Its almost time to leave Kentucky.

I am going to graduate from Armor Basic Officer Leadership Course today.. I have a lot of thought running through my head.. Did I try as hard as I should have? I didn't get any awards, it would have been nice but did I really want an award? I will miss the friends that I have made while I have been down here, will I ever make it back? Did I say things that were better left unsaid? Is there someone out there for me or have I already met her? Will I find a good job once I get back? Will I find a job down here and move down here? What do I want in life? I've asked that before but maybe I don't really know what I want.. There are so many questions and so few answers..

Packing...

Well, I did it again.. I took a nap earlier today because I was so tired and then I stayed up late packing for ten days in the field.. This is the last big push, we will be tested on everything that they have been teaching us over the past three and a half months! I am not too nervous, I know I can do everything, I just have to pay attention to the details. We will be given an order and then we will have to cater that order to our Platoon, but we will be working with a company sized unit and will have to work together with other platoons. It should be really good training! In all the training we have had we have only done about three company sized missions.. Oh, and another thing, we will be sleep deprived! We should get about three to four hours of sleep a night, and the last five days we'll get two hours of sleep every third day! Like I said, it should be some good training!!

I don't have too many really good friends down here.. No one that I can just hang out with and talk about life.. I guess I get lonely, so I've chatting with friends back home on FB, it has really helped! I am a little nervous about going home. I have some money saved up, but I don't know if I am going to pay off my loans from school or just try to save it.. I could probably pay off all of my loans but then I wouldn't have very much money.. And then there is tithe. I want to give ten percent so I might see if one of my missionary friends have any needs. Tithe is kinda tough.. Like it would be so easy just to keep the money.. I read a book on tithing once. In the book the author talked about how tithing isn't necessarily easy but it is giving something or worth for someone who gave everything. I guess I have a saying that I kinda live by, "money will come and go but you'll always have your family.." Family here on earth is different from our eternal family but that's probably just because we compartmentalize our lives.. I am a part of God's family when I want to be or when I look for it.. But it really isn't that way, or it shouldn't be.

I have been considering moving to KY. I've been thinking about it for probably about a month now. I've prayed a lot and thought about it but I am thinking that it is more of a thought then a plan. There are some really cool people down here, they have swing dancing a couple times a week and I like the area. I will miss my family but I could probably get up to see them a couple times a year.. I don't know, it would be a big step and a lot of things would have to line up to make it an option.. I am probably going to try to get unemployment benefits for a couple weeks or months.. The amount that I will get should be about equal to what I was getting before I came down here, so I will definitely be able to live off of it and still be able to save.. I will probably try to get a job at Wells Fargo or some other bank, I think that would be a good career move for me and it would give me some experience in the banking industry if I chose to move.. I probably wouldn't make too much but I think I would enjoy the job. It would probably be a lot of standing around.. Sometime I would like to have a job that involves sitting. Sitting is easier on your body. I'm starting to sound old, worrying about my body and all.

I guess what it all comes down to is focusing on God and where he is going to take me. I put so many other things before Him and my relationship with Him.. Paul is one of my hero's. He had so much faith! Sure, he had some pretty amazing things happen to him but he went where God sent him and didn't really complain about it. I am looking forward to meeting him some day, when "my mission is done." Or when Jesus comes back. Well, I need to get up in about three hours so I should probably hit the hay.

Looking back on my last ten years and looking forward to the next...

Happy Birthday to me! Sometimes I wonder if I should have planned my life better, or had goals for my life. But then I realize that every time I make a plan for my life it doesn't work. I was putting a BIO together for the NG and it occurred to me that it took me ten years to get through college.. Sure, two years were a tech school and four years were for my BS so the fastest it could have been was 6 years.. But it still struck me as a long time. But I can look back over those ten years and see all the cool things I did, the numerous countries I visited and the people I interacted with. Over that time I went to the Philippines, Germany, France, Guatemala, Mexico, Bosnia, Hungry, Iraq and Qatar.. I don't think I would have thought about planning for that when I graduated HS.. And I played soccer, took up disc golf, and ran a 5k in under 20 minutes.. Oh, and swing dancing.. Swing Dancing has been my most rewarding accomplishment! But I want more.. I never thought I would be as good as I am now but I still think of myself as an intermediate..

Turning 31 seems old.. I still feel like I'm 27 or 28.. I'm in good shape and I stay active. Thankfully I have matured a ton in the past ten years.. Both spiritually and mentally. Spiritually speaking, I feel that I have realized that I am not as invincible as I once thought.. I think a lot of young males go through that stage.. I find myself looking for strength in Christ rather then relying on my own power. And that's where the planning starts to come it again, but this time around it is more about seeking guidance rather then looking for answers. If Jesus told me the answers would I believe Him, just like at the age of 19 or 20 would I believe I would have done all the things I've accomplished in the past ten or so years? Probably not.. So now I talk to God about what is going on in my life and see where He takes me. He has lead me to join the NG after getting out, something I was not sure I would have ever done, but it turned my life around financially and has brought me to where I am today. Why am I here though.. But that is looking for answers again.. Its better to say, "thanks for bringing me here, now use me.." That's where the living part of my faith comes in. The only way that is going to work is by focusing on Him and including Him in my day rather then praying and meditating at night.. Does God read my bloggs? Of course he does! Thanks for being there bud, or I mean, God.. I am anxious to see where you take me in the next ten years! I know it will be great and probably more then I ever would have believed if you were to tell me right now! I can't wait, I know it will go by fast! Thanks for everything!

"Enjoy the Moment" changes to "Enjoying the Moments."

I was chatting with a good friend on FB the other day and she said something that has stuck with me for the past couple of days.. She said, "Enjoy the moment," when I was telling her what was new with my life. It is in those moments that you are able to look back, it is what memories are made of. Some of the "moments" that I look back on and always bring a smile to my are are the months that I spent with my friends, Matt, Leah, Jaron and Kristy. We spent a summer together and that summer changed our lives. The summer ended in a grand fine-ally when we spent the weekend together. Well, I can't speak for everyone but Jaron and Leah are married and have a baby together, so it changed their lives.. Kristy will be an eternal friend no matter where her life takes her and Matt and I will always have a connection. At the time, I think we all knew that we would never be spending a weekend like that together ever again but everything was perfect. Oh, it was so perfect. I praise God for giving us these moments. Other "moments" that I have enjoyed are "moments" that just happen and you don't really enjoy them until you are looking back on them. I guess life just happens so fast that the moment is here and gone before you realize it ever happened. But I will always be able to look back on the experiences and know that we all shared it together. When I was talking to the woman who told me this, I was telling her about plans I was making and how I might be making some changes in my life.. I want to be able to enjoy the moment but when I find someone special I want that moment to change into life.. So I won't necessarily be "enjoying the moment" because everything I do will be enjoyable.. Does that make sense? I guess it would change from a past tense "enjoy" into a present tense, "enjoying..." "Enjoying the moments," everything you are doing is an adventure and there won't be a change from ordinary to special. It will all be special..

Now I'm going to make a bit of a stretch to 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." This is what God wants for us..? What I take away from this passage is that Christ is here, with us, now. We don't look back as say, "That was awesome spending time with Jesus.." Jesus didn't leave, he's been here all along.. We don't go away and share a weekend with him and then go on with our life because he is there right now! I'm not waiting for a chance He will have to just hang out with me because he is already there, enjoying the moments we are always spending with Him.. So, right now, I'm enjoying the moments with Jesus. What's up Jesus? How ya doing bra? Kickin' it with my homie, brotha J. Ever present. Thank you for everything, Jesus..

"I am coming back to the heart of worshing and its all about you, its all about you Jesus."

I know I just blogged like five minutes ago but I've been doing a lot of reflecting tonight. I guess that's what happens when you sit and think about your life and wonder about things. I came to the realization that I have been doing a lot of compromising the past couple of months.. Thankfully I have not compromised in areas like premarital sex or anything like that but I have been tempted.. A song just came to me, "I'm coming back to the heart of worship and its all about you, all about you Jesus." Reflecting on that thought, lately it has not been about Jesus, its been about Travis. And this feeling is empty. I want to live for something more then myself. At church last week the pastor was preaching out of Act's, one of my favorite books, his challenge to us as a congregation was to go and tell the world about the good news of Christ. Being raised in the church I know all of these things but I'm not living for Him. I think that has a lot to do with the pattern that I am in. I have this constant longing for female companionship but every time I become interested in someone I go running in that direction.. Why. Because I'm human I guess.. Maybe I don't have an answer for it. Okay, I don't have an answer for it. I am weak and its only when I realize this that I go running back to Christ. Its an up and down pattern. I need to stop compromising but the only way to do that is to focus on Jesus, not everything else that takes up my time from day to day. I need to make time for Jesus just like I make time for studying and swing dancing. It will take a conscious effort but I know that it will be rewarding. When I look back on my life I realize that the times that I have been most heart broken or sad it has only been my relationship with Jesus that has gotten me through those times. My family has been supportive and encouraging but when I have focused on Christ it has made the biggest difference. Once again, I find myself on the bottom looking up, not knowing where I am going to go or what I am going to do. My job ends in just over a month and I will have to live on savings but I believe that I am here for a reason. I believe that I am going through these trials so that I can once again realize that I am here because I have lost focus but at the same time I am right where I am supposed to be. And I find myself thanking God for everything that he has blessed me with. Everything.

Who needs girls when you've got God. I quit girls.

Yeah, I'm not with that girl that I blogged about last.. She and I correspond about once a week, she is really busy.. I am thankful that I do not wait for her to call anymore, she hasn't called since a couple days after I got back down here. Her profile is active on Match.com again, I don't really care though. Sometimes there is so much clarity when you can look at a situation in the past. I feel like I'm coming to a point in my life that my sister, the 27 year old, came to when she was in HS.. She bid off boys, said that she was not interested in them at all, and vowed that she would become a Nun. Well, we went to a Protestant Church so she wasn't really going to become a Nun, but that's what she said. My Match.com profile is active right now, but I haven't met many people on there. I've actually met more people swing dancing.. I met this one girl who is really special, it makes me wish that I was living in Louisville. I'm tempted to try and move down here but I don't know what my friends and family would say.. I don't even know what this girl would say.. I could save up my money, I should actually be able to do that now that all but my college loans are paid for.. I think I keep on coming back to the same conclusion, I need to focus on God... I'll be honest, I have really drifted away from him. I pray, but not as often as I used to, I read my Bible last night but it was the first time in a while, I went to church last weekend and it was great.. I feel like Paul, asking himself why he sins so much and why he does the things that the world does.. I know that God created me to be special and that I'm not a bad guy, I know that he loves me and has cared for me this whole time even though I have done things that he does not approve of.. I need God in my life more then I need any woman, more then I need to swing dance, more then the enjoyment I would get out of owning a nice car or a big truck.. He has blessed me so much, and I usually don't realize it. I am so thankful for what I have.

Where I'm at in my life..

I think I'm still dating the same girl that I blogged about last... I came home for Christmas to visit my friends and family and to spend some time with my girl friend. The thing is, I think we spent too much time together for as short as we were dating.. I guess she was able to see what I'm really like.. After spending so much time together we both realized that our relationship had a long ways to go. Here is a little insight into how I feel my mind works with I'm away doing military stuff. When I'm here, surrounded by a bunch of other guys, one of the things that gets me through it all is having something to look forward to.. Like when I was at Fort Benning I met a girl online and corresponded with her for about a month or so. It made that last month go fast as I was looking forward to meeting her. Well, I met her and she told me that it wasn't going to work out for various reason. I was fine with that, at least she was honest with me.

Well, taking that perspective into consideration with my current interest these past few days have been challenging. I really like this woman and being away from someone you care about is always hard, but there are a couple of things that help people get through stuff like this. I guess sometimes all I need is a little bit of encouragement. For example, I have gotten some short texts from her telling me that she has been sick lately and I know that she has had a lot of things going on in her life, but just getting a text saying that she is thinking about me or hopes that I have a good day can go a long ways. Shortly after I got back to KY she and I had a DTR (defining the relationship) conversation. Well, it was kinda a DTR only we didn't really define it, we more said that we had to focus on the here and now of our lives rather then getting to far ahead of ourselves. I agreed with her and told her that I will support her in whatever she does. I felt like I wanted to empower her and I wanted her to know that I wanted what was best for her. I guess sometimes I worry and when that happens I just want her to tell me that everything is going to be okay.. But at the same time I can appreciate her telling me that its not okay and its over.. I guess its the part about not knowing or understanding what is going on. One of the many things that is special about this woman is that she is a "straight shooter, no none sense kind of gal," meaning, she says it like it is. So that's the part where I just want to be patient and let her tell me how she feels. If nothing else, I feel like I am becoming more trusting, I'm allowing her to dictate the terms of our relationship, even if it is more of a friendship then anything else..

I guess something else that I am learning is that I don't have many close friends. I think some of it has to do with proximity. Like when I'm in the cities I have some friends who I enjoy doing activities with but when I'm away from home I don't talk to them at all. I have some friends that moved out of the cities but I don't see them as much as I once did, and other friends have moved out of the country so I have lost touch with them.. When my parents moved 7 hrs North of the cities it really decreased my interaction with them as well. My dad still calls me almost weekly, I am thankful for that.

Everything else is going well down here. I am anxious to be busy again, when I'm busy I don't think about my personal life.. It helps me put off worrying about finding a job when I get back to MN and all those other things that I tend to worry about. But this time away has helped me realize that I have to looking forward to other things. I have to look forward to finding a job. I want to find a "dream job" or at least a job that will challenge me but more importantly, something that I will be good at.. I should be able to pay off some of my student loans and possibly get unemployment until I find something that will pay well. I'll have to look into government jobs or working for the State through the military.. I need to be patient and work hard at finding a job rather then taking the easy route, because that usually turns into the hard route.. And I need to focus on God, that's something I haven't been doing for the past couple of months. Pray for me if you think about it,

Thanks,

Trav