At a Crossroads

Do you every think what people will think about you after you are gone? Please do not think I am suicidal, I assure you I am not. I am just putting my thoughts onto paper. I do not know why I've been so drained lately. Well, there are probably a couple of reasons... But sometimes I take a step back and look at my life and wonder where it is going. I just found out that girl that I was somewhat interested in, in the last couple of months, is now engaged.. I was not close to her and our relationship did not go any further then one date (sort of) and hanging out a couple of times, but it I would consider it some type of relationship. I liked her, I still like her, she is a very nice girl, and I would still consider her a friend. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Or maybe it is that I'm not doing anything right because the best thing you can be doing is nothing. So if the best thing to do is nothing (just trusting in God), then all this trying that I'm doing is the worst thing to do..

A wise woman once said,
"A word of wisdom to those who are where I was before, longing to BE loved. NEVER SETTLE. You know when you are even if you try to convince yourself you’re not. As hard as it can be at times, LISTEN to that still small voice telling you how you are worth so much more then what could be settled for.
The only way to begin allowing yourself to BE loved and to believe that you are worth more…. BELIEVE that God truly unconditionally loves you no matter what you do or have done…. HE LOVES YOU AMAZINGLY!"

I want to be loved and I could have settled in the past, but I didn't. But I don't always hear that small voice. I need to work of believing that I am worth more. I talk like I have confidence but I have a surprisingly low level of self esteem. My low level of self esteems allows me to feel beaten down when things don't seem to go the way I want them to.. I need God, I need to give Him my problems and I need to look to Him for strength and guidance. He is the ONLY answer to all of my problems.

My God, He comforts me..

This will be short because I have to leave for work really soon.. The times that I think about life the most is when I am in bed. Most of the time it all just comes to me when I'm laying there.. I first think about dying. Every day I get so focused on what I'm doing I do not even realize that everything is temporary.. But then when I am laying in bed I realize that even I am temporary... That's when I first get scared, that is the human side of me. We humans like to believe that we are in control of everything. But laying there in bed I realize that I can not control what happens once I die. The next thing that happens is I realized that I need something much more powerful then myself, I need God. I need God my creator and I need Jesus my savior and friend.. Yes I still feel loneliness and I still long for humanly companionship but when I give all glory to God and cry out to Him, he comforts me. When I give Him praise in those moments, the moments that I need Him more then anything, he puts me to sleep. It happens every time. I lay down, I realize how weak I am, I get scared, I give Him praise, I fall asleep. Well, I did that this morning too. Woke up, realized how weak I was, prayed to God and fell asleep. My God, He comforts me.

Contemplating Life

I deleted my last post, a friend of mine read it and was confused.. I was confused after I read it.. A lot of time when I blog I come to conclusions but with that one I was more confused after I got done with it then I was before I sat down at the computer. Do I always have things figured out? No, I don't. But no one likes to be confused..
I was feeling lonely today... I was walking up the stairs at home thinking, "Is this worth it...? Is life worth it??" Those thoughts seem like something someone would be saying to themselves when contemplating life.. I am not suicidal but sometimes I think it is good to just think about stuff. Like ask yourself if your life is going anywhere.. Maybe most people don't really think about that. I guess if you are goal orientated you are always looking ahead and reaching for something.. But what if you don't really have anything to look forward to? I guess I have things to look forward to like spending time with my friends or going swing dancing.. But you cannot hang out with your friends all the time and you can't swing dance non stop.. I think part of my problem could be how spiritually dead I feel at times.. Like I went all weekend not really thinking about God. I did not talk to Him and I did not praise Him.. And then there are those who don't even believe God exists.. I sometimes wonder how they don't feel lonely. Maybe they just fill themselves with knowledge.. If they know all the answers then they have everything figured out. I guess that goes back to me not knowing all the answers.
This morning I was sitting in my car before going to work. I was sitting there, not really feeling sorry for myself and not really trying to motivate myself, just sitting there thinking about how I was just feeling blagh, like nothingness.. I text-ed my friends, basically just looking for words of encouragement. I have heard that in relationships just knowing that you are loved or knowing that you have the support of someone else accounts for a lot. I know that my friends and family support me but I guess I was just wanting to hear it, a sort of pick me up.. I guess that's just the way I am.. But that's me looking for words of affirmation from other people. Why didn't I pray while I was sitting there in my car? Why didn't I ask God to go with me and why didn't I ask God to show me how much he loves me?? I belive he exists, why didn't I go to him?? Probably because I'm so used to trying to do everything on my own..
I talked to my friends today, that helped. I danced with several girls tonight too, but that didn't do much for my loneliness, I was still lonely on my drive home.. I saw a pretty girl at Cub tonight, I tried not to check her out.. Guys are so visually orientated. Then I was hoping that my wife would be attractive like that. No time line as far as that is concerned. I'm tired..

I Hate Girls but I Love My Friends!!

I usually don't title my blogs until I get to the end because I usually start out on one thought and then move onto something totally different. That might be the case for this blog too but this is something I've been thinking about today and I thought the title would get people interested... Well, a title like that needs some sort of explanation... I only know of a couple of people who read my blog, I don't even know how this whole things works as far as who can see what or what not.. Anyway, those of you who know me, I mean really know me, you know where I've come from and where God is taking me because we've talking about it and you know more things about me then what my blogs talk about. I probably go into more detail on some things and you've probably gotten to know me better through reading my blogs, or you at least know how I reason through things...

So, cutting to the chase, why do I hate girls but love my friends? Well, most people should be able to figure out why someone loves their friends, that's because everyone needs friends.. Just think about how lonely you would be if you did not have anyone to talk to... That's one thing I need, I need people to talk to... Like today when I got off of work I started calling everyone, starting with my closest friends and working outwards.. I called all four of them and no one was there but then I got a call back. And later at night I got another call back.. So my friends came through for me. Some of my closest friends are girls so I don't love some girls who are in my life... I can't really say which of my friends I love more, but I love them all for different reasons, but those reasons are not important. Now to explain the first part of my title. Why do I "hate girls," well let me first start by saying I don't hate anyone and saying that I hate girls in not a truthful statement. I more said it to get you this far, but don't stop reading!! What I really mean is that what I hate about girls is the type of influence they have on guys.. I'll incorporate this into my life so you can better understand where I'm coming from... Okay, flash back to a month and a half ago, I was unemployed and I did not have much going on in my life.. I had just gotten done from going on a ski trip with some of my best friends and I was basically just enjoying life. And then I met this girl that really blew me away. She seemed so friendly and out going, she was a strong Christian, she had an awesome personality, she enjoyed swing dancing and she was really cute... So what does any single guy do in that sort of situation?? Well, he starts liking her..

So you take this guy who was just minding his own business, living life and having fun, and now there's this new person in his life... Now flash forward like three weeks, this girl is not talking to him like he thought she once was and he does not know what to think. When in reality, she is not really talking to him any less, its more of his perception of the situation. Why does it have to work that way? See how this girl came in with a rush and seemed to go out with a rush just as quickly... That's the part that I "hate" about the whole situation... But I don't regret anything and the best part of this whole deal? Well, this girl is no longer in the "girl" category, she is still a friend and is moving to the other side of the "equation.." This is really the best case scenario, I have no idea what she is doing now and it really does not matter, what matters is that she is happy and that she still wants to be my friend. So, her status is very similar to that of my other true friends.. When I talk to my friends at night I am not asking them where they are, what they are doing or who they are with, it does not change their status with me, they are still my friends no matter what they are doing with their lives.. Sure, I get annoyed with them or miss them or call them when I need someone to talk to, but I am still not really concerning myself with their personal lives... And that's where the "girl's" come in...

When a girl is just a girl to me, that is when I wonder what they are doing or what they are thinking about or who they are with... But when they are just my friends then none of that matters.. So, a more truthful title to this blog would be, "I hate it when I get emotionally attached to someone I do not know very well because no matter what the relationship title is/was, it still hurts when it is over, but friendships are much more rewarding then short lived emotional attachments...

God in the driver's seat...

I have to go to work soon, but I've been thinking a lot lately... I guess you can say I'm a thinker, I'm usually always thinking about something. Lately I've been thinking a lot about my future... Like where my current job would take me, but more short term, can I make it in my current job?? And then I think about where I see myself in a couple of years... But then I ask myself if I would be content if I found myself in the same position that I am in right now... Single, in a job that I don't like, hanging out with friends and swing dancing... I've met a lot of people swing dancing and a number of the guys I've met are just where I am, they seem very sociable, they are good dancers and they are very single... Its the very single part that worries me. But then I have to ask myself, why am I worrying? Does God love me? And doesn't He have a plan for me?? If I have him do I really need anything else. Well, the answer is both yes and no. I need friendships and I need Christian friends, without them I would be lonely even with God in my life.. I am learning patience. I have always thought of myself as a patient person but it is even harder to be patient when you think you know what you want and you can't get it. I don't know that I know exactly what I want, but God has been showing me that when I think I want something its not always what I need. Why can't I be content with what I have? I am content with my friends, I am content with my living arrangements, I love my family, and I really enjoy living in MN... I don't know where this is going... I don't know where my life is going... I am still learning who I am... And who I am going to be... Or what I am going to be... I guess I just need to sit back and enjoy the ride, with God in the drivers seat...

What do you dream about??

My dreams have been kinda weird lately. Thankfully they haven't all been about collecting money, my current job, but they've been about off the wall things. Believe it or not I have a lot of military related dreams.. Go figure, but lately my ex girl friends have been visiting me in my dreams. And then when I wake up I lay in bed and pray and talk to God.. Now wouldn't it be awesome if I dreamt about God or if Jesus visited me in my dreams?? Oh, I have to go to work, I was thinking I started at ten but I actually start at 9:30... and its 9 right now.. But yeah, I want to dream about God, I need Him in my life.. Just imagine what it would be like to dream about God all the time instead of collections, or the military or even girls... Gotta Go,
Bye

To God be the Glory.

God is so good, God is so good, God is so good he is good to me.. I do not give him enough credit, he deserves it all because without Him my life would be so depressing. When I need comfort I pray to Him and he comforts me, when I lay awake and night scared, I pray to him and He relaxes me - the next thing I know it is morning and I slept fine. When I don't know where my life is going I lay it all down to Him and He tells me that my life is right on track.. I try so hard at the things that I do but I think that's more of the man He made me to be then me trying to do things my own way. I will always try hard because that's what I do but where God comes in is giving me contentment in the outcome. I may try extremely hard at something and then fail but I can be okay with the failure because I know that what ever the trial was, God allowed it to happen to me to draw me closer to Him. When things are going well I am thankful, I thank God for what he has given me and go on with my life, but I don't cling to Him like I do when I'm going through a painful situation. God understands me when other don't. My closest friends don't understand me... I think SS understands me pretty well but we don't talk about it much. I was talking to my sis a while back and I was joking about how people don't "get" me and she said that that probably wasn't a very good thing. I have to agree with her, it isn't a good thing because when people don't understand you you tend to get lonely. Well, maybe not lonely, I don't know what word would describe the feeling maybe lost or alone, they are all similar feelings but different in their own ways... Princess is pretty good at reading my emotions. Well, it could be intuition or she just gets lucky. For some reason she knows just when to ask how I'm doing and I usually tell her I'm doing okay but sometimes I go into detail. But when she asks she is actively listening and when she asks she's not just talking about how I am doing emotionally but also "what God is doing in my life.." Or maybe she is the only person who asks how I am doing and really means it. Coming to that realization just made me cry.. Yeah, thanks dude, you mean so much to me. To my other friends defense, they ask me how I'm doing but it usually comes across in more of a casual "guy" sort of way, like "What's up, how you doin'?" So it is probably very genuine but doesn't come across like that. I think the timing has something to do with it, Princess asks at the right time when no one else is around or when its just the three of us. But on the same note, I don't ask my friends how they are doing, not like Princess does... Or maybe I already kinda know what is going on in their lives so instead of asking how they are doing I instead ask probing questions to see if they will expound.. I don't know, I'll have to ask how they are doing more and what God is doing in their lives. That is where fellowship and soal bonding seems to really make a difference. Well this is much longer then I planned on it being..