I'm glad I'm single

I'm down here at Officer Candidate School in Fort Benning Georgia and it seems like I'm always hearing guys talking on the phone to their loved ones and things don't seem to be going well. The Army can be very difficult on relationships... There is this guy who I know pretty well who has been trying to do nice things for his gf/fiancee but nothing seems to work. He buys her flowers but they are dead when she gets them... Or he tried to call her and she is always busy... But then he gets her on the phone and things are going okay but not great.. The guy has been away from home for three or four months and has been trying to do everything right since he left but she is still upset about things that he did before he left... He's a good guy and he is spinning his wheels but not really going anywhere... I'm glad I'm not that "that guy..."

And there is another guy who I heard talking to his gf and she is not happy about him calling her or the time that he is calling her... What is he supposed to do? He is trying so hard..

I have looked for girls on the internet and what not but that is difficult.. The thing is, I don't know that I would know what to do with a girl if I ever caught one.. I've been out of 'the game' for so long.. On the other hand, sometimes I feel like I'm 'that guy' that I never wanted to be... You know, the forty year old virgin type of guy..

But I'm glad I'm single. I can't imagine trying to make something work at a time like this. We had a briefing a couple of weeks ago for the Family Readiness Group and the women there were telling us how they have managed to stay with their husbands for all these years. I have great respect for them, they've stayed with their spouses through thick and thin, the numerous deployments and the time they've spent away from home, the several moves, raising a family and loving their husbands. So many of those things were not easy but they are still there, fighting ring along side their spouses. I don't know where the military will bring me or what God has planned for me but as of right now I am glad that I'm doing it alone.

Why

Where are things going? Why are things the way that they are? Why do I doubt myself? Am I in the right place? Am I looking for love in all the wrong places? Why do I feel lonely? Do others see me the way I see myself? If I feel like I want to get away will I find what I'm looking for when I get there? What am I looking for? Who am I looking for? Should I wait or should I pursue? What really matters in life? If I have a plan is it the right plan? If it is not the right plan how will I know if it doesn't work? When will it all make sense? Will it ever make sense? Are my answers to the questions the right answers? Does anyone really know me? Do I really know myself? Why isn't everything as easy as it seemed to be before? If things were easy before when did it change? If I don't have any regrets then why am I not where I thought I would be? Where did I think I would be? Where should I be? What am I doing with my life? What is life? What is right and what is wrong? Why are my answers not your answers? Do I really want an answer? What is love? What is acceptance? Is there compromise? What is compromise? What is happiness? What does it feel like? If I am successful will I consider it a success? Where will I be in a year? Where will I be in five or ten years? Will these thoughts be considered foolish? If I am doing what I enjoy why do I want more? Is there really a reason for everything? Is there something wrong? Why do I feel the way I feel? No response necessary...

Update on my life..

Well, a couple of things have changed since my last blog... I am still working at the collectiong company, and I actually made my goal this month.. In other news: I've since decided not to join the Army full time, instead I decided to go back to the National Guard and serve the country part time.. What it came down to is that I did not want to leave my family. If I had joined the Army I would have most likely been stationed in a state that was a couple days driving time away from MN. I really like MN, I like being around my family and friends and I like having four seasons where it snows in the winter and gets hot in the summer..

I have been swing dancing for over a year and a half now and I have really been enjoying it. I have been meeting people and have been improving as a dancer. I don't know it I will ever have a career in dancing but at this point I'm more then happy to give people free lessons and feed back on dancing. I am by no means an expert but I enjoy learning and I enjoy dancing. I will have to go away for the summer with the National Guard as I train to be an officer but I am anxious to go, I need the money and I think I will enjoy it.

The dance group that I am in is having try outs the month of March so I'm excited about that. I almost don't want to go but life is always changing and I've learned to better cope with these constant changes..

I'm still single but I enjoy my singleness. But being single, I have far more friends who are girls then I ever have had while dating. I think it is really neat how that works.. Over the past couple years I have learned how to be a friend and I am more of the "guy next door" that I always wanted to be. But the beauty of it is that I don't think I am trying to be someone who I am not.. Some of my friends who are girls could someday be more then "just friends" but most of my friendships will only be that, friendships. But these friendships are still super rewarding.

I have plans to hopefully deploy with the National Guard as an Officer on their next deployment. I am looking forward to leading soldiers and I should get paid well. I would like to purchase a house when I get back and hopefully by that time Polaris will be hiring so I could get a job there. We will see though, maybe God has other plans..

It has been a while.

Trav here,

Just sitting at my computer after a long day at work. I had Swing Cat's practice, it was good. But I don't know where my career is going or if it will work itself out. I'm in collections, I call people on the phone tell them that they need to pay their bills. Work is fun and exciting when I have money coming in but then it is difficult and tiring when I don't have any money coming in. I don't really like playing this "number's game." Some people do really well at it but I am kinda growing tired of it.. I once thought that all I wanted to do was help people and I am helping people who want to help themselves but there are so many people who think the world owes them something or they are not willing to help themselves.. There are so many people who have that sort of mentality, they think that wealth is their right, like they don't even have to work hard anymore.. I am willing to work hard and I want to work hard but I might be in the wrong field. I am doing this because I have to. Almost everyone has to work to make a living, but so many people blame their problems on the government.. Like the government is supposed to take care of them. I think the government is supposed to protect us, like keep us safe and secure, but I don't think they are supposed to do a whole lot more then that..

Lately I have been seriously considering joining the government on this one, the Army that is. I would be working for the government and the government would be paying me but that would not come without sacrifice... Being in the Army would change a lot about my life, I would lose my freedome. I would lose the freedome to go where I wanted because I would be bound by them 24/7. I would have to move away and I would not see my friends and family as often as most people are free to do.. Sure, I would make new friends and I would have my time off but it would be very different. I would have more responsbilities then most people have to deal with and many things would be controled by the rules and guidlines that are already in place. But I think I would like most of it.. The things that I know I would not be able to do are: spending time with my friends and live are free, spend weekends enjoying the Minnesota weather, and see my family whenever I feel like making the drive..

Why would I join the military? I want a career. The way the economy is right now, I am unable to find a career that I enjoy doing. I want a job where I won't be stuck in the office all the time but at the same time I don't want to be doing manual labor all of the time either.. I think the military will allow that. I want to join the military and be an officer where I will be leading soldiers. In my position I would have people looking up to me for guidence and we would all be on the same team.. There will be risks but I have to decide if the reward will be worth it. There are things that I've always wanted in life, material things, is joining the military to get those materal things really worth it? I enjoy working on cars and working with my hands, but I can't really afford either one of those things where I am working now. So much in this world revolves around money, but that's the way it really has to be... Even if you were to be a monk living in a monestary the monestary is getting money from somewhere.. And everyone needs money to live... I am a very structured person, I believe the structure of the military would work well with me. Its almost like a calling.. I feel at home in the military. I have grown used to living by their rules.. From the time I got out of the National Guard I've kept my watch set to military time almost like its alwasy supposed to be that way.

When I was in the National Guard before I didn't really feel like civilans understood things about me. Like I always wanted them to understand what I did, my job, and the stucture, but I've come to realize that no one really understand that stuff unless they were in the military. I connect well with people who were in the service because they understand where I am coming from. Anyway, I am rambling.

I would give up a lot of things if I went into the military, I would miss my friends and family the most. I would probably miss Robbie the most, I talk to him almost every day. And my friends would probably miss me. That's where the meaning of life comes into play. I was talking with J the other day about heaven and how time doesn't exhist and if it doesn't exhist outside of this world then people who have died have already gone to heaven. So how meaningful is our life here? Just think of all the things you've done in life and how the years have gone by, how you can never get any of those years back... If I joined the military and retired in 17 years, would I look back and say, "Maybe I should have stayed with that job that I didn't like, I could have gotten somewhere..." or will I look back and say, "that was a really good decision, look where God has taken me..." How will you ever know if you don't take that step? I've been praying for guidence and I keep moving forward with this decision, I guess that is a direction, right? My friends know that I've been thinking about this for a while, probably longer then any other big decision I have considered. So far it feels like this is something that I've always wanted but have found ways to put it off. Now with the way things are, me being in debt and not knowing how I'm going to be able me financially make everything work. It could be one of the best decisions of my life. I feel that God has lead me to this because I am content with so many things in my life.. I am content with being single, I am content knowing that God is with me where ever I go, and I am content knowing that my friends and family love me for the man I have become. Having their support is something that I have always wanted but have not really known was there until now. I have needed this year away from the military to find myself and my friendships have made the biggest difference, those friends are Bob, Heidi, Jaron, Leah, Ben, Rae Rae, Matt and Kristy. Each special in their own way and have helped me understand that they truely care for me no matter where life (God) takes me.

What good are Allies if they are not willing to fight??

Am I doing as much as I should or can be doing? Do you ever ask yourself that? A friend of mine posted something on FB, she said that she was feeling the weight of the world on her.. I thought that was an interesting thing to post and wondered what she was going though.. I found out later that she was feeling anxiety about how our "great" country believes that it is okay to take a child's life. What is so great about that? We got into a discussion about this a work about a month ago and one of the Leads had to tell us to stop talking about it.. When is it okay to abort a baby? I once thought that it was okay to abort a baby if the woman was raped but my views have changed. I do not think a baby should ever be aborted, "bastard" children are lives too... There as so many people willing to adopt children these days (or that's what I've been told) there will always be someone to care for and love a child. Anyway, she said that she fasted and prayed about it. What else should we be doing? I do not like our president, he scares me. His policies feel too much like socialism and making everyone equal. The people on the bottom of the social structure want to be at the top and they don't want to have to work to get there... That is what we get from the immediate gratification crowd... I think is should be illegal to abort a child, period. Once you start making acceptions you start playing god.

Anyway, getting back to the discussion about abortions and parents loving their children... Another friend of mine works for a company that cares for children with handicaps, mental and physical, she was telling me about some of her kids who are having their parent's parental rights terminated.. She was talking about how the kids want more then anything to be with their parents even though they were in a really bad sitution. The kids just want to be loved by their parents but heir parents were not even caring for their simplest needs.. The feeling of abandoning my kids (I don't have any kids) absolutely tears my heart apart.. I can not even begin to imagine how parents can just take their kid for granted... Most parents care for their children more then they are for themselves, how does one lose that drive? Selfishness, that's how... I once heard about a family that had a down syndrome child, I think they were very selfish. This couple was a very affluent family and they had many nice things but everything changed when their first child came along... They had all of these dreams for this kid and they were both extremely excited about having a child and then when they realized that they would not be able to do all the things that they had dreamed about, they dropped that kid like a bad habit... They put him up for adoption and walked away.. I am sure the kid was adopted by a family who was willing to love him and accept him for the kid that God made him to be.. At least they did not abort the child but they did care for the child more then them selves..

So I ask myself, am I don't all that I can to fight for what I believe? The answer is no. I could be doing more, I could always be doing more... But my friend also said that she does not want to look back on her life and ask herself what she could have done differently. What will I tell God on judgement day? He asks me what I lived for knowing full well all of the times that I stumbled and all the times that I looked the other way when I could have stood up for what I believed... I need to pray about this. We as humands get into patterns and we tend to do what it easiest. It usually is not easy to stand up for what you believe because sometimes you turn allies into enemies... But what good are allies if they are not willing to fight??

This is something I am going to have to pray and meditate on..

357

Today my land lady/house mate asked me if I talk in my sleep. I admitted that I do.. She said that a few nights ago she heard me like screaming in a soft voice... I knew exactly what she was talking about. I had a bad dream... This wasn't one of those bad colletions dreams that I've been having about work, it was far deeper then that.

Well, deeper and bizarre.. This will make no sense to anyone but it had something to do with the numbers 357 and the fact that I am going to die some day... I've had a dream similar to this before, nothing to do with the numbers but everything to do with the feeling, it was the feeling of death.

What does death feel like... I don't know but in my dream I was dealing with what happens when you die.. Its times like that, where you are faced with something that you know you cannot overcome by yourself, that you realize how out of control you are. What I mean is what little control you have over the outcome. I will die some day and every one else reading this will also die some day. Just think about that, life as we know it will no longer exhist. We are finite beings meaning that our life started and it will end. Some people do not believe in God or eternity, I do not know how they deal with nightmares of dieing or the thought of life ending. My nightmare has a happy ending... I don't know what happened in it but I found myself crying out to God. I cried out to him to save me. I cried out to him to comfort me. I need God more then anything in my life. Crying out to anything else does not comfort me... I like trucks, snowmobiles and swing dancing but crying out to snowmobiles is meaningless, they can not save me. They are not ever present. They did nothing for me.. There are times when I feel lonely but that's because I am focusing on the finite, when I focus on the eternal, I am comforted..

I've been a bad friend (to Jesus)

My last blog talked about friends and meaningful friendships... I have been missing the point, or maybe more importantly, I have been being a poor friend myself. I need to be better friends with Jesus. What makes friendships work? Quality Time and Effort!! I have a friend who I never hear from, at one time I was calling him daily but that's when my job allowed it and we lived closer together. I understand that he has been very busy but when he doesn't make time for his friends or even make an effort to talk to them it makes it hard to stay close friends...

Now if I switch the tables and look at how often I've been "calling on" God or how often I've been talking to Jesus, I am just as bad or worse of a friend. And this friendship is not one of those people that I just talk to once a week, this is our Savior, the one who gave his life for me..

I feel asleep praying two nights ago and last night I feel asleep reading the word. Then this morning I read out of Matthew and Romans.. I need Jesus! Why am I always trying to find fulfillment through other avenues? (girls) Maybe because that is the flesh speaking to me, pulling me in other directions.. There is no excuse, it is just selfish thinking. Yesterday I don't think I prayed at all at work or even talked to Jesus. I need to be thinking of him all the time, please help me Jesus, be with me, lead me, sorry for being such a bad friend and not letting my light shine. I need you more then anything else and I will never be truly happy if I do not have you first in my life. Thank you for everything.