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Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I Hate Girls but I Love My Friends!!

I usually don't title my blogs until I get to the end because I usually start out on one thought and then move onto something totally different. That might be the case for this blog too but this is something I've been thinking about today and I thought the title would get people interested... Well, a title like that needs some sort of explanation... I only know of a couple of people who read my blog, I don't even know how this whole things works as far as who can see what or what not.. Anyway, those of you who know me, I mean really know me, you know where I've come from and where God is taking me because we've talking about it and you know more things about me then what my blogs talk about. I probably go into more detail on some things and you've probably gotten to know me better through reading my blogs, or you at least know how I reason through things...

So, cutting to the chase, why do I hate girls but love my friends? Well, most people should be able to figure out why someone loves their friends, that's because everyone needs friends.. Just think about how lonely you would be if you did not have anyone to talk to... That's one thing I need, I need people to talk to... Like today when I got off of work I started calling everyone, starting with my closest friends and working outwards.. I called all four of them and no one was there but then I got a call back. And later at night I got another call back.. So my friends came through for me. Some of my closest friends are girls so I don't love some girls who are in my life... I can't really say which of my friends I love more, but I love them all for different reasons, but those reasons are not important. Now to explain the first part of my title. Why do I "hate girls," well let me first start by saying I don't hate anyone and saying that I hate girls in not a truthful statement. I more said it to get you this far, but don't stop reading!! What I really mean is that what I hate about girls is the type of influence they have on guys.. I'll incorporate this into my life so you can better understand where I'm coming from... Okay, flash back to a month and a half ago, I was unemployed and I did not have much going on in my life.. I had just gotten done from going on a ski trip with some of my best friends and I was basically just enjoying life. And then I met this girl that really blew me away. She seemed so friendly and out going, she was a strong Christian, she had an awesome personality, she enjoyed swing dancing and she was really cute... So what does any single guy do in that sort of situation?? Well, he starts liking her..

So you take this guy who was just minding his own business, living life and having fun, and now there's this new person in his life... Now flash forward like three weeks, this girl is not talking to him like he thought she once was and he does not know what to think. When in reality, she is not really talking to him any less, its more of his perception of the situation. Why does it have to work that way? See how this girl came in with a rush and seemed to go out with a rush just as quickly... That's the part that I "hate" about the whole situation... But I don't regret anything and the best part of this whole deal? Well, this girl is no longer in the "girl" category, she is still a friend and is moving to the other side of the "equation.." This is really the best case scenario, I have no idea what she is doing now and it really does not matter, what matters is that she is happy and that she still wants to be my friend. So, her status is very similar to that of my other true friends.. When I talk to my friends at night I am not asking them where they are, what they are doing or who they are with, it does not change their status with me, they are still my friends no matter what they are doing with their lives.. Sure, I get annoyed with them or miss them or call them when I need someone to talk to, but I am still not really concerning myself with their personal lives... And that's where the "girl's" come in...

When a girl is just a girl to me, that is when I wonder what they are doing or what they are thinking about or who they are with... But when they are just my friends then none of that matters.. So, a more truthful title to this blog would be, "I hate it when I get emotionally attached to someone I do not know very well because no matter what the relationship title is/was, it still hurts when it is over, but friendships are much more rewarding then short lived emotional attachments...

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

God in the driver's seat...

I have to go to work soon, but I've been thinking a lot lately... I guess you can say I'm a thinker, I'm usually always thinking about something. Lately I've been thinking a lot about my future... Like where my current job would take me, but more short term, can I make it in my current job?? And then I think about where I see myself in a couple of years... But then I ask myself if I would be content if I found myself in the same position that I am in right now... Single, in a job that I don't like, hanging out with friends and swing dancing... I've met a lot of people swing dancing and a number of the guys I've met are just where I am, they seem very sociable, they are good dancers and they are very single... Its the very single part that worries me. But then I have to ask myself, why am I worrying? Does God love me? And doesn't He have a plan for me?? If I have him do I really need anything else. Well, the answer is both yes and no. I need friendships and I need Christian friends, without them I would be lonely even with God in my life.. I am learning patience. I have always thought of myself as a patient person but it is even harder to be patient when you think you know what you want and you can't get it. I don't know that I know exactly what I want, but God has been showing me that when I think I want something its not always what I need. Why can't I be content with what I have? I am content with my friends, I am content with my living arrangements, I love my family, and I really enjoy living in MN... I don't know where this is going... I don't know where my life is going... I am still learning who I am... And who I am going to be... Or what I am going to be... I guess I just need to sit back and enjoy the ride, with God in the drivers seat...

Monday, March 23, 2009

What do you dream about??

My dreams have been kinda weird lately. Thankfully they haven't all been about collecting money, my current job, but they've been about off the wall things. Believe it or not I have a lot of military related dreams.. Go figure, but lately my ex girl friends have been visiting me in my dreams. And then when I wake up I lay in bed and pray and talk to God.. Now wouldn't it be awesome if I dreamt about God or if Jesus visited me in my dreams?? Oh, I have to go to work, I was thinking I started at ten but I actually start at 9:30... and its 9 right now.. But yeah, I want to dream about God, I need Him in my life.. Just imagine what it would be like to dream about God all the time instead of collections, or the military or even girls... Gotta Go,
Bye

Friday, March 20, 2009

To God be the Glory.

God is so good, God is so good, God is so good he is good to me.. I do not give him enough credit, he deserves it all because without Him my life would be so depressing. When I need comfort I pray to Him and he comforts me, when I lay awake and night scared, I pray to him and He relaxes me - the next thing I know it is morning and I slept fine. When I don't know where my life is going I lay it all down to Him and He tells me that my life is right on track.. I try so hard at the things that I do but I think that's more of the man He made me to be then me trying to do things my own way. I will always try hard because that's what I do but where God comes in is giving me contentment in the outcome. I may try extremely hard at something and then fail but I can be okay with the failure because I know that what ever the trial was, God allowed it to happen to me to draw me closer to Him. When things are going well I am thankful, I thank God for what he has given me and go on with my life, but I don't cling to Him like I do when I'm going through a painful situation. God understands me when other don't. My closest friends don't understand me... I think SS understands me pretty well but we don't talk about it much. I was talking to my sis a while back and I was joking about how people don't "get" me and she said that that probably wasn't a very good thing. I have to agree with her, it isn't a good thing because when people don't understand you you tend to get lonely. Well, maybe not lonely, I don't know what word would describe the feeling maybe lost or alone, they are all similar feelings but different in their own ways... Princess is pretty good at reading my emotions. Well, it could be intuition or she just gets lucky. For some reason she knows just when to ask how I'm doing and I usually tell her I'm doing okay but sometimes I go into detail. But when she asks she is actively listening and when she asks she's not just talking about how I am doing emotionally but also "what God is doing in my life.." Or maybe she is the only person who asks how I am doing and really means it. Coming to that realization just made me cry.. Yeah, thanks dude, you mean so much to me. To my other friends defense, they ask me how I'm doing but it usually comes across in more of a casual "guy" sort of way, like "What's up, how you doin'?" So it is probably very genuine but doesn't come across like that. I think the timing has something to do with it, Princess asks at the right time when no one else is around or when its just the three of us. But on the same note, I don't ask my friends how they are doing, not like Princess does... Or maybe I already kinda know what is going on in their lives so instead of asking how they are doing I instead ask probing questions to see if they will expound.. I don't know, I'll have to ask how they are doing more and what God is doing in their lives. That is where fellowship and soal bonding seems to really make a difference. Well this is much longer then I planned on it being..

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Nice Guys Finish Last

I went for a run this morning.. I like running it helps me focus on things that are unrelated to my every day life. Well, that's not true, I helps me focus on running and only running, that way I'm not thinking about work, friends, girls, girlfriends, money, cars, snowmobiles.. What I missing? I don't think about God enough.. On Tuesday night I asked my friends to try to remember to pray for me while I was at work and yesterday was an okay day. I am getting better at my job, it just takes so much out of me. I'm actually too nice on the phone, I'm in collections... No one is going to pay anything if their debtors agree that they don't have any money and that there is no way to pay back the money that they spent when it wasn't theirs in the first place.. Did I mention I think about girls and friendships a bit? Well, I've noticed a common denominator in both work and friendships, its a well known fact that nice guys finish last.. You know what? In friendships I'm fine with finishing last, because its not about me, it about my friends and their happiness. In the military that's called selfless service, putting others before yourself. Well, I will willingly do that, I'll put my friends and their happiness before my own. But the best part of my true friends is that they are willing to do the same for me.. There are other things that come up, hard situations and stuff like that that they have to go through but in the end we are there for each other. So in my friendships I am there for them, not to make myself happy. Work is another thing.
If I always finish last in work I will never be successful (in the business world) but if I got into some type of service industry I may excel. God has not opened those doors yet, though. I was paging through my Bible and I came to James. This doesn't really apply to what I have been bloging about but chapter 4 talks about submitting yourself to God. When we try to make plans and do things we are a "mist that appears for a short while." I do not know what will happen tomorrow and I don't know if I even have plans for the weekend. But this passage is not saying to not live with excitement or to not look forward to things but rather to live say, "if the Lord wills it I will do this or that." If the Lord wills it that I find a girl who will love me as much as I will love her, it will happen. If the Lord wills it I will become successful at my job and enjoy it. If the Lord wills it I will be able to make ends meet and be finacially stable.. If the Lord wills it I will help bring the lost back to him.. But if the Lord does not will any of those things, the things that I think that I want.. Then I need to focus on Him, love Him, and grow closer to Him.. If the Lord wills it, it will come to pass.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Why do I do what I do not want to do??

I played soccer for Crown College in the fall of 2007, I really enjoyed having the opportunity to play, but I was not in very good shape so I spent most of that year sitting on the bench.. Well there was this kid who played the same position as I did and we would switch off during the game. Well, in the beginning of the year he started a fast, I think we was fasting for four days or something like that. Well, I supported him and his fast but I was curious of why he chose to do it during the soccer season. I asked him why he was fasting and he said that he was fasting because he was sinning, but I misunderstood him thinking that he was fasting because he was sitting... I was like, "well, maybe coach wants to give someone else a shot at playing..." Wow, how clueless I was.. But it was funny. I don't know how God led this guy or if he was able to give him more direction in his life but I think we all wonder what we fall into sin so easily..

Paul was going through the same debate with himself and God in Romans chapter 7. In Romans 7:14-20 Paul wrote, "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do no do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." I believe Paul came to the same conclusion my team mate probably did. Its our sinful desire that leads us to sin, its all our humanly body has ever know.

I don't want to be so sinful, but I always fall back into sin. Catholic priests probably thought that they would be fine once they became Bishops or some higher position but we all know that even priests are bound by sin. Paul talked a lot about grace and praise God for being a gracious God, I feel bad everything I fall back into sin but I know that He accepts me for all my short comings.. However, I still try to do things by myself, I find myself not even willing to look to Him for my strength, I end up thinking to myself that if only I try harder I will be successful. Or if I try harder these people will like me. Or if I have this possession in my life I will feel more successful. Well, when all my trying gets me no where and I'm out there wearing myself out, the only time I will find peace or comfort is when I turn all my troubles over to him. Only then will I feel complete or completely loved!! I just started thinking about these things when I read a friend's status, way to go G.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Travis, you are "trying" to hard again...

Just read a friends post, she is such a great woman of God and I am honored for her to call me her friend! I was talking with a female friend last week about this other gal, (I see a reoccurring theme of all these girls in my life) she had made the comment that I should not "try" so hard to be someone's friend. I think her comment was just that, a comment. But I am pretty sure there was some kind of truth to it..
Looking back on my life the only thing that I've been naturally good at was trying. The only way that I have ever been good at anything was to try really hard. When I work I try to take what I learn in training and apply it, and try (work) real hard. In basketball I was tall but very uncoordinated so I had to try really hard to do anything. In soccer I had to work really hard, I was not skilled and I could not kick the ball very far but I made up for it in hustle.. In school the only way I got good grades was to study really hard, I wasn't one of those kids who could learn really fast and not study, things went in one ear and out the other, I had to try really hard...
About eight or nine months ago Heidi told me to stop trying so hard to pursue girls or be their friends.. She said that if I was myself and didn't try to go after girls then pretty soon they would be calling me to do stuff with them. I thought that she was just saying that to annoy me, but as I trusted more and more in God and was willing to be on his time line, I was trying less and less to pursue girls and was just being myself. Granted, I drove my car a lot to get to places where these "friends" were but I enjoyed helping them and their friends and family.. And now D&D are like a second family to me, or something like that..
Are girls calling me to hang out? Actually they kinda are. But I'm falling back into my old patterns. I'm starting to "try" too hard again. Even making myself available can come across as trying too hard.. If there were to be a girl I was interested in, I would want to not "try" to hang out with her too much, because if something ever came up that she couldn't do it I would have been "expecting" to hang out with her. "Travis, Travis, you are trying too hard again. And in doing that you are pushing them away..." I can just see Heidi telling me. Anyway, I was reading in Philippians 4 yesterday, Paul was talking about some things and he said, "...I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation...I can do everything through him who gives me strength.." One of my problems as a human is to try to do things on my own. When I am so totally focused on Him, I 'm on the straight and narrow.. But then I'm like, "Thanks God for getting me through that really sucky part of my life, now I'm G2G!" And then I try to do it by myself. I try to meet people and chill with them and I don't even include God in it. But he is there, watching and waiting..
But these past couple weeks have been good, I've re focused my priorities and realized the things the I really need in life. I need God and I need food, or something like that.. But without the bread of life my life is dead and lonely.. But when I have him I can be content with what I have. Its the content part that can be somewhat challenging because if I lose focus on God then I start "trying" to do it myself... Pray for me.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

If you really knew me,

Do you know me? Who really knows me? I would have to say that my sister really knows me and so does my brother in law. My sister knows more things about me then I want her to know. She knows my bad habits and she knows what my mannerisms are. My brother-in-law knows what makes me tick but we don't talk about it. H (sister), can really be in my face about things. She can be like, Trav, why are you doing that. Or Trav, you need to do this. But the most annoying thing that she does is ask me questions that she knows the answer to. But she usually doesn't do that very often, she knows that I would rather talk about it then have someone ask me questions about a subject that isn't be talked about. Confusing, I know... But I love her. My best freind, Grover, says that he knows me, but does he really know me or understand me? I think he understands me because he understands what I like and don't like but to really know a person takes active listening, it takes time and effort, its different. Princess doesn't even know me?? What? Well, I figured it out, its because of that time and effort involved... Those of you close to the "inner circle" would understand.. But its cool, its something we can talk about now... I'm hearing things now that I never knew but are making everything make sense now.. Good times.
When I say, do you really know me I think of what Jesus said to his followers. If you really knew me you'd know my Father as well. If we are Christians can people see Jesus in us? I think sometimes we lose focus and become like our non-Chrstian friends. What I mean by that is someone who doesn't know us won't be able to tell us apart from non-Christians. Should they really be able to tell a difference though? Should we do things different from other people? We are already saved... People who are very legalistic place restrictions on themselves that distinguish them from non-Christians. I call it legalistic but maybe it would have been more accurate to call them "religious." I don't necessarily have religion but I do have God and I do have a relationship with Jesus. Knowing someone comes down to what type of relationship you have with them. I am best friends with Grover and Princess but our relationships are very different. I tell Grover everything that goes on in my life, who I like, who I don't like, what I want to do for the next six months, what I did today, if he wants to hang out, ect, ect... I basically just call him to chat as good friends do. My relationship with Princess if much different. We rarely talk on the phone just to talk and if we do its me calling her. She called to wish me a happy birthday and I was like, "So what's up?" thinking that she had something important to tell me, it wasn't like her to just call me.. So I think knowing someone comes down to what kind of relationship you have with that person and how much time you put into it. The people who know me best are the people I talk to most, my family, Grover and SP, I talk to those guys every day.. Princess and SS can't even touch that type of relationship. Relationships basically just happen. If they don't happen its probably because they are not meant to happen. If you are putting in a ton of time to try to make a relationship happen or work out, then one of the people probably really doesn't want it to work out and you will just end up being hurt in the end... I feel I'm an open book, I say what is on my mind and if you want to know what I'm thinking just ask me...