get. I feel for her, and at the same time I am hoping that she finds a guy a lot like myself. Someone who will treat her with respect, want to do things with her, protect her, encourage her and serve her. Oh, and trust her and love her. There are times where I want to go find a girl like that and treat her right and there are other times that I just want to stay at home and do nothing. Well, I don't like staying at home, but I don't know what else to do. I'm on Match.com and I see lots of girls on there, but when you already like a girl it is hard to "go shopping" for another girl. Well, that's what it feels like, shopping the classifieds for a woman who has things in common with me.. I am so thankful to have friends who are girls, they are more fun to talk to then guys! I think I like a girl anyway, but its is far safer just to try to be her friend. I think that's my biggest problem today.. Its not that I am bored, its more that I don't understand some stuff. Like, should I make a change in my life, move away from my friends and family, and out of Minnesota? Its chilly outside today.. The Spring and Fall seasons can seem so long.. So warmer temps are sounding good right about now.. And if I were to choose to move, would it be for the wrong reasons? Who's to say if a reason is right or wrong. Would a move like that be "living with no regrets" or would be just be making a big mistake? I think I would rather live with a mistake rather then living with a regret. What did God tell me? Maybe I should ask him since I've spent all this time thinking about it and I haven't gotten anywhere doing it by myself...

Spring Cleaning..

2011-04-13T09:39:00.000-07:00

I get into these spurts.. Like, one time I thought it would be fun to scrap book, but it only took about five pages to do my whole life.. Or the pictures that I had on hand anyway.. Today, I got into this cleaning spurt.. I'm not done yet but when I am finished I hope for my room to be really clean with an area in the middle big enough to do a swingout.. I think I might go get some filing cabinets or a book shelf, something that will allow me to better organize. Yesterday I picked up some filing boxes, the type with handles on them so they are pretty mobile. I actually bought two different types, one for personal files and one for military filing. My current method of filing is just throwing everything into my filing box, in an orderly fashion... But there are really old files in there that I don't need and it really isn't very organized. I guess part of my motivation to do this is because I had my room pretty clean when I left and I want to be organized. I want to know exactly where everything is and not waste time looking for things. I'm really good at keeping everything important but I'm pretty good at keeping everything that isn't important too... So then I have everything, but I don't need most of the stuff. Another thing that is motivating me is being able to move.. I haven't decided to move but I want to be flexible. I don't want to live is this house forever! I like it, but I want something more.. I do have it pretty good though, $300 a month plus utilities. I spend $300 staying in a hotel room for three days! I couldn't wait to get out of there, I can't justify spending that kind of money! I need to budget too. Now that I'm out of credit card debt and I could potentially be out of student loan debt, it is extremely important that I live within my means. Once I budge everything I have to make sure that I am putting money in savings. If you are not saving money then you are not living within your means...

I have a lot of stuff. I guess some of this is just in my blood. My dad has several cars, and a bone yard of old cars that still have lots of good "parts" on them. Does he need all those things? Well, no, but it is something of a hobby for him. In going through my stuff I have found things that I have collected with good intentions but then they have just sat around. I have to ask myself, "Am I really going to make another shirt for Rendezvous? I I really need all the boots that that Military has given me? Do I need 8 pairs of good jeans and 6 pair of play jeans?? I just have so much stuff. I'm not a hoarder like on those TV shows, thankfully.. My room can get messy but then I get into one of these spurts... Well, I have a hair cut scheduled for 3:00 so that gives me a drop dead time of 2:30... Its noon right now so I should be able to reorganize my room, unpack my bags (civilian and military), repack my military bag for this weekend, organize my military filing box, tidy up the rest of my room, go through my clothes and toss some of them and be ready to leave the house for my hair cut. Speaking of going through my clothes, a friend of mine told me that I could make a quilt out of my old T-shirts so that I am able to keep them around even though I won't be wearing them anymore.. I wish I had considered that last time I threw out like 10 T-shirts that I liked but didn't really wear anymore. I've never made a quilt but I think it sounds like a great idea... But then again, it kinda sounds like a good intention that might never happen. We will have to see what shirts I am considering throwing out..

Two bloggs in two days.. I need to get a job!!

Back in Minnesota.

2011-04-12T08:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back in Minnesota after spending about five months in Kentucky. I am going to miss my friends in Kentucky a lot! Sure, I have friends in MN but I seemed to really connect with a couple people in KY. The person I connected best with was Jonathan, he and I seemed to really understand each other. I think we are at similar points in our lives and we see the good in other people. He was so encouraging and always up for anything. I think our friendship would have continued to grow had I stayed there longer. I got close to a couple girls while I was there too, girls that were totally cool with just hanging out, I already miss them. It is friendships like that that I don't really have in MN. I guess I should hang out with my friends here more. I kinda want to move back there.. But it is feelings like these that will probably fade in time. If they don't fade then I can definitely see myself living in KY and visiting Minnesota from time to time. The weather here seems to be more consistent then KY. Sure we have our days where it is warm one day and literally freezing the next but they changes from the highs to lows are not as drastic as they are in KY. I think I would have to have working A/C if I were to live in KY. In MN, you really only miss A/C for a month or two and then it works great all winter (when you don't need it). Another thing that is really different in MN is the swing dancing scene. I went dancing last night to a live band and there were probably only about 30 people there but about half of them were as good or better then most of the swing dancers in Louisville.. But I'll take good friendships over good swing dancing any day!

Things on my to do list are: Go to the bank and deposit my tax returns, file for unemployment, unpack all my stuff, get ready for drill this weekend, look for a job and go to a Peter Strom swing dance lesson, probably pretty close to that order. I looked for a job last night but I don't really know what I want to do.. I applied for some HR jobs at Fort Knox and it would be a God send if I was given the opportunity to get a good job down there. There are a lot of bank here in the Metro area and I would like to work for Chase Bank because I have collected indirectly for them in the past and was really impressed by their company, but there are not many jobs with Chase here in MN.. Wells Fargo is always hiring but I don't really want to be a teller or a call center banker.. The call center hours are kinda demanding 9-6 and weekends.. Yeah, I don't really want to be married to my job, a life outside of work would be nice.. I am kinda unmotivated right now and I haven't really started looking yet. I think I'm going to try to borrow P90X from some of my friends, so I'm going to do that to try to get into shape! Well, I'm already in pretty good shape but I want to be in really good shape! Maybe I'll go for a run tomorrow, I don't really feel like it today.

Well, I should do something with my day. Maybe I'll play Angry Birds for a bit.. What an addicting game..

Its almost time to leave Kentucky.

2011-04-06T08:53:00.000-07:00

I am going to graduate from Armor Basic Officer Leadership Course today.. I have a lot of thought running through my head.. Did I try as hard as I should have? I didn't get any awards, it would have been nice but did I really want an award? I will miss the friends that I have made while I have been down here, will I ever make it back? Did I say things that were better left unsaid? Is there someone out there for me or have I already met her? Will I find a good job once I get back? Will I find a job down here and move down here? What do I want in life? I've asked that before but maybe I don't really know what I want.. There are so many questions and so few answers..

Packing...

2011-03-16T21:24:00.001-07:00

Well, I did it again.. I took a nap earlier today because I was so tired and then I stayed up late packing for ten days in the field.. This is the last big push, we will be tested on everything that they have been teaching us over the past three and a half months! I am not too nervous, I know I can do everything, I just have to pay attention to the details. We will be given an order and then we will have to cater that order to our Platoon, but we will be working with a company sized unit and will have to work together with other platoons. It should be really good training! In all the training we have had we have only done about three company sized missions.. Oh, and another thing, we will be sleep deprived! We should get about three to four hours of sleep a night, and the last five days we'll get two hours of sleep every third day! Like I said, it should be some good training!!

I don't have too many really good friends down here.. No one that I can just hang out with and talk about life.. I guess I get lonely, so I've chatting with friends back home on FB, it has really helped! I am a little nervous about going home. I have some money saved up, but I don't know if I am going to pay off my loans from school or just try to save it.. I could probably pay off all of my loans but then I wouldn't have very much money.. And then there is tithe. I want to give ten percent so I might see if one of my missionary friends have any needs. Tithe is kinda tough.. Like it would be so easy just to keep the money.. I read a book on tithing once. In the book the author talked about how tithing isn't necessarily easy but it is giving something or worth for someone who gave everything. I guess I have a saying that I kinda live by, "money will come and go but you'll always have your family.." Family here on earth is different from our eternal family but that's probably just because we compartmentalize our lives.. I am a part of God's family when I want to be or when I look for it.. But it really isn't that way, or it shouldn't be.

I have been considering moving to KY. I've been thinking about it for probably about a month now. I've prayed a lot and thought about it but I am thinking that it is more of a thought then a plan. There are some really cool people down here, they have swing dancing a couple times a week and I like the area. I will miss my family but I could probably get up to see them a couple times a year.. I don't know, it would be a big step and a lot of things would have to line up to make it an option.. I am probably going to try to get unemployment benefits for a couple weeks or months.. The amount that I will get should be about equal to what I was getting before I came down here, so I will definitely be able to live off of it and still be able to save.. I will probably try to get a job at Wells Fargo or some other bank, I think that would be a good career move for me and it would give me some experience in the banking industry if I chose to move.. I probably wouldn't make too much but I think I would enjoy the job. It would probably be a lot of standing around.. Sometime I would like to have a job that involves sitting. Sitting is easier on your body. I'm starting to sound old, worrying about my body and all.

I guess what it all comes down to is focusing on God and where he is going to take me. I put so many other things before Him and my relationship with Him.. Paul is one of my hero's. He had so much faith! Sure, he had some pretty amazing things happen to him but he went where God sent him and didn't really complain about it. I am looking forward to meeting him some day, when "my mission is done." Or when Jesus comes back. Well, I need to get up in about three hours so I should probably hit the hay.

Looking back on my last ten years and looking forward to the next...

2011-03-01T07:39:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to me! Sometimes I wonder if I should have planned my life better, or had goals for my life. But then I realize that every time I make a plan for my life it doesn't work. I was putting a BIO together for the NG and it occurred to me that it took me ten years to get through college.. Sure, two years were a tech school and four years were for my BS so the fastest it could have been was 6 years.. But it still struck me as a long time. But I can look back over those ten years and see all the cool things I did, the numerous countries I visited and the people I interacted with. Over that time I went to the Philippines, Germany, France, Guatemala, Mexico, Bosnia, Hungry, Iraq and Qatar.. I don't think I would have thought about planning for that when I graduated HS.. And I played soccer, took up disc golf, and ran a 5k in under 20 minutes.. Oh, and swing dancing.. Swing Dancing has been my most rewarding accomplishment! But I want more.. I never thought I would be as good as I am now but I still think of myself as an intermediate..

Turning 31 seems old.. I still feel like I'm 27 or 28.. I'm in good shape and I stay active. Thankfully I have matured a ton in the past ten years.. Both spiritually and mentally. Spiritually speaking, I feel that I have realized that I am not as invincible as I once thought.. I think a lot of young males go through that stage.. I find myself looking for strength in Christ rather then relying on my own power. And that's where the planning starts to come it again, but this time around it is more about seeking guidance rather then looking for answers. If Jesus told me the answers would I believe Him, just like at the age of 19 or 20 would I believe I would have done all the things I've accomplished in the past ten or so years? Probably not.. So now I talk to God about what is going on in my life and see where He takes me. He has lead me to join the NG after getting out, something I was not sure I would have ever done, but it turned my life around financially and has brought me to where I am today. Why am I here though.. But that is looking for answers again.. Its better to say, "thanks for bringing me here, now use me.." That's where the living part of my faith comes in. The only way that is going to work is by focusing on Him and including Him in my day rather then praying and meditating at night.. Does God read my bloggs? Of course he does! Thanks for being there bud, or I mean, God.. I am anxious to see where you take me in the next ten years! I know it will be great and probably more then I ever would have believed if you were to tell me right now! I can't wait, I know it will go by fast! Thanks for everything!

"Enjoy the Moment" changes to "Enjoying the Moments."

2011-02-27T15:56:00.000-08:00

I was chatting with a good friend on FB the other day and she said something that has stuck with me for the past couple of days.. She said, "Enjoy the moment," when I was telling her what was new with my life. It is in those moments that you are able to look back, it is what memories are made of. Some of the "moments" that I look back on and always bring a smile to my are are the months that I spent with my friends, Matt, Leah, Jaron and Kristy. We spent a summer together and that summer changed our lives. The summer ended in a grand fine-ally when we spent the weekend together. Well, I can't speak for everyone but Jaron and Leah are married and have a baby together, so it changed their lives.. Kristy will be an eternal friend no matter where her life takes her and Matt and I will always have a connection. At the time, I think we all knew that we would never be spending a weekend like that together ever again but everything was perfect. Oh, it was so perfect. I praise God for giving us these moments. Other "moments" that I have enjoyed are "moments" that just happen and you don't really enjoy them until you are looking back on them. I guess life just happens so fast that the moment is here and gone before you realize it ever happened. But I will always be able to look back on the experiences and know that we all shared it together. When I was talking to the woman who told me this, I was telling her about plans I was making and how I might be making some changes in my life.. I want to be able to enjoy the moment but when I find someone special I want that moment to change into life.. So I won't necessarily be "enjoying the moment" because everything I do will be enjoyable.. Does that make sense? I guess it would change from a past tense "enjoy" into a present tense, "enjoying..." "Enjoying the moments," everything you are doing is an adventure and there won't be a change from ordinary to special. It will all be special..

Now I'm going to make a bit of a stretch to 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." This is what God wants for us..? What I take away from this passage is that Christ is here, with us, now. We don't look back as say, "That was awesome spending time with Jesus.." Jesus didn't leave, he's been here all along.. We don't go away and share a weekend with him and then go on with our life because he is there right now! I'm not waiting for a chance He will have to just hang out with me because he is already there, enjoying the moments we are always spending with Him.. So, right now, I'm enjoying the moments with Jesus. What's up Jesus? How ya doing bra? Kickin' it with my homie, brotha J. Ever present. Thank you for everything, Jesus..

"I am coming back to the heart of worshing and its all about you, its all about you Jesus."

2011-02-23T15:57:00.000-08:00

I know I just blogged like five minutes ago but I've been doing a lot of reflecting tonight. I guess that's what happens when you sit and think about your life and wonder about things. I came to the realization that I have been doing a lot of compromising the past couple of months.. Thankfully I have not compromised in areas like premarital sex or anything like that but I have been tempted.. A song just came to me, "I'm coming back to the heart of worship and its all about you, all about you Jesus." Reflecting on that thought, lately it has not been about Jesus, its been about Travis. And this feeling is empty. I want to live for something more then myself. At church last week the pastor was preaching out of Act's, one of my favorite books, his challenge to us as a congregation was to go and tell the world about the good news of Christ. Being raised in the church I know all of these things but I'm not living for Him. I think that has a lot to do with the pattern that I am in. I have this constant longing for female companionship but every time I become interested in someone I go running in that direction.. Why. Because I'm human I guess.. Maybe I don't have an answer for it. Okay, I don't have an answer for it. I am weak and its only when I realize this that I go running back to Christ. Its an up and down pattern. I need to stop compromising but the only way to do that is to focus on Jesus, not everything else that takes up my time from day to day. I need to make time for Jesus just like I make time for studying and swing dancing. It will take a conscious effort but I know that it will be rewarding. When I look back on my life I realize that the times that I have been most heart broken or sad it has only been my relationship with Jesus that has gotten me through those times. My family has been supportive and encouraging but when I have focused on Christ it has made the biggest difference. Once again, I find myself on the bottom looking up, not knowing where I am going to go or what I am going to do. My job ends in just over a month and I will have to live on savings but I believe that I am here for a reason. I believe that I am going through these trials so that I can once again realize that I am here because I have lost focus but at the same time I am right where I am supposed to be. And I find myself thanking God for everything that he has blessed me with. Everything.

Who needs girls when you've got God. I quit girls.

2011-02-23T15:24:00.000-08:00

Yeah, I'm not with that girl that I blogged about last.. She and I correspond about once a week, she is really busy.. I am thankful that I do not wait for her to call anymore, she hasn't called since a couple days after I got back down here. Her profile is active on Match.com again, I don't really care though. Sometimes there is so much clarity when you can look at a situation in the past. I feel like I'm coming to a point in my life that my sister, the 27 year old, came to when she was in HS.. She bid off boys, said that she was not interested in them at all, and vowed that she would become a Nun. Well, we went to a Protestant Church so she wasn't really going to become a Nun, but that's what she said. My Match.com profile is active right now, but I haven't met many people on there. I've actually met more people swing dancing.. I met this one girl who is really special, it makes me wish that I was living in Louisville. I'm tempted to try and move down here but I don't know what my friends and family would say.. I don't even know what this girl would say.. I could save up my money, I should actually be able to do that now that all but my college loans are paid for.. I think I keep on coming back to the same conclusion, I need to focus on God... I'll be honest, I have really drifted away from him. I pray, but not as often as I used to, I read my Bible last night but it was the first time in a while, I went to church last weekend and it was great.. I feel like Paul, asking himself why he sins so much and why he does the things that the world does.. I know that God created me to be special and that I'm not a bad guy, I know that he loves me and has cared for me this whole time even though I have done things that he does not approve of.. I need God in my life more then I need any woman, more then I need to swing dance, more then the enjoyment I would get out of owning a nice car or a big truck.. He has blessed me so much, and I usually don't realize it. I am so thankful for what I have.

Where I'm at in my life..

2011-01-16T20:58:00.000-08:00

I think I'm still dating the same girl that I blogged about last... I came home for Christmas to visit my friends and family and to spend some time with my girl friend. The thing is, I think we spent too much time together for as short as we were dating.. I guess she was able to see what I'm really like.. After spending so much time together we both realized that our relationship had a long ways to go. Here is a little insight into how I feel my mind works with I'm away doing military stuff. When I'm here, surrounded by a bunch of other guys, one of the things that gets me through it all is having something to look forward to.. Like when I was at Fort Benning I met a girl online and corresponded with her for about a month or so. It made that last month go fast as I was looking forward to meeting her. Well, I met her and she told me that it wasn't going to work out for various reason. I was fine with that, at least she was honest with me.

Well, taking that perspective into consideration with my current interest these past few days have been challenging. I really like this woman and being away from someone you care about is always hard, but there are a couple of things that help people get through stuff like this. I guess sometimes all I need is a little bit of encouragement. For example, I have gotten some short texts from her telling me that she has been sick lately and I know that she has had a lot of things going on in her life, but just getting a text saying that she is thinking about me or hopes that I have a good day can go a long ways. Shortly after I got back to KY she and I had a DTR (defining the relationship) conversation. Well, it was kinda a DTR only we didn't really define it, we more said that we had to focus on the here and now of our lives rather then getting to far ahead of ourselves. I agreed with her and told her that I will support her in whatever she does. I felt like I wanted to empower her and I wanted her to know that I wanted what was best for her. I guess sometimes I worry and when that happens I just want her to tell me that everything is going to be okay.. But at the same time I can appreciate her telling me that its not okay and its over.. I guess its the part about not knowing or understanding what is going on. One of the many things that is special about this woman is that she is a "straight shooter, no none sense kind of gal," meaning, she says it like it is. So that's the part where I just want to be patient and let her tell me how she feels. If nothing else, I feel like I am becoming more trusting, I'm allowing her to dictate the terms of our relationship, even if it is more of a friendship then anything else..

I guess something else that I am learning is that I don't have many close friends. I think some of it has to do with proximity. Like when I'm in the cities I have some friends who I enjoy doing activities with but when I'm away from home I don't talk to them at all. I have some friends that moved out of the cities but I don't see them as much as I once did, and other friends have moved out of the country so I have lost touch with them.. When my parents moved 7 hrs North of the cities it really decreased my interaction with them as well. My dad still calls me almost weekly, I am thankful for that.

Everything else is going well down here. I am anxious to be busy again, when I'm busy I don't think about my personal life.. It helps me put off worrying about finding a job when I get back to MN and all those other things that I tend to worry about. But this time away has helped me realize that I have to looking forward to other things. I have to look forward to finding a job. I want to find a "dream job" or at least a job that will challenge me but more importantly, something that I will be good at.. I should be able to pay off some of my student loans and possibly get unemployment until I find something that will pay well. I'll have to look into government jobs or working for the State through the military.. I need to be patient and work hard at finding a job rather then taking the easy route, because that usually turns into the hard route.. And I need to focus on God, that's something I haven't been doing for the past couple of months. Pray for me if you think about it,

Thanks,

Trav

I'm not single anymore..

2010-11-01T19:29:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back from Fort Benning and I met a woman through Match.com. I have actually met a hand full of women the past couple of months and I guess I scared some of them away... I think I try too hard.. In the past girls have told me that I'm "too nice.." I think that means that I don't challenge them enough or something like that.. Like I try to make them happy but in doing so I don't make it a challenge for them.. Everyone likes a challenge, right? So I would start dating a girl and then I would want to talk to her all the time. That's how it was in high school anyway. Maybe my tactics haven't changed much since then.. I think I get comfortable with the girl and then I tell her what I'm feeling.. Growing up with so many sisters I think I just got used to verbalizing with I'm thinking. I'm not saying that I would be the best communicator with my sisters but I've always been a pretty open guy. And I thought that girls liked knowing what a guy wanted or what was on his mind.. Well, if he does that then he isn't very mysterious.. Its hard for me to be mysterious because when I get something in my head I just have to open my mouth and verbalize it..

One of my friends (a girl who I would never date because we really don't see eye to eye on a lot of the important issues) told me that I'm too intense and I just have to tone it down a little bit. She actually knows second hand because she introduced me to her sister.. Her sister and I never met but we just chatted on the phone and I couldn't even pull that off... I felt like her sister was willing to talk to me a bunch over the phone but I guess that was just my perception. Well, each girl I've dated seems to be more and more like the woman I always hoped I would find myself with. This girl that I'm dating now is very special to me and I really don't want to mess it up. It seems like I'm always learning to be more patient.. I feel like I'm a patient person but lately I've found that I'm not very good at it.. But I think I'm getting better and being that I don't want to screw up I've learned that I have to be patient and just take things as they come.. I've been praying a bit lately and asking for guidance and I feel like God is telling me to take it easy.. Its hard to take it easy when you feel like you like someone so much, especially when she seems to be such an awesome person.. I still have an active profile on Match.com but so many of the girls don't really compare to the one I'm dating. I just really enjoy spending time with her! And that's something I have not had for a really long time.

The military seems to always complicate my life... I meet this awesome woman and then a couple weeks after I meet her I have to go to Fort Knox, KY for five months of training. Anything can happen in those five months.. I haven't been dating this girl for very long so maybe you could say that I'm still on the "first few weeks of dating" high.. I'm nervous that she is going to meet someone else but at the same time I know I'm a pretty good guy. I hope I'm the type of guy that she's interested and that the distance won't be that big of a problem.. I guess that's where faith comes in. Faith that God has a plan. I have to trust in Him and know that he is in control. Since I haven't been posting much I'm anxious to fast forward a couple of months and see where things are with this girl. I really hope that it goes well but at the same time I know that if I don't end up with this girl then I will have faith that God will bring the right one to me. But as of right now I am really hoping that I've already met her and our journey together is just starting. Only time will tell.

I'm glad I'm single

2010-06-11T21:35:00.000-07:00

I'm down here at Officer Candidate School in Fort Benning Georgia and it seems like I'm always hearing guys talking on the phone to their loved ones and things don't seem to be going well. The Army can be very difficult on relationships... There is this guy who I know pretty well who has been trying to do nice things for his gf/fiancee but nothing seems to work. He buys her flowers but they are dead when she gets them... Or he tried to call her and she is always busy... But then he gets her on the phone and things are going okay but not great.. The guy has been away from home for three or four months and has been trying to do everything right since he left but she is still upset about things that he did before he left... He's a good guy and he is spinning his wheels but not really going anywhere... I'm glad I'm not that "that guy..."

And there is another guy who I heard talking to his gf and she is not happy about him calling her or the time that he is calling her... What is he supposed to do? He is trying so hard..

I have looked for girls on the internet and what not but that is difficult.. The thing is, I don't know that I would know what to do with a girl if I ever caught one.. I've been out of 'the game' for so long.. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like I'm 'that guy' that I never wanted to be... You know, the forty year old virgin type of guy..

But I'm glad I'm single. I can't imagine trying to make something work at a time like this. We had a briefing a couple of weeks ago for the Family Readiness Group and the women there were telling us how they have managed to stay with their husbands for all these years. I have great respect for them, they've stayed with their spouses through thick and thin, the numerous deployments and the time they've spent away from home, the several moves, raising a family and loving their husbands. So many of those things were not easy but they are still there, fighting ring along side their spouses. I don't know where the military will bring me or what God has planned for me but as of right now I am glad that I'm doing it alone.

Why

2010-02-27T23:55:00.000-08:00

Where are things going? Why are things the way that they are? Why do I doubt myself? Am I in the right place? Am I looking for love in all the wrong places? Why do I feel lonely? Do others see me the way I see myself? If I feel like I want to get away will I find what I'm looking for when I get there? What am I looking for? Who am I looking for? Should I wait or should I pursue? What really matters in life? If I have a plan is it the right plan? If it is not the right plan how will I know if it doesn't work? When will it all make sense? Will it ever make sense? Are my answers to the questions the right answers? Does anyone really know me? Do I really know myself? Why isn't everything as easy as it seemed to be before? If things were easy before when did it change? If I don't have any regrets then why am I not where I thought I would be? Where did I think I would be? Where should I be? What am I doing with my life? What is life? What is right and what is wrong? Why are my answers not your answers? Do I really want an answer? What is love? What is acceptance? Is there compromise? What is compromise? What is happiness? What does it feel like? If I am successful will I consider it a success? Where will I be in a year? Where will I be in five or ten years? Will these thoughts be considered foolish? If I am doing what I enjoy why do I want more? Is there really a reason for everything? Is there something wrong? Why do I feel the way I feel? No response necessary...

Update on my life..

2010-02-23T14:01:00.000-08:00

Well, a couple of things have changed since my last blog... I am still working at the collectiong company, and I actually made my goal this month.. In other news: I've since decided not to join the Army full time, instead I decided to go back to the National Guard and serve the country part time.. What it came down to is that I did not want to leave my family. If I had joined the Army I would have most likely been stationed in a state that was a couple days driving time away from MN. I really like MN, I like being around my family and friends and I like having four seasons where it snows in the winter and gets hot in the summer..

I have been swing dancing for over a year and a half now and I have really been enjoying it. I have been meeting people and have been improving as a dancer. I don't know it I will ever have a career in dancing but at this point I'm more then happy to give people free lessons and feed back on dancing. I am by no means an expert but I enjoy learning and I enjoy dancing. I will have to go away for the summer with the National Guard as I train to be an officer but I am anxious to go, I need the money and I think I will enjoy it.

The dance group that I am in is having try outs the month of March so I'm excited about that. I almost don't want to go but life is always changing and I've learned to better cope with these constant changes..

I'm still single but I enjoy my singleness. But being single, I have far more friends who are girls then I ever have had while dating. I think it is really neat how that works.. Over the past couple years I have learned how to be a friend and I am more of the "guy next door" that I always wanted to be. But the beauty of it is that I don't think I am trying to be someone who I am not.. Some of my friends who are girls could someday be more then "just friends" but most of my friendships will only be that, friendships. But these friendships are still super rewarding.

I have plans to hopefully deploy with the National Guard as an Officer on their next deployment. I am looking forward to leading soldiers and I should get paid well. I would like to purchase a house when I get back and hopefully by that time Polaris will be hiring so I could get a job there. We will see though, maybe God has other plans..

It has been a while.

2009-09-16T20:18:00.000-07:00

Trav here,

Just sitting at my computer after a long day at work. I had Swing Cat's practice, it was good. But I don't know where my career is going or if it will work itself out. I'm in collections, I call people on the phone tell them that they need to pay their bills. Work is fun and exciting when I have money coming in but then it is difficult and tiring when I don't have any money coming in. I don't really like playing this "number's game." Some people do really well at it but I am kinda growing tired of it.. I once thought that all I wanted to do was help people and I am helping people who want to help themselves but there are so many people who think the world owes them something or they are not willing to help themselves.. There are so many people who have that sort of mentality, they think that wealth is their right, like they don't even have to work hard anymore.. I am willing to work hard and I want to work hard but I might be in the wrong field. I am doing this because I have to. Almost everyone has to work to make a living, but so many people blame their problems on the government.. Like the government is supposed to take care of them. I think the government is supposed to protect us, like keep us safe and secure, but I don't think they are supposed to do a whole lot more then that..

Lately I have been seriously considering joining the government on this one, the Army that is. I would be working for the government and the government would be paying me but that would not come without sacrifice... Being in the Army would change a lot about my life, I would lose my freedome. I would lose the freedome to go where I wanted because I would be bound by them 24/7. I would have to move away and I would not see my friends and family as often as most people are free to do.. Sure, I would make new friends and I would have my time off but it would be very different. I would have more responsbilities then most people have to deal with and many things would be controled by the rules and guidlines that are already in place. But I think I would like most of it.. The things that I know I would not be able to do are: spending time with my friends and live are free, spend weekends enjoying the Minnesota weather, and see my family whenever I feel like making the drive..

Why would I join the military? I want a career. The way the economy is right now, I am unable to find a career that I enjoy doing. I want a job where I won't be stuck in the office all the time but at the same time I don't want to be doing manual labor all of the time either.. I think the military will allow that. I want to join the military and be an officer where I will be leading soldiers. In my position I would have people looking up to me for guidence and we would all be on the same team.. There will be risks but I have to decide if the reward will be worth it. There are things that I've always wanted in life, material things, is joining the military to get those materal things really worth it? I enjoy working on cars and working with my hands, but I can't really afford either one of those things where I am working now. So much in this world revolves around money, but that's the way it really has to be... Even if you were to be a monk living in a monestary the monestary is getting money from somewhere.. And everyone needs money to live... I am a very structured person, I believe the structure of the military would work well with me. Its almost like a calling.. I feel at home in the military. I have grown used to living by their rules.. From the time I got out of the National Guard I've kept my watch set to military time almost like its alwasy supposed to be that way.

When I was in the National Guard before I didn't really feel like civilans understood things about me. Like I always wanted them to understand what I did, my job, and the stucture, but I've come to realize that no one really understand that stuff unless they were in the military. I connect well with people who were in the service because they understand where I am coming from. Anyway, I am rambling.

I would give up a lot of things if I went into the military, I would miss my friends and family the most. I would probably miss Robbie the most, I talk to him almost every day. And my friends would probably miss me. That's where the meaning of life comes into play. I was talking with J the other day about heaven and how time doesn't exhist and if it doesn't exhist outside of this world then people who have died have already gone to heaven. So how meaningful is our life here? Just think of all the things you've done in life and how the years have gone by, how you can never get any of those years back... If I joined the military and retired in 17 years, would I look back and say, "Maybe I should have stayed with that job that I didn't like, I could have gotten somewhere..." or will I look back and say, "that was a really good decision, look where God has taken me..." How will you ever know if you don't take that step? I've been praying for guidence and I keep moving forward with this decision, I guess that is a direction, right? My friends know that I've been thinking about this for a while, probably longer then any other big decision I have considered. So far it feels like this is something that I've always wanted but have found ways to put it off. Now with the way things are, me being in debt and not knowing how I'm going to be able me financially make everything work. It could be one of the best decisions of my life. I feel that God has lead me to this because I am content with so many things in my life.. I am content with being single, I am content knowing that God is with me where ever I go, and I am content knowing that my friends and family love me for the man I have become. Having their support is something that I have always wanted but have not really known was there until now. I have needed this year away from the military to find myself and my friendships have made the biggest difference, those friends are Bob, Heidi, Jaron, Leah, Ben, Rae Rae, Matt and Kristy. Each special in their own way and have helped me understand that they truely care for me no matter where life (God) takes me.

What good are Allies if they are not willing to fight??

2009-07-22T21:01:00.000-07:00

Am I doing as much as I should or can be doing? Do you ever ask yourself that? A friend of mine posted something on FB, she said that she was feeling the weight of the world on her.. I thought that was an interesting thing to post and wondered what she was going though.. I found out later that she was feeling anxiety about how our "great" country believes that it is okay to take a child's life. What is so great about that? We got into a discussion about this a work about a month ago and one of the Leads had to tell us to stop talking about it.. When is it okay to abort a baby? I once thought that it was okay to abort a baby if the woman was raped but my views have changed. I do not think a baby should ever be aborted, "bastard" children are lives too... There as so many people willing to adopt children these days (or that's what I've been told) there will always be someone to care for and love a child. Anyway, she said that she fasted and prayed about it. What else should we be doing? I do not like our president, he scares me. His policies feel too much like socialism and making everyone equal. The people on the bottom of the social structure want to be at the top and they don't want to have to work to get there... That is what we get from the immediate gratification crowd... I think is should be illegal to abort a child, period. Once you start making acceptions you start playing god.

Anyway, getting back to the discussion about abortions and parents loving their children... Another friend of mine works for a company that cares for children with handicaps, mental and physical, she was telling me about some of her kids who are having their parent's parental rights terminated.. She was talking about how the kids want more then anything to be with their parents even though they were in a really bad sitution. The kids just want to be loved by their parents but heir parents were not even caring for their simplest needs.. The feeling of abandoning my kids (I don't have any kids) absolutely tears my heart apart.. I can not even begin to imagine how parents can just take their kid for granted... Most parents care for their children more then they are for themselves, how does one lose that drive? Selfishness, that's how... I once heard about a family that had a down syndrome child, I think they were very selfish. This couple was a very affluent family and they had many nice things but everything changed when their first child came along... They had all of these dreams for this kid and they were both extremely excited about having a child and then when they realized that they would not be able to do all the things that they had dreamed about, they dropped that kid like a bad habit... They put him up for adoption and walked away.. I am sure the kid was adopted by a family who was willing to love him and accept him for the kid that God made him to be.. At least they did not abort the child but they did care for the child more then them selves..

So I ask myself, am I don't all that I can to fight for what I believe? The answer is no. I could be doing more, I could always be doing more... But my friend also said that she does not want to look back on her life and ask herself what she could have done differently. What will I tell God on judgement day? He asks me what I lived for knowing full well all of the times that I stumbled and all the times that I looked the other way when I could have stood up for what I believed... I need to pray about this. We as humands get into patterns and we tend to do what it easiest. It usually is not easy to stand up for what you believe because sometimes you turn allies into enemies... But what good are allies if they are not willing to fight??

This is something I am going to have to pray and meditate on..

357

2009-07-11T06:58:00.000-07:00

Today my land lady/house mate asked me if I talk in my sleep. I admitted that I do.. She said that a few nights ago she heard me like screaming in a soft voice... I knew exactly what she was talking about. I had a bad dream... This wasn't one of those bad colletions dreams that I've been having about work, it was far deeper then that.

Well, deeper and bizarre.. This will make no sense to anyone but it had something to do with the numbers 357 and the fact that I am going to die some day... I've had a dream similar to this before, nothing to do with the numbers but everything to do with the feeling, it was the feeling of death.

What does death feel like... I don't know but in my dream I was dealing with what happens when you die.. Its times like that, where you are faced with something that you know you cannot overcome by yourself, that you realize how out of control you are. What I mean is what little control you have over the outcome. I will die some day and every one else reading this will also die some day. Just think about that, life as we know it will no longer exhist. We are finite beings meaning that our life started and it will end. Some people do not believe in God or eternity, I do not know how they deal with nightmares of dieing or the thought of life ending. My nightmare has a happy ending... I don't know what happened in it but I found myself crying out to God. I cried out to him to save me. I cried out to him to comfort me. I need God more then anything in my life. Crying out to anything else does not comfort me... I like trucks, snowmobiles and swing dancing but crying out to snowmobiles is meaningless, they can not save me. They are not ever present. They did nothing for me.. There are times when I feel lonely but that's because I am focusing on the finite, when I focus on the eternal, I am comforted..

I've been a bad friend (to Jesus)

2009-07-09T05:05:00.000-07:00

My last blog talked about friends and meaningful friendships... I have been missing the point, or maybe more importantly, I have been being a poor friend myself. I need to be better friends with Jesus. What makes friendships work? Quality Time and Effort!! I have a friend who I never hear from, at one time I was calling him daily but that's when my job allowed it and we lived closer together. I understand that he has been very busy but when he doesn't make time for his friends or even make an effort to talk to them it makes it hard to stay close friends...

Now if I switch the tables and look at how often I've been "calling on" God or how often I've been talking to Jesus, I am just as bad or worse of a friend. And this friendship is not one of those people that I just talk to once a week, this is our Savior, the one who gave his life for me..

I feel asleep praying two nights ago and last night I feel asleep reading the word. Then this morning I read out of Matthew and Romans.. I need Jesus! Why am I always trying to find fulfillment through other avenues? (girls) Maybe because that is the flesh speaking to me, pulling me in other directions.. There is no excuse, it is just selfish thinking. Yesterday I don't think I prayed at all at work or even talked to Jesus. I need to be thinking of him all the time, please help me Jesus, be with me, lead me, sorry for being such a bad friend and not letting my light shine. I need you more then anything else and I will never be truly happy if I do not have you first in my life. Thank you for everything.

Friends vs. Meaningful Friendships

2009-07-08T04:56:00.000-07:00

I went to bed early last night, I fell asleep praying. I was basically praying for direction. I have been corresponding with a friend lately, she is basically in the same place in life as I am. We both feel like our lives are in limbo. Like day after day we are basically just living and working, living and working, living and working... Isn't that what live is all about??

I don't know if this job is going to work out. I had dreams about work again last night... When I have dreams about work I'm usually trying to collect and nothing is working.. Not very restful sleep, because when I wake up I'm already dreading going to work.. Have you ever watched Office Space? My job is not really like that but it kinda makes me laugh. One of the funny lines in that movie goes something like this, "Every day that I go to work it is worse than the last day so every day you see me is pretty much the worst day of my life..." Thankfully I am not to that level of discontentment...

I am thankful for the friends that I have because my friends make me feel loved. I'm a "words of affirmation" type guy so I feel loved when people tell me that then enjoy my company, stuff like that. Well, I have a friend who is always writing on my wall, I feel loved when that happens.. I played disc golf with a couple of my friends, I feel loved when that happens..

What is the different between a meaningful friendship and just having friends? Why do I not have many good friendships with the people that I go swing dancing with? Probably because we never have many meaningful conversations. My friends that I have that I consider good friends all have something in common, we believe in Jesus.. The people I go dancing with (most of them anyway) I have never really had a meaningful conversation with. That's what separates my real friends for my acquaintances.. I think I just feel lonely, but why? Is it because I am lacking faith? It was awesome to fall asleep praying last night!! I need to spend more time with Jesus, lost in prayer. I didn't feel lonely last night once I started focusing on God and not myself..

I need to focus on God, I need to pray continuously, I need to praise His name in all things, I cannot live my life day to day without God..

Me and you (Jesus)

2009-06-19T09:36:00.000-07:00

After my last blog I talked to a friend of mine, sometimes its nice to get someone else's opinion. We this dude told me that I should take a break from something in my life. I was like, "okay, I guess I can take a break from swing dancing..." That was not what he was talking about, he was talking about taking a break from girls.. Well, what he meant is that most of my blogs have been about girls, I don't know if that is true, maybe it is. I think they've been more about life and feeling lonely or feeling loved. Like I blogged about my relationship with my dad and I blogged about how in love my friends are with each other, and I think I've blogged a bit about swing dancing.. So there are other things that I've blogged about. Well, since my last blog I've been feeling pretty good about things. My job is going okay and I've been focusing a lot of my attention on that. I've continued to dance and that is going really well for me. And with dancing comes meeting new people. I met a girl last week swing dancing. About all I really got was her name. Then this week I talked to go while laying in bed. I told Him that I thought this girl was pretty special.. He and I kinda just chatted about her. Then I started praying to God asking that she be single and a Christian. Or Christian and single. When all is said and done it is far more important that people are Christians rather then their status.. Another friend of mine and I were chatting earlier this week, she is a Christian and that bond is far more important then the fact that she has a boy friend.. Anyway, I went to a bachelor party yesterday and then went out swing dancing hoping that I would see this special girl... Well, she was there and we were able to dance. She was doing very very well for just starting a couple weeks ago!! Anyway, I did not know how to get the answers to the questions I had and thankfully I was not nervous at all, so I just asked her if she was single and then I asked her if she was a Christian. I don't know if you could say that the answers I got were an answer to prayers but the answers she gave were what I was praying and hoping she would say.. And we found out that we have a mutual friend who I went to Crown with!! Anyway, I do not know if we will ever be anything more then friends but I do hope that we at least get to be better friends... As with everything that has ever happened in my life, it is out of my control, it is in the Lord's hands.
Well, its time for me to head North. I can't wait for this wedding, to God be the glory. I just pray that my friends wedding will be a reflection of their marrage, praising God in everything and looking to him for strength! Praise God!

At a Crossroads

2009-05-25T19:00:00.000-07:00

Do you every think what people will think about you after you are gone? Please do not think I am suicidal, I assure you I am not. I am just putting my thoughts onto paper. I do not know why I've been so drained lately. Well, there are probably a couple of reasons... But sometimes I take a step back and look at my life and wonder where it is going. I just found out that girl that I was somewhat interested in, in the last couple of months, is now engaged.. I was not close to her and our relationship did not go any further then one date (sort of) and hanging out a couple of times, but it I would consider it some type of relationship. I liked her, I still like her, she is a very nice girl, and I would still consider her a friend. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Or maybe it is that I'm not doing anything right because the best thing you can be doing is nothing. So if the best thing to do is nothing (just trusting in God), then all this trying that I'm doing is the worst thing to do..

A wise woman once said,
"A word of wisdom to those who are where I was before, longing to BE loved. NEVER SETTLE. You know when you are even if you try to convince yourself you’re not. As hard as it can be at times, LISTEN to that still small voice telling you how you are worth so much more then what could be settled for.
The only way to begin allowing yourself to BE loved and to believe that you are worth more…. BELIEVE that God truly unconditionally loves you no matter what you do or have done…. HE LOVES YOU AMAZINGLY!"

I want to be loved and I could have settled in the past, but I didn't. But I don't always hear that small voice. I need to work of believing that I am worth more. I talk like I have confidence but I have a surprisingly low level of self esteem. My low level of self esteems allows me to feel beaten down when things don't seem to go the way I want them to.. I need God, I need to give Him my problems and I need to look to Him for strength and guidance. He is the ONLY answer to all of my problems.

My God, He comforts me..

2009-05-11T07:22:00.000-07:00

This will be short because I have to leave for work really soon.. The times that I think about life the most is when I am in bed. Most of the time it all just comes to me when I'm laying there.. I first think about dying. Every day I get so focused on what I'm doing I do not even realize that everything is temporary.. But then when I am laying in bed I realize that even I am temporary... That's when I first get scared, that is the human side of me. We humans like to believe that we are in control of everything. But laying there in bed I realize that I can not control what happens once I die. The next thing that happens is I realized that I need something much more powerful then myself, I need God. I need God my creator and I need Jesus my savior and friend.. Yes I still feel loneliness and I still long for humanly companionship but when I give all glory to God and cry out to Him, he comforts me. When I give Him praise in those moments, the moments that I need Him more then anything, he puts me to sleep. It happens every time. I lay down, I realize how weak I am, I get scared, I give Him praise, I fall asleep. Well, I did that this morning too. Woke up, realized how weak I was, prayed to God and fell asleep. My God, He comforts me.

Contemplating Life

2009-05-04T21:56:00.000-07:00

I deleted my last post, a friend of mine read it and was confused.. I was confused after I read it.. A lot of time when I blog I come to conclusions but with that one I was more confused after I got done with it then I was before I sat down at the computer. Do I always have things figured out? No, I don't. But no one likes to be confused..
I was feeling lonely today... I was walking up the stairs at home thinking, "Is this worth it...? Is life worth it??" Those thoughts seem like something someone would be saying to themselves when contemplating life.. I am not suicidal but sometimes I think it is good to just think about stuff. Like ask yourself if your life is going anywhere.. Maybe most people don't really think about that. I guess if you are goal orientated you are always looking ahead and reaching for something.. But what if you don't really have anything to look forward to? I guess I have things to look forward to like spending time with my friends or going swing dancing.. But you cannot hang out with your friends all the time and you can't swing dance non stop.. I think part of my problem could be how spiritually dead I feel at times.. Like I went all weekend not really thinking about God. I did not talk to Him and I did not praise Him.. And then there are those who don't even believe God exists.. I sometimes wonder how they don't feel lonely. Maybe they just fill themselves with knowledge.. If they know all the answers then they have everything figured out. I guess that goes back to me not knowing all the answers.
This morning I was sitting in my car before going to work. I was sitting there, not really feeling sorry for myself and not really trying to motivate myself, just sitting there thinking about how I was just feeling blagh, like nothingness.. I text-ed my friends, basically just looking for words of encouragement. I have heard that in relationships just knowing that you are loved or knowing that you have the support of someone else accounts for a lot. I know that my friends and family support me but I guess I was just wanting to hear it, a sort of pick me up.. I guess that's just the way I am.. But that's me looking for words of affirmation from other people. Why didn't I pray while I was sitting there in my car? Why didn't I ask God to go with me and why didn't I ask God to show me how much he loves me?? I belive he exists, why didn't I go to him?? Probably because I'm so used to trying to do everything on my own..
I talked to my friends today, that helped. I danced with several girls tonight too, but that didn't do much for my loneliness, I was still lonely on my drive home.. I saw a pretty girl at Cub tonight, I tried not to check her out.. Guys are so visually orientated. Then I was hoping that my wife would be attractive like that. No time line as far as that is concerned. I'm tired..

I Hate Girls but I Love My Friends!!

2009-03-31T20:43:00.000-07:00

I usually don't title my blogs until I get to the end because I usually start out on one thought and then move onto something totally different. That might be the case for this blog too but this is something I've been thinking about today and I thought the title would get people interested... Well, a title like that needs some sort of explanation... I only know of a couple of people who read my blog, I don't even know how this whole things works as far as who can see what or what not.. Anyway, those of you who know me, I mean really know me, you know where I've come from and where God is taking me because we've talking about it and you know more things about me then what my blogs talk about. I probably go into more detail on some things and you've probably gotten to know me better through reading my blogs, or you at least know how I reason through things...

So, cutting to the chase, why do I hate girls but love my friends? Well, most people should be able to figure out why someone loves their friends, that's because everyone needs friends.. Just think about how lonely you would be if you did not have anyone to talk to... That's one thing I need, I need people to talk to... Like today when I got off of work I started calling everyone, starting with my closest friends and working outwards.. I called all four of them and no one was there but then I got a call back. And later at night I got another call back.. So my friends came through for me. Some of my closest friends are girls so I don't love some girls who are in my life... I can't really say which of my friends I love more, but I love them all for different reasons, but those reasons are not important. Now to explain the first part of my title. Why do I "hate girls," well let me first start by saying I don't hate anyone and saying that I hate girls in not a truthful statement. I more said it to get you this far, but don't stop reading!! What I really mean is that what I hate about girls is the type of influence they have on guys.. I'll incorporate this into my life so you can better understand where I'm coming from... Okay, flash back to a month and a half ago, I was unemployed and I did not have much going on in my life.. I had just gotten done from going on a ski trip with some of my best friends and I was basically just enjoying life. And then I met this girl that really blew me away. She seemed so friendly and out going, she was a strong Christian, she had an awesome personality, she enjoyed swing dancing and she was really cute... So what does any single guy do in that sort of situation?? Well, he starts liking her..

So you take this guy who was just minding his own business, living life and having fun, and now there's this new person in his life... Now flash forward like three weeks, this girl is not talking to him like he thought she once was and he does not know what to think. When in reality, she is not really talking to him any less, its more of his perception of the situation. Why does it have to work that way? See how this girl came in with a rush and seemed to go out with a rush just as quickly... That's the part that I "hate" about the whole situation... But I don't regret anything and the best part of this whole deal? Well, this girl is no longer in the "girl" category, she is still a friend and is moving to the other side of the "equation.." This is really the best case scenario, I have no idea what she is doing now and it really does not matter, what matters is that she is happy and that she still wants to be my friend. So, her status is very similar to that of my other true friends.. When I talk to my friends at night I am not asking them where they are, what they are doing or who they are with, it does not change their status with me, they are still my friends no matter what they are doing with their lives.. Sure, I get annoyed with them or miss them or call them when I need someone to talk to, but I am still not really concerning myself with their personal lives... And that's where the "girl's" come in...

When a girl is just a girl to me, that is when I wonder what they are doing or what they are thinking about or who they are with... But when they are just my friends then none of that matters.. So, a more truthful title to this blog would be, "I hate it when I get emotionally attached to someone I do not know very well because no matter what the relationship title is/was, it still hurts when it is over, but friendships are much more rewarding then short lived emotional attachments...

God in the driver's seat...

2009-03-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

I have to go to work soon, but I've been thinking a lot lately... I guess you can say I'm a thinker, I'm usually always thinking about something. Lately I've been thinking a lot about my future... Like where my current job would take me, but more short term, can I make it in my current job?? And then I think about where I see myself in a couple of years... But then I ask myself if I would be content if I found myself in the same position that I am in right now... Single, in a job that I don't like, hanging out with friends and swing dancing... I've met a lot of people swing dancing and a number of the guys I've met are just where I am, they seem very sociable, they are good dancers and they are very single... Its the very single part that worries me. But then I have to ask myself, why am I worrying? Does God love me? And doesn't He have a plan for me?? If I have him do I really need anything else. Well, the answer is both yes and no. I need friendships and I need Christian friends, without them I would be lonely even with God in my life.. I am learning patience. I have always thought of myself as a patient person but it is even harder to be patient when you think you know what you want and you can't get it. I don't know that I know exactly what I want, but God has been showing me that when I think I want something its not always what I need. Why can't I be content with what I have? I am content with my friends, I am content with my living arrangements, I love my family, and I really enjoy living in MN... I don't know where this is going... I don't know where my life is going... I am still learning who I am... And who I am going to be... Or what I am going to be... I guess I just need to sit back and enjoy the ride, with God in the drivers seat...

What do you dream about??

2009-03-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

My dreams have been kinda weird lately. Thankfully they haven't all been about collecting money, my current job, but they've been about off the wall things. Believe it or not I have a lot of military related dreams.. Go figure, but lately my ex girl friends have been visiting me in my dreams. And then when I wake up I lay in bed and pray and talk to God.. Now wouldn't it be awesome if I dreamt about God or if Jesus visited me in my dreams?? Oh, I have to go to work, I was thinking I started at ten but I actually start at 9:30... and its 9 right now.. But yeah, I want to dream about God, I need Him in my life.. Just imagine what it would be like to dream about God all the time instead of collections, or the military or even girls... Gotta Go,
Bye

To God be the Glory.

2009-03-20T06:16:00.000-07:00

God is so good, God is so good, God is so good he is good to me.. I do not give him enough credit, he deserves it all because without Him my life would be so depressing. When I need comfort I pray to Him and he comforts me, when I lay awake and night scared, I pray to him and He relaxes me - the next thing I know it is morning and I slept fine. When I don't know where my life is going I lay it all down to Him and He tells me that my life is right on track.. I try so hard at the things that I do but I think that's more of the man He made me to be then me trying to do things my own way. I will always try hard because that's what I do but where God comes in is giving me contentment in the outcome. I may try extremely hard at something and then fail but I can be okay with the failure because I know that what ever the trial was, God allowed it to happen to me to draw me closer to Him. When things are going well I am thankful, I thank God for what he has given me and go on with my life, but I don't cling to Him like I do when I'm going through a painful situation. God understands me when other don't. My closest friends don't understand me... I think SS understands me pretty well but we don't talk about it much. I was talking to my sis a while back and I was joking about how people don't "get" me and she said that that probably wasn't a very good thing. I have to agree with her, it isn't a good thing because when people don't understand you you tend to get lonely. Well, maybe not lonely, I don't know what word would describe the feeling maybe lost or alone, they are all similar feelings but different in their own ways... Princess is pretty good at reading my emotions. Well, it could be intuition or she just gets lucky. For some reason she knows just when to ask how I'm doing and I usually tell her I'm doing okay but sometimes I go into detail. But when she asks she is actively listening and when she asks she's not just talking about how I am doing emotionally but also "what God is doing in my life.." Or maybe she is the only person who asks how I am doing and really means it. Coming to that realization just made me cry.. Yeah, thanks dude, you mean so much to me. To my other friends defense, they ask me how I'm doing but it usually comes across in more of a casual "guy" sort of way, like "What's up, how you doin'?" So it is probably very genuine but doesn't come across like that. I think the timing has something to do with it, Princess asks at the right time when no one else is around or when its just the three of us. But on the same note, I don't ask my friends how they are doing, not like Princess does... Or maybe I already kinda know what is going on in their lives so instead of asking how they are doing I instead ask probing questions to see if they will expound.. I don't know, I'll have to ask how they are doing more and what God is doing in their lives. That is where fellowship and soal bonding seems to really make a difference. Well this is much longer then I planned on it being..

Nice Guys Finish Last

2009-03-19T05:47:00.001-07:00

I went for a run this morning.. I like running it helps me focus on things that are unrelated to my every day life. Well, that's not true, I helps me focus on running and only running, that way I'm not thinking about work, friends, girls, girlfriends, money, cars, snowmobiles.. What I missing? I don't think about God enough.. On Tuesday night I asked my friends to try to remember to pray for me while I was at work and yesterday was an okay day. I am getting better at my job, it just takes so much out of me. I'm actually too nice on the phone, I'm in collections... No one is going to pay anything if their debtors agree that they don't have any money and that there is no way to pay back the money that they spent when it wasn't theirs in the first place.. Did I mention I think about girls and friendships a bit? Well, I've noticed a common denominator in both work and friendships, its a well known fact that nice guys finish last.. You know what? In friendships I'm fine with finishing last, because its not about me, it about my friends and their happiness. In the military that's called selfless service, putting others before yourself. Well, I will willingly do that, I'll put my friends and their happiness before my own. But the best part of my true friends is that they are willing to do the same for me.. There are other things that come up, hard situations and stuff like that that they have to go through but in the end we are there for each other. So in my friendships I am there for them, not to make myself happy. Work is another thing.
If I always finish last in work I will never be successful (in the business world) but if I got into some type of service industry I may excel. God has not opened those doors yet, though. I was paging through my Bible and I came to James. This doesn't really apply to what I have been bloging about but chapter 4 talks about submitting yourself to God. When we try to make plans and do things we are a "mist that appears for a short while." I do not know what will happen tomorrow and I don't know if I even have plans for the weekend. But this passage is not saying to not live with excitement or to not look forward to things but rather to live say, "if the Lord wills it I will do this or that." If the Lord wills it that I find a girl who will love me as much as I will love her, it will happen. If the Lord wills it I will become successful at my job and enjoy it. If the Lord wills it I will be able to make ends meet and be finacially stable.. If the Lord wills it I will help bring the lost back to him.. But if the Lord does not will any of those things, the things that I think that I want.. Then I need to focus on Him, love Him, and grow closer to Him.. If the Lord wills it, it will come to pass.

Why do I do what I do not want to do??

2009-03-15T12:36:00.000-07:00

I played soccer for Crown College in the fall of 2007, I really enjoyed having the opportunity to play, but I was not in very good shape so I spent most of that year sitting on the bench.. Well there was this kid who played the same position as I did and we would switch off during the game. Well, in the beginning of the year he started a fast, I think we was fasting for four days or something like that. Well, I supported him and his fast but I was curious of why he chose to do it during the soccer season. I asked him why he was fasting and he said that he was fasting because he was sinning, but I misunderstood him thinking that he was fasting because he was sitting... I was like, "well, maybe coach wants to give someone else a shot at playing..." Wow, how clueless I was.. But it was funny. I don't know how God led this guy or if he was able to give him more direction in his life but I think we all wonder what we fall into sin so easily..

Paul was going through the same debate with himself and God in Romans chapter 7. In Romans 7:14-20 Paul wrote, "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do no do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." I believe Paul came to the same conclusion my team mate probably did. Its our sinful desire that leads us to sin, its all our humanly body has ever know.

I don't want to be so sinful, but I always fall back into sin. Catholic priests probably thought that they would be fine once they became Bishops or some higher position but we all know that even priests are bound by sin. Paul talked a lot about grace and praise God for being a gracious God, I feel bad everything I fall back into sin but I know that He accepts me for all my short comings.. However, I still try to do things by myself, I find myself not even willing to look to Him for my strength, I end up thinking to myself that if only I try harder I will be successful. Or if I try harder these people will like me. Or if I have this possession in my life I will feel more successful. Well, when all my trying gets me no where and I'm out there wearing myself out, the only time I will find peace or comfort is when I turn all my troubles over to him. Only then will I feel complete or completely loved!! I just started thinking about these things when I read a friend's status, way to go G.

Travis, you are "trying" to hard again...

2009-03-12T05:25:00.000-07:00

Just read a friends post, she is such a great woman of God and I am honored for her to call me her friend! I was talking with a female friend last week about this other gal, (I see a reoccurring theme of all these girls in my life) she had made the comment that I should not "try" so hard to be someone's friend. I think her comment was just that, a comment. But I am pretty sure there was some kind of truth to it..
Looking back on my life the only thing that I've been naturally good at was trying. The only way that I have ever been good at anything was to try really hard. When I work I try to take what I learn in training and apply it, and try (work) real hard. In basketball I was tall but very uncoordinated so I had to try really hard to do anything. In soccer I had to work really hard, I was not skilled and I could not kick the ball very far but I made up for it in hustle.. In school the only way I got good grades was to study really hard, I wasn't one of those kids who could learn really fast and not study, things went in one ear and out the other, I had to try really hard...
About eight or nine months ago Heidi told me to stop trying so hard to pursue girls or be their friends.. She said that if I was myself and didn't try to go after girls then pretty soon they would be calling me to do stuff with them. I thought that she was just saying that to annoy me, but as I trusted more and more in God and was willing to be on his time line, I was trying less and less to pursue girls and was just being myself. Granted, I drove my car a lot to get to places where these "friends" were but I enjoyed helping them and their friends and family.. And now D&D are like a second family to me, or something like that..
Are girls calling me to hang out? Actually they kinda are. But I'm falling back into my old patterns. I'm starting to "try" too hard again. Even making myself available can come across as trying too hard.. If there were to be a girl I was interested in, I would want to not "try" to hang out with her too much, because if something ever came up that she couldn't do it I would have been "expecting" to hang out with her. "Travis, Travis, you are trying too hard again. And in doing that you are pushing them away..." I can just see Heidi telling me. Anyway, I was reading in Philippians 4 yesterday, Paul was talking about some things and he said, "...I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation...I can do everything through him who gives me strength.." One of my problems as a human is to try to do things on my own. When I am so totally focused on Him, I 'm on the straight and narrow.. But then I'm like, "Thanks God for getting me through that really sucky part of my life, now I'm G2G!" And then I try to do it by myself. I try to meet people and chill with them and I don't even include God in it. But he is there, watching and waiting..
But these past couple weeks have been good, I've re focused my priorities and realized the things the I really need in life. I need God and I need food, or something like that.. But without the bread of life my life is dead and lonely.. But when I have him I can be content with what I have. Its the content part that can be somewhat challenging because if I lose focus on God then I start "trying" to do it myself... Pray for me.

If you really knew me,

2009-03-07T06:27:00.000-08:00

Do you know me? Who really knows me? I would have to say that my sister really knows me and so does my brother in law. My sister knows more things about me then I want her to know. She knows my bad habits and she knows what my mannerisms are. My brother-in-law knows what makes me tick but we don't talk about it. H (sister), can really be in my face about things. She can be like, Trav, why are you doing that. Or Trav, you need to do this. But the most annoying thing that she does is ask me questions that she knows the answer to. But she usually doesn't do that very often, she knows that I would rather talk about it then have someone ask me questions about a subject that isn't be talked about. Confusing, I know... But I love her. My best freind, Grover, says that he knows me, but does he really know me or understand me? I think he understands me because he understands what I like and don't like but to really know a person takes active listening, it takes time and effort, its different. Princess doesn't even know me?? What? Well, I figured it out, its because of that time and effort involved... Those of you close to the "inner circle" would understand.. But its cool, its something we can talk about now... I'm hearing things now that I never knew but are making everything make sense now.. Good times.
When I say, do you really know me I think of what Jesus said to his followers. If you really knew me you'd know my Father as well. If we are Christians can people see Jesus in us? I think sometimes we lose focus and become like our non-Chrstian friends. What I mean by that is someone who doesn't know us won't be able to tell us apart from non-Christians. Should they really be able to tell a difference though? Should we do things different from other people? We are already saved... People who are very legalistic place restrictions on themselves that distinguish them from non-Christians. I call it legalistic but maybe it would have been more accurate to call them "religious." I don't necessarily have religion but I do have God and I do have a relationship with Jesus. Knowing someone comes down to what type of relationship you have with them. I am best friends with Grover and Princess but our relationships are very different. I tell Grover everything that goes on in my life, who I like, who I don't like, what I want to do for the next six months, what I did today, if he wants to hang out, ect, ect... I basically just call him to chat as good friends do. My relationship with Princess if much different. We rarely talk on the phone just to talk and if we do its me calling her. She called to wish me a happy birthday and I was like, "So what's up?" thinking that she had something important to tell me, it wasn't like her to just call me.. So I think knowing someone comes down to what kind of relationship you have with that person and how much time you put into it. The people who know me best are the people I talk to most, my family, Grover and SP, I talk to those guys every day.. Princess and SS can't even touch that type of relationship. Relationships basically just happen. If they don't happen its probably because they are not meant to happen. If you are putting in a ton of time to try to make a relationship happen or work out, then one of the people probably really doesn't want it to work out and you will just end up being hurt in the end... I feel I'm an open book, I say what is on my mind and if you want to know what I'm thinking just ask me...

Anti Acquatiences First

2009-02-13T22:08:00.001-08:00

I sit here at my computer wanting to write about something but I don't really know what to say. I guess I can write about my friends and just be thankful for what the Lord has blessed me with. I am so thankful for the friends that I have. I know I've said that before but I just can't get over how meaningful they are to me. I want to be there for them and I know that I am. I just enjoy doing that for them. You have to show that to each person in their own way. For one person if maybe be talking to them to make sure that they get home, while for another person it may be making sure that they are getting enough sleep, you know who you are.. But that's what I'm here for. Some of it consists of self sacrifice while on the other hand its just taking the time to caring for them. I find it easier to care for my guy friends, they have nothing to hide and they seem to appreciate the time you put into it. Every relationship takes time. With girls it is a little different, they seem to have rules or hidden expectations. Girls will tell you that there are not "rules" but there are, there always are rules. The thing is, guys are usually dumb, like we don't always read what is going on. It goes both ways though.

A girl told me that I didn't greet her like I did another girl. There's a rule, greet every girl the same, no matter if you know the girl or not. But then it depends on the girl and her own rules..

Every person is different so you have to do what they call in sales, "mirror matching," give the person what you know they want.. But then if you give the person (girl) what you think she wants you end up leading that person on.. I've done that in the past, I thought that I was giving the girl the type of effection that she wanted but I wasn't willing to go the whole way (because she liked me). I liked her too but not the way that she liked me.. That's where honesty comes in. I used to have two rules to dating, number one: Honesty is the best policy, and number two: communication is the key. That's back when I believed in dating. I am no longer a believer in that sense. If you don't know the girl very well then you probably don't know her well enough to "date" her.

Definitions: What is the definition of dating? Well, according to Merriam-Webster, a date is, "a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character." Romance... That's a different topic of discussion but it still relates. I am all for social engagements, that's basically what has given me something to look forward to. I am a human male, so I've always looked forward to social engagements where females would be present, is that such a bad thing? Well, its not a bad thing but one should focus on the building of relationships, not the building of romance. Romance comes with time but when that is the whole reason of your engagement things can become empty very quickly.

I am not anti-dating, I'm anti-dating soley for romantic purposes. Does that makes sense? I once confessed my feelings for a girl and she told me that things would never work out, not exactly what a guy wants to hear... It was at that point that I realized that I had jumped past the whole relationship part and went right for the romance. That's where you have to back up a bit and re-evaluate your reasons for pursing someone. Are you pursing them for romantic reasons or are you pursing them because you care about them and want what is best for them. If you want what is best for them then you should not even include yourself in the picture. That's when they have the choice to include you in the picture.

I used to have this saying, "friends first" when I was dating someone. But that doesn't really work, if you aren't even friends before you start dating then you've skipped right into the romance part of it. So my saying of "friends first" was more like saying "acquatiences first" because that's all you really are after the dating part doesn't work.. I have a bunch of ex girlfriends that are basically just acquatiences. I am not a part of their lifes now because I wasn't really a part of their life before we started our "relationship."

So that brings up an important question, what is a friend? How can you really classify someone as a friend? I have over six hundred "friends" on facebook but how many of them are truely friends?? I can think of a couple of the people that I would consider true friends that I don't talk to anymore, but most of them are just acquatiences. To be a true friend you have to spend time building that friendship. Time, it all seems to come back to time..

I have found that it is best to not expect things of my friends. I do not expect them to call me, they will call me when they want to talk or need something. If all I did was wait for my friends to call I would be waiting for a long time.. Longer for some then for others.. But when I don't expect them to call me, then I have a chance to be excited when that happens! That is one of the things I get the most joy out of, getting a phone call. I remember a time, long before cell phones when I would be at home and the phone would ring, then mom or dad would say, "Travis, its for you." What a job to receive a phone call!! I still get that same type of joy every time my phone rings and I think, "Oh, its for me!!"

Anyway, what have I put into words?

All relationships take time.
Don't "date" unless you really know the person.
If you really know the person then you must be true friends.
Don't expect anything from your friends, just care for them.
I like it when my friends call me.

I guess that's what was on my mind, Happy Valentines Day!!

Earthly Father vs. Heavenly Father

2009-02-09T10:09:00.000-08:00

I know I just posted a blog last night but I wanted to talk about something I've talked to my friends about, its my relationship with my dad and how it relates to my relationship to the God the Father. Last week I spent some time at my parents house up in Roseau, it was what I guess I really needed to reassure myself.

What I mean by that is I'm a "words or affirmation" sort of guy so if I am not hearing words of encouragement from people that I hold so dear then my mind begins to question how people really feel. I know that I've talked about my relationship with my dad before and how he told me that he loved me and how that meant so much to me, well it was nice spending time with him for a couple of days. I talk to my dad a couple of times a week and or family is very open but sometimes it seems like we don't talk about anything beyond the day to day things. But spending time with my dad showed me that we could talk about anything, its just that I have to bring it up first.

So when I'm with my dad we are just doing things together and we are just being and doing, we aren't exactly talking about things or sharing our emotions. Well, my relationship with my earthly father is similar to the relationship I share with my Heavenly Father, I'll explain. Like when I'm with my dad we can talk about anything I just have to bring it up, my dad isn't a mind reader, and then when I'm with my Heavenly Father, we can talk about anything, I just have to bring it up. So that is exactly the same there. Also, my dad loves me and he shows me that love by the things that he does. My dad is a "quality time" sort of guy, he is so busy doing everything but he makes time to do things with the people that he really cares about.

Knowing that, I need to be able to accept the way that he shows me love, not the way that I feel I should be loved. I have to understand that when dad takes time out of his busy life to do something with me, that is how he is showing me his love. God, on the other hand, is there waiting for me. He is omnipresent, he has all the time in the world for me, I just have to be able to accept that. If I can learn to feel loved through spending quality time, then I will be able to understand that God truely loves me and is willing to spend eternity with me!!

Who is she?

2009-02-08T22:48:00.000-08:00

I just got back from an awesome ski trip that I went on with some of my closest friends. I had an awesome time!! I told one of my friends that I have no idea where I would be without such good friends. I am so thankful for everything that I've been blessed with.

I am truely on God's time because I see things that other people have and am anxious for the time to come that I will have those things. I am not talking about wealth and the things of this world that so many people hold so closely, I am talking about the things that really matter. Sure, I will be thankful when God provides me with a job that I enjoy working, a job that I can give all the glory to Him but still feel fulfilled at the end of the day but that isn't really important in the grand scheme of things. The things that I feel are truely important are my family and the friendships that I share with other people.

The friendship that I am anxious to share is the one that I don't know has started yet. I see my friends, a newly engauged couple, and I am honored to share in their friendship together, but I am also anxious to have that type of frienship myself. In the past I have been in several relationships with girls where I thought that I was in it for the right reasons but now I have seen my friends and I see that they have something together that I have never had. They accept each other. I have thought of myself as an accepting person but now I see it on a whole different level. They are in love. My relationships never got far enough to be considered truely in love.

The friendships that I have shared with people over the past year have shown me what it really is to love someone. It starts by accepting them for who they are. Accepting them for what they have to offer and not longing for them to be someone or something that they are not. Who is that girl? The one who I will accept for who she is? Do I already know her? Whoever she is, I am anxious for the time when we will connect. When we will look into each others eyes and accept each other. But it will be so much more then that (I hope). I see my friends, I see how they are over joyed by the other persons company. They hold each other's heart in their hands but they care for each other more then they care for themselves. That's what the Bible says we ought to do for our mate, but to see it acted out helps make everything seem so much more believable.

I am glad that my past relationships ended as they did. There was one relationship where I could have married the girl but it would have been for all the wrong reasons. I want to marry for all the right reasons. God has shown me so much in the past year, I feel that I understand so much more about him and about myself, then I did before. I praise Him for showing me these things. And I praise Him for bringing me this far. I believe the reason I haven't had this type of relationship with anyone is because I have not been ready. I am still a work in progress.

I get attached to people too easily. My sister tells me that I try too hard. I need to just sit back a watch things as they unfold. Does that mean that I can't talk to people? I don't know what it means? If I'm sitting back and watching things as the unfold then why do I still get so lonley? Is that the devil talking when I start feeling sorry for myself? I guess that's another thing that God is showing me, why do I feel lonley if I still have Jesus? All relationships here on earth are temporary, the only relationship that I have that will never pass away is my relationship with God, he will never leave me and he accepts me for who I am!

Acceptance!! That is another thing that I have begun to come to grasps with!! God accepts me as a sinner and there is nothing I can do to "win" his favor back, I already have it!! I don't need anything in this life more then I need Him!! He is my friend and he is the one I can connect with on a level like no one else. He looks into my eyes and accepts me. He loves me and he has always been there waiting for me to accept Him back! He is the one that I've been waiting for my whole life. He thinks I'm funny and he appreciates my company! His relationship with me can be just like what I am seeing in my friends. I don't have to worry about what I look like when I see Him, he's just happy to see me or listen to me or spend time with me. He is my friend and it has taken me this long to understand that! Thank you God for being the one for me!!

Where do I go now??

2009-01-30T21:39:00.000-08:00

God is so good! I quit my first job today. Sure, I've quit working at jobs before only to move on to the next one but today I walked away from one. I was selling products in a 100% commission job and I wasn't selling products, so I wasn't making any money. It was difficult for me to stop working. I thought that I was doing everything right and I was, for the most part.. But I didn't close any deals this week. So I guess you could say that I've been unemployed all week but I've been working for free... But it was a good job, I learned a lot. The things I learned about myself and selling in general with this job are:

I don't like to sell people things that they don't really need.

I have the ability to walk into any store and introduce myself.

Most people you run into are very friendly and easy to talk to. The people who aren't friendly or easy to talk to want to be friendly or easy to talk to but they don't know how to do it.

People take you for granted in you are too friendly.

I look good in a suit.

If I eliminate doubt words like, "Well, Um, Oooh, and Ahh," then people are more apt to listen to what I am actually saying.

Some people just don't have "all the right ingredents to make a pie.

God loves me and all I have to do it focus on him!!

Like I said, I have learned a lot working there! Now I'm off to bigger and better things!! I don't know what I am going to do but I'm in good hands!!

Direction

2009-01-24T21:36:00.000-08:00

I am an open book. I cannot hide my emotions. I guess I don't really try to hide my emotions unless I'm crying in a movie.. If the movie is good then I cry almost every time. My eyes tear up every time I watch my favorite "chick flick," a walk to remember.. I don't like it when people notice, especially girls. I feel vulnerable when someone notices and then I feel embarassed when they say something.

Not only do my emotions show through, I usually speak what is on my mind. I guess that's both good and bad, but that's why I guess I tell people that I appreciate them, stuff like that. But its good because then there usually isn't much confusion about what I am thinking or what I'm going through.

Right now I'm "going through" my options with my job. I mislead a potential customer on friday and it has really shaken me up. I hate misleading someone, I break their trust for me and that is the worst think I could do.. I feel so bad, I think I am going to apologize to her, it just isn't right, I gave into pressures. It is really effecting my motivation about this job and it has even given me nightmares...

Like I said, I'm an open book, but it is interesting when people notice that I'm not who I usually am. I was tired and sort of out of it the other night and one of my friends noticed. Actually a couple of my friends noticed. I need to think of code names for my friends (to protect their true identities yet still keep it interesting). Well, my friend Grover came over, he told me that he noticed that I wasn't the same. I guess I kinda just took it in stride saying, "yeah, I talked to a lady the other day and it bothered me, plus I haven't been making much money." He seemed to understand. But when I guy tells another guy something like that I guess you don't really talk about it too much.. I guess it kinda surprised me that he noticed. Anyway, we hung out, talk about guy stuff like girls, faith, religion, friends, and life. After we were done worknig on my car Grover and I went snowmobiling, we had a really good time.

I talked to another one of my friends this afternoon and she also commented that it seemed like something wasn't quite right. We'll call her Princess. Well, she also noticed that I didn't seem myself. Its kinda wierd when people say that but at the same time you don't really realize that people pick up on things like that. Well, we talked about it and the only advice that either one of us could really come to was asking God for comfort and direction. Our God is an awesome God! I guess I'm really just considering if this is where God wants me to be...

I have a couple of other friends, I'll think of their code names, some peole coud probably guess who each one is and if that is a problem just let me kow and from here on out I can just go back to calling them "he" and "she." Well, so far I have Grover, SP and Princess but I don't know about the last one... Well, we'll call her SS for Super Supportive. SS is one of the coolest girls I know. This got me into swing dancing and there have been many a Thursdays where all I wanted to do was dance with her because I knew that she would enjoy it. Not only would she enjoy it but she would be super encouraging and supportive!

I love my friends so much, when I get lonley I call them and they cheer me up. When I have a problem I talk to them and I am set at ease. When God is teaching me something I tell them and they encourage me. When I hang out with them I have a really good time!! I thank God all the time for the friends that he has blessed me with!

Attitude Ajustment...

2009-01-22T22:51:00.000-08:00

I went out with a different trainer for work today, it was a good experience.. The girl I went out with was very driven and was very sure of herself, she helped me see that I had to be both of those things. I need to be more confident. I talked to a friend of mine tonight and he agreed that my attitude was not very good. It came as a shock to me and as an eye opener because I usually thought that I had an optimistic outlook on life but that wasn't the case. I made a comment, "we'll see how long we last in here..." That is the attitude of someone who has already failed because he has basically already given up. I'll admit, I haven't always had the best self confidence but that too has to change if I expect/am ever to succeed at this job. I need to succeed for a number of reasons:

1. I need to move out of my sister's house while I am still on good terms.
2. I really enjoy this job eventhough it has challenged me more then anything else in my life.
3. I want to be finically secure enough to do things that I enjoy doing.
4. I do not want to quit or be fired from this job.
5. I am running out of money (that actually happened a while ago..)
6. I believe that God gave me this job and I want to suceed.

I have to walk into every business knowing that I am helping them run more efficently and by doing that they will be benifiting from the services that I am providing them. I will still consult them on the best decisions that they could be making. And I need to understand that I can't help everyone, I can only help those who are wiling to help themselves.

I went swing dancing tonight, I could tell that it had been a long time because I ran out of moves.. But the girls I danced with seemed to enjoy dancing with me. I want to believe that they liked dancing with me because they like me, not just because I was wearing a nice suit and tie! I am going to spend some time with God as I am preparing to go to bed.

I felt like crying.

2009-01-22T03:21:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was not my best day. I had some things lined up from Tuesday and I was planning to close a couple of deals.. Well, they all fell through. One man decided that it wouldn't work out to spend a little more money and increase his efficiency by five times. Five times more for only three dollars, plus he would be getting a discount that would off set the three dollars more.. Another company basically just hung up the phone. I know me writing this is boring to you readers but setting these things up takes at least an hour and having them thrown out the window really stinks. I was encouraged to talk to a couple business owners who were very friendly but in the end of the day I was feeling sorry for myself. I actually felt like crying. I started asking myself why it isn't working. Why am I not closing deals? Am I being too friendly? The people at work tell me that I'm not assuming the sale. I don't want to be pushy, I could have had two sales yesterday but if I was pushy I am pretty sure that both customers would have said "no" and told me to leave and never come back..

On my drive home I called a close friend, he helped me feel better. Is really wasn't anything he said, just talking to him helped me feel better. I told him flat out that I needed some encouragement. I little encouragement goes a long ways with me.. We talked about him and a job that he applied for, stuff like that. Not talking about me and my problems was a good thing..

I was talking with Jesus this morning. I had to apoligize to him, when I was in my darkest hour yeterday I didn't even tell him about it. If I had only prayed for strength, I know I would have gotten it. If only I had told him that I needed encouragement, I know he would have given it to me on the spot. I really need to work our friendship/relationship. Jesus is there, just waiting for me to call on him. Why am I so focused on the here and now when I'm at work and then I think about Jesus when I go home and lay in my bed. I find that when I am dwelling on Him I am not as tired or broken. I guess it is good to at least understand this part of our relationship, that way I know what I can work on. Why does living by faith seem so different? I need to be living by faith every day. I'll be honest and say that I don't always think about God, but when I make changes and am always dwelling on Him, what an awesome life I will have! I'm sure that I'll still have those days were I will feel like crying out of joy or out of sorrow, but I will be with Him and that is exactly where I want/have to be.

One day at a time, one sale at a time...

2009-01-19T20:06:00.000-08:00

Well, I landed another sale today. I'm not rolling in money or anything, actually I haven't been paid yet... Anyway, I try not to think about it. This kinda reminds me of how my parents were living for a long time, my dad's company wasn't making any money so my parents were basically living on faith and going into debt.. But through it all their faith was seriously strengthened.. Who's to say that you're making poor decisions if you truely believe that you are where you believe God wants you? I do not really know if I am were God wants me to be in life but I believe that he is in control.

I guess you could say that lately I've been living on faith and credit. Faith on the spiritual side of things and credit on the "worldly" side of things. Where else would you rather be? I want to follow God and I want to be where God wants me to be... Does that make sense? Well, I guess I will go where ever God is leading me. I don't know why I took this job, but everything seemed to fall into place. I am not a quitter and I am thankful that God has allowed me to learn and succeed. Well, I've been succeeding a little bit at a time. I also praise God for the good attitude that He has given me. Sometimes I have a low self esteem but I think almost everyone has bouts with those types of feelings.. I guess being optimistic helps somewhat too..

Oh, something that I was really thankful for today and praised God in. Well, there was that plane that crash landed in the Hudson River in New York, well that pilot was probably the best person in the world to be flying that plane! Okay, I don't know if he was the best but I believe God put him there for a reason and God deserves credit for that. Praise God for the little things and the things that other people call coincidence..

I've been reading a book lately that has been talking about the intimate relationship that God wants to have with us. I've had difficulties understanding what that relationship looks like or feels like. I want that close relationship and I know that books written by authors don't compare to the Word of God but sometimes they explain things better. I am anxious to see where my relationship goes with God, its not something that always happens over night but I want him to be real to me, not a distant or passing thought. That's just where I am right now, "Learing to Live."

Broomball was Awesome!!

2009-01-18T20:18:00.000-08:00

My landlords had a broomball party on Saturday, it was a ton of fun!! Now I am recovering but it was all worth it. It was actually more fun then I thought it would be because some of my closest friends had other things going on. Most of them were out of state though so I can't expect them to make the drive just for a game.. We played for close to three hours, what a workout!!

I chatted with a close friend tonight, we talked for over an hour. He's awesome, its good to be able to confide in someone and be able to trust them. I give trust willingly, maybe that's part of the reason I'm so gullable. I want to believe people when they tell me something, but people are usually pulling my leg. I guess that's a personality flaw of mine, I joke around with people a bunch but then I don't know when they are serious or just kidding around.. Whatever though, I don't really care. Anyway, it is such a blessing to have friends who want to talk. Do I blogg about my friends too much? I hope not. I guess I talk about what is important to me..

I went ice fishing today with some other friends, guy time is nice, you can be yourself and do guy stuff. I'm myself with my other friends, I think I blogged about that, what does it mean to be yourself if you don't really know who you really are? I can be many types of people. Okay, maybe I'm just being dumb... I need to get to bed, enough thinking for tonight.. Praise God for giving us the ability to think and reason!

2009-01-16T22:24:00.000-08:00

I made a sale today. I was really proud of myself. My eyes were watering a bit, I wasn't crying, I was just happy and struck with a bit of disbelief. I prayed this morning, not that God would grant me a sale, I simply prayed that God would be with me. What a funny prayer, God is always with us, but I prayed for strength. I am a "people please-er," I try to make everyone e happy but that is not always possible in the sales industry. If you could make everyone you talked to happy then you should probably consider going into politics.. I am not a politician though.. I am learning how to communicate with people, I guess that's what it comes down to. I am anxious to see where this job takes me and see if I really have what it takes.

I hung out with some friends tonight, I had a good time. It is so nice to be able to talk freely about things that you are thinking about, especially when you know that everyone cares about each other. We all have our own struggles and doubts but it is encouraging to know that someone cares about you.

I am looking forward to the weekend, having free time and hanging out with friends.

No one every said that it would be easy.

2009-01-15T21:09:00.000-08:00

Hey,
I went to work agian today, determined to talk to people and help them out with their needs. I talked to a lot of people and let them know what their options were but I still walked away empty handed. I need to "assume the sale" and I need to be persistent. I was told today that one of the sales guys went three weeks before he landed a deal or became consistent... Knowing that helps me come to grasps with working my area for three days and not making any money. I know that I can do this, I want to do this..

I went to a friend's house tonight, it was cool, probably the best use of my time. I am so fortunate to have friends who care about me. About a year ago I was not in the same situation that I am in now. I was actually really lonely. We are all lonely at one time or another, it happens to the best of us. God has helped me because he is always there, but sometimes you just need someone to talk to or hang out with. If anyone is every lonely I want to know about it. Lonely people need encouragment and quality time with other people, I guess that's where friends come in.. Thanks friends.

One of those days.

2009-01-14T17:43:00.000-08:00

Trav, here. I had one of those days that I guess you would put in the "Learning" column.. I'm in sales and in sales of any type, time management has a lot to do with what you get done. There are things that are uncontrollable, called "Uncontrollables," you can't allow yourself to get upset over them. Well, there are times when I am kinda a perfectionist because I want to be the best at whatever I'm doing and I am very critical with myself as far as how I'm performing or what I'm doing with my time. I am starting out at the bottom of the ladder with this job so I can't set my goals too high and get upset with having a bad day. I'm usually pretty optimistic too, so I think its a good mix of both traits. I hope to be successful eventually, but that is hard to do when you dig yourself a hole like I did today. What happened today is I spent over three hours with a customer and walked away empty handed. Like I said, I'm going to chalk this one up as a learning experience.

The rest of my time management was fine though besides that three hour block of time, I ate lunch in the car and when I had to go to the bathroom really really bad I just found a parking lot next to a city park where no one was around and took care of business. What would you think if you saw a dude all dressed up in a nice suit and tie, taking care of business in a vacant parking lot? I'd think, "Wow, that guy is dedicated to his job!" I want to save face with my boss too. He was ready to give me a new T (territory) yesterday but I'm not one to give up, I want to put forth a good effort before I start complaining about things not going my way. Actually, I don't want to complain about anything. If I have a problem then I need to fix it rather then waiting around for someone else to come in and do all the work for me. I was on my own today in my T, when you're on your own you understand that its "showtime," and that's where the "rubber meets the road!" Well, I'm going to "put the pedal to the metal," and "get the heck out of dodge." Okay, that's enough sayings for now.. But yeah, "Attitude is everything." Okay, not everything but if I wanted to feel sorry for myself for only going to 8 businesses when the goal is 50, then I wouldn't be helping anyone!

I just heard from my friends who are vacationing out West, I wish I was there! I need to start up the wheeler and plow the broomball rink tonight, right now its only tweleve below so I should be okay..

Oh, one more thing about today. I prayed to God today, to give me patience (when I was on hold for a long time after getting disconnect three times...) he gave me patience! I used to lay away at night thinking about life, coming to grasps with how short life really is, and what it means to die. I'll admit that sometimes I would get scared, and that's when I would call out to God. I would seriously call out to God in an audiable voice, not just in my head, and you know what would happen? I would fall asleep almost immeadiately. I believe that is God answering my calls because he would comfort me. He would relax me so much that I would just drift off to sleep... God is so good, I can't imagine what my life would be like or what I would be living for without Him.

In the past couple of months I've read a couple of book that have helped me better understand the personality of God. Not just his personality but how personable he is. He is so personable that he yearns to have a relationship with us. Not just the you are God and I am a meaningless no body, He wants for me to know him, personally. Jesus is like my best friend who I can't see. My friends called me today! They called me!! I was so happy because they called me! I'm usually the one who calls so to get a call from them meant a lot more then they will ever know! I feel so loved right now. Now, to relate that go Jesus. He died for me. Are they at all similar? They are similar but what Jesus did is so much more. When I was younger I considered what it would take to give my life for someone I loved. I know we all have self preservation but I think I could do it, especially for someone I loved.. But Jesus did it for me. And now he is still there to be my friend. This is just the way I see it and the way I can best explain it. My relationship so growing with God. I hope it always grows.

In Bible study someone commented that we always talk about the relationship that we will have with God when we go to heaven but there is nothing that says that we can't have that here and now, is there? Well, that concept totally blew me away, like my entire ship left the water! I want that! I want that relationship! I want that sincerity! I want to know Jesus like that! That is difficult to do when just about everything we hear totally contradicts that. But we are not of the world, the world is foreign to us. I am dwelling on Christ, not the world. But even sales is of this world... I need God, I don't need sales. I need God and I need to have that type of companionship type relationship that I've attempted to find here on earth with other humans... I need you God.

What are you made of?

2009-01-13T20:29:00.000-08:00

You find out what you are really made of when you get into a difficult situation. I don't really know what I'm made of though, so that's kinda a dumb line.. I went into a business today (as a sales person) and the guy I was supposed to talk to told me flat out, "I'm not interested!" And I said, "oh, okay, thanks for taking the time, good bye..." And then I had to face the music when I got out to the care and told my trainer that I had just left. What I was supposed to say was something like this, "Darren (that was really his name), I totally understand that you are not interested, I just here to make sure you're getting the best prices..." Yeah, didn't even get that far, I just left with my tail tucked between my legs... I keep telling myself, "knowing what I know now, that won't happend again and then it happens.. Why can't I just be naturally good and people say, "I want to buy, don't even pitch me, I just want what you've got!! But then I'd just take it for granted... I want to do well with this job and being that it is commission based, I need to do well before I starve... Well, I need to go to bed, been reading a book that a friend gave me for Christmas, I'm looking forward to it!! TTYL

What is work?

2009-01-13T04:32:00.000-08:00

I'm getting ready to go to work again, I don't know why I call it work, I haven't really done anything yet.. I'm still in training, waiting for my badge to come in and for my drug nest to come back negative. But I might be opening my T (territory) today on one of the coldest days of the year. Right now it is -22 degrees outside, or twenty two below, I wish it was just 22 out!! Yeah, so hopefully my car starts... Two of my closest friends are out in Colorado, I wish I was there! I was actually considering moving out there until I met this group of friends. I would be so lonely if I moved out there. I hate being lonley even though sometimes I wish for it. We are never truely alone if we focus on God. I need to get going.

Memories, good and bad.

2009-01-11T20:04:00.000-08:00

My sister's inlaws came over tonight and we had some birthday cake. It was a good time. I hope I have cool inlaws some day.

Bob and I went out for a snomobile ride so that was fun. Both the snomobiles ran really well. I enjoy snowmobiling, I grew up riding them. I have so many memories. Do you ever just sit there and think about all the things you've done and all the places you've been? Some people tell me that I have really good memory.
I remember a family trip we went on one time, we drove out to Oregan and visited my aunt and uncle out there. Eden, my aunt, if Filippino, my uncle met her when he was in the Marine Corps. My cousins were fun to play with but they are a lot younger then me. Its interesting, my uncle is the youngest in the family and he has some of the youngest kids.. I guess my parents got started fairly early though. I remember driving out there, we went past miles and miles of barren land. Well, it wasn't barren, feilds had once been there but they weren't being used anymore. That was the summer right before I left for basic training. I remember lying in bed in basic training thinking about all those acres of unused land, there was beauty there. The nothingness was beautiful. I have wondered what it would be like to live there, I don't know what I would do but the loneliness was somewhat comforting, espeically when I was stressed out about basic training. Then I was bitten by a spider and spent two weeks in a medical ward. I had good spirits though, I am usually pretty optimistic even when times are tuff. I remember the guy in the bed across from me, he was tired of the military and tired of being in the hospital. I hope I encouraged him somewhat, I was in worse shape then he was, he just has surgery to remove some cartledge from his knee.

The military.

I remember hearing stories from soliders who came out of "med hold." They were scary stories about soldiers losing their minds from being stuck in Medical Hold as they were supposed to be recovering. I guess they had to work all day and lift heavy objects even though they were supposed to be recovering... These may just be dumb stories or tall tails but I heard stories of soliders thowing buffing machines out windows with the cord wrapped around their neck so that it would break their necks and kill them to put them out of the misery that they were in, or cutting their wrists or ODing on meds. What a sad place to be. Sometimes I wish I could have been there to witness to them or at least encourage them..

I like encouraging people and I like telling them how special they are. Everyone is special. My mom was special but I guess she had medical problems that caused her to take her own life. I don't hear very much about her and you usually don't know much about someone when you are 8 years old. I've been told that I'm a lot like my dad, but I wonder how much I'm like my mom.. What would my mom tell me today if she was here?

What would you tell your loved ones if you knew that you wouldn't be here tomarrow? Do you hold anything back? Do you really tell them how much to love them or care about them? Do you ever tell your closest friends or loved ones how much you appreciate them? I told my sister that I appreciated her, it was probably the first time I had ever told her something like that. Its funny how our family seems to be close but we don't really say anything about it. Communication is really a two way street, but if you are willing to communicate with someone, sometimes they are more willing to communicate back. Today my sister told me that she was annoyed that I didn't shovel the driveway after it had snowed, they were out of town and came back to find that I hadn't really done anything. I am glad that she told me, that's communication. She told me that she was annoyed and now I know to shovel next time. I love my sister, even when she makes me mad. My sister is so driven and caring, and she isn't afraid to tell me things even if she hurts my feelings. I guess that's what sisters are for. I've been hurt but I think she has helped make me stronger. But sometimes she doesn't understand that I hodl her opinion higher then anyone else's. I would take her advise over most people's because she really wants what is best for me and she knows me better than anyone else. I can't imagine life without her...

I read a brother's (fellow Christian) blog, he was talking about his faith. It made me wonder what my own father believes. I know that he is a believer but he doesn't talk about it. I remember growing up, my dad would read something out of a book for us and then we would pray, it was enouraging, but I don't know that I really understood my faith at that time in my life.. We used to have Friday night game nights where we would play games together, I enjoyed it. Uno was banned though because my sister and I would cry when we lost. I guess you could say that I'm somewhat competitive.

Oh the memories.

I have truely been blessed.

I am not a robot.

2009-01-11T09:25:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I took a nice long nap and then I stayed up until 2 in the morning. Then when I was checking my email I realized that I could have met some friends of mine for brunch. It would have been a long drive but I can do two hours no problem. If only I hadn't stayed up so late blogging last night. But it feels go to write things down. I know that in the past I wrote letters to people and didn't actually send them, what a sense of relief! I guess blogging is the same thing, but I would be weary to post a letter directly to someone on a blog.. I'm sure that is is done all the time though!

Dreams are kinda crazy. Sometime I feel like I can control what I'm dreaming and other times I have no control overy anything except the ability to force myself to wake up and end the dream. Last night I was dreaming about pitching (trying to sell) to someone. I don't really remember if it worked out, but the nice things about this job is I will be giving people what they want. I won't get too into depth on the subject but its kinda crazy that I was dreaming that. But the thing that is really cool, it was not a stressful dream at all. I used to work retail and I would have dreams about restocking shelves and cleaning things up and then restocking shelves, and then people telling me what to do... I would wake up and not be well rested at all and then I'd go to work and stock picture frames for a couple of hours, not fun!

I'm supposed to be meeting with a man who I graduated high school with, I guess he wants to know how I think God is my strength or why I think that he is in control of my life. You know something, you don't really realize how little strength you have until you are really tested. Life is so fragile and people are dying every day. Who am I to think that I am invincable and why do I live as if I am going to live forever. How can I go through a day and not even think about God, or Jesus and how Jesus died for me? The Bible is real. Those things really happened! I believe that! I believe that our God is the God of the universe. Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? Because we live in an evil world and because He has given us free will. We are not robots, however there are those out there that believe that Christians are mindless unthinking robots. That is so ignorant to believe. Just because I don't believe in what you believe then I must not have the ability to think and reason? I choose to believe in what I believe and I am not going to judge you for what you feel is right or wrong.

I want to love all people. Being in the military, the only color skin I saw was Green. When I meet someone on the street I want to know what the ethical origin is because it explans a lot about how they wish to be treated. All people want respect but I want to respect their customs and courtiseys. I can't spell. Okay, I just thought about that and it might not have made any sense. I guess the thing about writng things down as they come out of your head, they don't always make sense...

I need to take a shower, eat something, pick up the rest of my "tailored" suit and finish cleaning my room. My brother (in-law) and I made plans to go snowmobiling this afternoon and I need to plow the broom ball rink. We are having a party next weekend so it will give me something to look forward to this whole week. I haven't given this blogg address out to anyone so we'll see if I ever do. Yeah, some guys where blogging when we were in Iraq... I don't know if that would have good for me, I was pretty stressed out and upset with my situation.. I'm getting better but sometimes when I talk about it I get mad again. I'm not usually such an angry person though, or am I and I just don't want other people to think that? Okay, its not noon yet but I need to get going. We'll see how often I am able to blog, maybe I'll just be a weekend warrior or maybe I'll actually have something to talk about every day.. I'll have to tell everyone (no one since no one knows about this blog yet) how my first day goes!

Trav

Starting my life

2009-01-10T21:58:00.000-08:00

I have been on cruise control for as long as I can remember. I went through High School wanting things or wanting to be things just so people would notice me. I wanted to play piano becaue a girl I liked played piano and then I would have something in common with her. But why did I play piano? I enjoy playing the piano now, its fun to read the notes and play them, but I'm not very good. Why do I want anything in life? Do I want money so that I can buy things? I basically have everything that I want so why do I buy other things? I have always had a girl friend because I wanted companionship, but I was looking for companionship in all the wrong places.

A good friend asked me what God was doing in my life, the question was so simple yet so direct, it came as a shock to me, I didn't really know what to tell her. God, what have you been doing in my life? I had a converation with a fellow a short time ago about evolution and gods, and how when I feel God leading me then I am just like everyone else in the world who feels like their god is leading them in a specific direction. I've heard the saying, "the winner writes the records" well there are a lot of people out there who believe that the Christian Bible (or Catholic Bible for that matter) was written by people who want to sway one's beliefs in order gain control over them. Well, I will admit to being under someone's authority, I am under God, my God. I give him my alligence and I want to serve him. Why is he the winner and why does he get to write the books? Well, because he will always win, he's God. Yehwey, the Alpha and Omega, the begining and the end, he was before there was a was. I don't claim to be smart or an intellectual, I am who I am.

But what is it that I want?

I want to be loved. My dad said that he loved me today. I am truely loved.

I want to be trusted. When I was in the National Guard, my soldiers knew that they could count on me to help them whatever their problem was becasue I truely cared about them. I am trusted.

I want people to like me. Does anyone really know me for who I am or do they only know the person I want them to know? Who really knows me? My sister knows me. My brother-in-law knows me. A couple of my friends probably have a good idea about who I am. But who am I? Why am I so sarcastic? Why do I say dumb things that hurt people? Why do I say nice things that make people feel good? Why can't I just say what I am thinking straight up rather then saying things so sarcastically? Are all those things who I am or who I want people to see me as? I must be doing a good job portratying someone people like to be around so people must like me.

I want to love. I have some of the coolest and closest friends I have ever had. Man, God is so good! I am so thankful for the friends that he has blessed me with, and he continues to bless me with more and more friends. I love my friends.

I want to be successful. I have never failed even though I have been challenged. I started a new job recently and I will admit, I have had some days that have really tested me to see if I can take rejection. Every time that I have been rejected I have been able to get over the hurt and feelings of failure, but I have not failed. God has blessed me, eventhough I have not always blessed him. I recently read a book that some friends recommended I read, "Redeeming Love" by Francene Rivers, I would recommend this book to girls and guys alike. I think we all can relate to this book some way or another. Well, in this book God talks to Micheal by addressing him as "Beloved." I believe that he addresses me in the same way, because He loves and cares for me. The first time I read a part when God talked to Micheal calling him "beloved" a chill went down my spine. What if God talks to me like that? What if God has a plan for my life? What if God is with me every day of my life? The funny thing is though, God does talk to me like that, He does have a plan for my life, and he has been with me all the days of my life, even when I've been so distant from him.

So, with this new job I am basically starting a new chapter of my life. I told a friend that so far I think I may really enjoy this job. We will see though, I haven't left the kiddy pool yet, I'm still splashing around with my arm floaties on... I titled it "Starting my life" because it seems like I am living for myself and God for the first time in my life, before this I was serving the Army. I have God, I have close friends and I have a family that loves me, I have all the support that I need to spread my wings and fly. I am starting my life...

Since this is my first blog then maybe sometime I can tell some funny stories or something like that. If there are any special requests for stories out there please let me know and I can write them.. The thing is, I doubt they will be as funny as when I tell them, the delievery usually has a lot to do with it.