It has been a while.

Trav here,

Just sitting at my computer after a long day at work. I had Swing Cat's practice, it was good. But I don't know where my career is going or if it will work itself out. I'm in collections, I call people on the phone tell them that they need to pay their bills. Work is fun and exciting when I have money coming in but then it is difficult and tiring when I don't have any money coming in. I don't really like playing this "number's game." Some people do really well at it but I am kinda growing tired of it.. I once thought that all I wanted to do was help people and I am helping people who want to help themselves but there are so many people who think the world owes them something or they are not willing to help themselves.. There are so many people who have that sort of mentality, they think that wealth is their right, like they don't even have to work hard anymore.. I am willing to work hard and I want to work hard but I might be in the wrong field. I am doing this because I have to. Almost everyone has to work to make a living, but so many people blame their problems on the government.. Like the government is supposed to take care of them. I think the government is supposed to protect us, like keep us safe and secure, but I don't think they are supposed to do a whole lot more then that..

Lately I have been seriously considering joining the government on this one, the Army that is. I would be working for the government and the government would be paying me but that would not come without sacrifice... Being in the Army would change a lot about my life, I would lose my freedome. I would lose the freedome to go where I wanted because I would be bound by them 24/7. I would have to move away and I would not see my friends and family as often as most people are free to do.. Sure, I would make new friends and I would have my time off but it would be very different. I would have more responsbilities then most people have to deal with and many things would be controled by the rules and guidlines that are already in place. But I think I would like most of it.. The things that I know I would not be able to do are: spending time with my friends and live are free, spend weekends enjoying the Minnesota weather, and see my family whenever I feel like making the drive..

Why would I join the military? I want a career. The way the economy is right now, I am unable to find a career that I enjoy doing. I want a job where I won't be stuck in the office all the time but at the same time I don't want to be doing manual labor all of the time either.. I think the military will allow that. I want to join the military and be an officer where I will be leading soldiers. In my position I would have people looking up to me for guidence and we would all be on the same team.. There will be risks but I have to decide if the reward will be worth it. There are things that I've always wanted in life, material things, is joining the military to get those materal things really worth it? I enjoy working on cars and working with my hands, but I can't really afford either one of those things where I am working now. So much in this world revolves around money, but that's the way it really has to be... Even if you were to be a monk living in a monestary the monestary is getting money from somewhere.. And everyone needs money to live... I am a very structured person, I believe the structure of the military would work well with me. Its almost like a calling.. I feel at home in the military. I have grown used to living by their rules.. From the time I got out of the National Guard I've kept my watch set to military time almost like its alwasy supposed to be that way.

When I was in the National Guard before I didn't really feel like civilans understood things about me. Like I always wanted them to understand what I did, my job, and the stucture, but I've come to realize that no one really understand that stuff unless they were in the military. I connect well with people who were in the service because they understand where I am coming from. Anyway, I am rambling.

I would give up a lot of things if I went into the military, I would miss my friends and family the most. I would probably miss Robbie the most, I talk to him almost every day. And my friends would probably miss me. That's where the meaning of life comes into play. I was talking with J the other day about heaven and how time doesn't exhist and if it doesn't exhist outside of this world then people who have died have already gone to heaven. So how meaningful is our life here? Just think of all the things you've done in life and how the years have gone by, how you can never get any of those years back... If I joined the military and retired in 17 years, would I look back and say, "Maybe I should have stayed with that job that I didn't like, I could have gotten somewhere..." or will I look back and say, "that was a really good decision, look where God has taken me..." How will you ever know if you don't take that step? I've been praying for guidence and I keep moving forward with this decision, I guess that is a direction, right? My friends know that I've been thinking about this for a while, probably longer then any other big decision I have considered. So far it feels like this is something that I've always wanted but have found ways to put it off. Now with the way things are, me being in debt and not knowing how I'm going to be able me financially make everything work. It could be one of the best decisions of my life. I feel that God has lead me to this because I am content with so many things in my life.. I am content with being single, I am content knowing that God is with me where ever I go, and I am content knowing that my friends and family love me for the man I have become. Having their support is something that I have always wanted but have not really known was there until now. I have needed this year away from the military to find myself and my friendships have made the biggest difference, those friends are Bob, Heidi, Jaron, Leah, Ben, Rae Rae, Matt and Kristy. Each special in their own way and have helped me understand that they truely care for me no matter where life (God) takes me.

What good are Allies if they are not willing to fight??

Am I doing as much as I should or can be doing? Do you ever ask yourself that? A friend of mine posted something on FB, she said that she was feeling the weight of the world on her.. I thought that was an interesting thing to post and wondered what she was going though.. I found out later that she was feeling anxiety about how our "great" country believes that it is okay to take a child's life. What is so great about that? We got into a discussion about this a work about a month ago and one of the Leads had to tell us to stop talking about it.. When is it okay to abort a baby? I once thought that it was okay to abort a baby if the woman was raped but my views have changed. I do not think a baby should ever be aborted, "bastard" children are lives too... There as so many people willing to adopt children these days (or that's what I've been told) there will always be someone to care for and love a child. Anyway, she said that she fasted and prayed about it. What else should we be doing? I do not like our president, he scares me. His policies feel too much like socialism and making everyone equal. The people on the bottom of the social structure want to be at the top and they don't want to have to work to get there... That is what we get from the immediate gratification crowd... I think is should be illegal to abort a child, period. Once you start making acceptions you start playing god.

Anyway, getting back to the discussion about abortions and parents loving their children... Another friend of mine works for a company that cares for children with handicaps, mental and physical, she was telling me about some of her kids who are having their parent's parental rights terminated.. She was talking about how the kids want more then anything to be with their parents even though they were in a really bad sitution. The kids just want to be loved by their parents but heir parents were not even caring for their simplest needs.. The feeling of abandoning my kids (I don't have any kids) absolutely tears my heart apart.. I can not even begin to imagine how parents can just take their kid for granted... Most parents care for their children more then they are for themselves, how does one lose that drive? Selfishness, that's how... I once heard about a family that had a down syndrome child, I think they were very selfish. This couple was a very affluent family and they had many nice things but everything changed when their first child came along... They had all of these dreams for this kid and they were both extremely excited about having a child and then when they realized that they would not be able to do all the things that they had dreamed about, they dropped that kid like a bad habit... They put him up for adoption and walked away.. I am sure the kid was adopted by a family who was willing to love him and accept him for the kid that God made him to be.. At least they did not abort the child but they did care for the child more then them selves..

So I ask myself, am I don't all that I can to fight for what I believe? The answer is no. I could be doing more, I could always be doing more... But my friend also said that she does not want to look back on her life and ask herself what she could have done differently. What will I tell God on judgement day? He asks me what I lived for knowing full well all of the times that I stumbled and all the times that I looked the other way when I could have stood up for what I believed... I need to pray about this. We as humands get into patterns and we tend to do what it easiest. It usually is not easy to stand up for what you believe because sometimes you turn allies into enemies... But what good are allies if they are not willing to fight??

This is something I am going to have to pray and meditate on..

357

Today my land lady/house mate asked me if I talk in my sleep. I admitted that I do.. She said that a few nights ago she heard me like screaming in a soft voice... I knew exactly what she was talking about. I had a bad dream... This wasn't one of those bad colletions dreams that I've been having about work, it was far deeper then that.

Well, deeper and bizarre.. This will make no sense to anyone but it had something to do with the numbers 357 and the fact that I am going to die some day... I've had a dream similar to this before, nothing to do with the numbers but everything to do with the feeling, it was the feeling of death.

What does death feel like... I don't know but in my dream I was dealing with what happens when you die.. Its times like that, where you are faced with something that you know you cannot overcome by yourself, that you realize how out of control you are. What I mean is what little control you have over the outcome. I will die some day and every one else reading this will also die some day. Just think about that, life as we know it will no longer exhist. We are finite beings meaning that our life started and it will end. Some people do not believe in God or eternity, I do not know how they deal with nightmares of dieing or the thought of life ending. My nightmare has a happy ending... I don't know what happened in it but I found myself crying out to God. I cried out to him to save me. I cried out to him to comfort me. I need God more then anything in my life. Crying out to anything else does not comfort me... I like trucks, snowmobiles and swing dancing but crying out to snowmobiles is meaningless, they can not save me. They are not ever present. They did nothing for me.. There are times when I feel lonely but that's because I am focusing on the finite, when I focus on the eternal, I am comforted..

I've been a bad friend (to Jesus)

My last blog talked about friends and meaningful friendships... I have been missing the point, or maybe more importantly, I have been being a poor friend myself. I need to be better friends with Jesus. What makes friendships work? Quality Time and Effort!! I have a friend who I never hear from, at one time I was calling him daily but that's when my job allowed it and we lived closer together. I understand that he has been very busy but when he doesn't make time for his friends or even make an effort to talk to them it makes it hard to stay close friends...

Now if I switch the tables and look at how often I've been "calling on" God or how often I've been talking to Jesus, I am just as bad or worse of a friend. And this friendship is not one of those people that I just talk to once a week, this is our Savior, the one who gave his life for me..

I feel asleep praying two nights ago and last night I feel asleep reading the word. Then this morning I read out of Matthew and Romans.. I need Jesus! Why am I always trying to find fulfillment through other avenues? (girls) Maybe because that is the flesh speaking to me, pulling me in other directions.. There is no excuse, it is just selfish thinking. Yesterday I don't think I prayed at all at work or even talked to Jesus. I need to be thinking of him all the time, please help me Jesus, be with me, lead me, sorry for being such a bad friend and not letting my light shine. I need you more then anything else and I will never be truly happy if I do not have you first in my life. Thank you for everything.

Friends vs. Meaningful Friendships

I went to bed early last night, I fell asleep praying. I was basically praying for direction. I have been corresponding with a friend lately, she is basically in the same place in life as I am. We both feel like our lives are in limbo. Like day after day we are basically just living and working, living and working, living and working... Isn't that what live is all about??

I don't know if this job is going to work out. I had dreams about work again last night... When I have dreams about work I'm usually trying to collect and nothing is working.. Not very restful sleep, because when I wake up I'm already dreading going to work.. Have you ever watched Office Space? My job is not really like that but it kinda makes me laugh. One of the funny lines in that movie goes something like this, "Every day that I go to work it is worse than the last day so every day you see me is pretty much the worst day of my life..." Thankfully I am not to that level of discontentment...

I am thankful for the friends that I have because my friends make me feel loved. I'm a "words of affirmation" type guy so I feel loved when people tell me that then enjoy my company, stuff like that. Well, I have a friend who is always writing on my wall, I feel loved when that happens.. I played disc golf with a couple of my friends, I feel loved when that happens..

What is the different between a meaningful friendship and just having friends? Why do I not have many good friendships with the people that I go swing dancing with? Probably because we never have many meaningful conversations. My friends that I have that I consider good friends all have something in common, we believe in Jesus.. The people I go dancing with (most of them anyway) I have never really had a meaningful conversation with. That's what separates my real friends for my acquaintances.. I think I just feel lonely, but why? Is it because I am lacking faith? It was awesome to fall asleep praying last night!! I need to spend more time with Jesus, lost in prayer. I didn't feel lonely last night once I started focusing on God and not myself..

I need to focus on God, I need to pray continuously, I need to praise His name in all things, I cannot live my life day to day without God..

Me and you (Jesus)

After my last blog I talked to a friend of mine, sometimes its nice to get someone else's opinion. We this dude told me that I should take a break from something in my life. I was like, "okay, I guess I can take a break from swing dancing..." That was not what he was talking about, he was talking about taking a break from girls.. Well, what he meant is that most of my blogs have been about girls, I don't know if that is true, maybe it is. I think they've been more about life and feeling lonely or feeling loved. Like I blogged about my relationship with my dad and I blogged about how in love my friends are with each other, and I think I've blogged a bit about swing dancing.. So there are other things that I've blogged about. Well, since my last blog I've been feeling pretty good about things. My job is going okay and I've been focusing a lot of my attention on that. I've continued to dance and that is going really well for me. And with dancing comes meeting new people. I met a girl last week swing dancing. About all I really got was her name. Then this week I talked to go while laying in bed. I told Him that I thought this girl was pretty special.. He and I kinda just chatted about her. Then I started praying to God asking that she be single and a Christian. Or Christian and single. When all is said and done it is far more important that people are Christians rather then their status.. Another friend of mine and I were chatting earlier this week, she is a Christian and that bond is far more important then the fact that she has a boy friend.. Anyway, I went to a bachelor party yesterday and then went out swing dancing hoping that I would see this special girl... Well, she was there and we were able to dance. She was doing very very well for just starting a couple weeks ago!! Anyway, I did not know how to get the answers to the questions I had and thankfully I was not nervous at all, so I just asked her if she was single and then I asked her if she was a Christian. I don't know if you could say that the answers I got were an answer to prayers but the answers she gave were what I was praying and hoping she would say.. And we found out that we have a mutual friend who I went to Crown with!! Anyway, I do not know if we will ever be anything more then friends but I do hope that we at least get to be better friends... As with everything that has ever happened in my life, it is out of my control, it is in the Lord's hands.
Well, its time for me to head North. I can't wait for this wedding, to God be the glory. I just pray that my friends wedding will be a reflection of their marrage, praising God in everything and looking to him for strength! Praise God!

At a Crossroads

Do you every think what people will think about you after you are gone? Please do not think I am suicidal, I assure you I am not. I am just putting my thoughts onto paper. I do not know why I've been so drained lately. Well, there are probably a couple of reasons... But sometimes I take a step back and look at my life and wonder where it is going. I just found out that girl that I was somewhat interested in, in the last couple of months, is now engaged.. I was not close to her and our relationship did not go any further then one date (sort of) and hanging out a couple of times, but it I would consider it some type of relationship. I liked her, I still like her, she is a very nice girl, and I would still consider her a friend. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Or maybe it is that I'm not doing anything right because the best thing you can be doing is nothing. So if the best thing to do is nothing (just trusting in God), then all this trying that I'm doing is the worst thing to do..

A wise woman once said,
"A word of wisdom to those who are where I was before, longing to BE loved. NEVER SETTLE. You know when you are even if you try to convince yourself you’re not. As hard as it can be at times, LISTEN to that still small voice telling you how you are worth so much more then what could be settled for.
The only way to begin allowing yourself to BE loved and to believe that you are worth more…. BELIEVE that God truly unconditionally loves you no matter what you do or have done…. HE LOVES YOU AMAZINGLY!"

I want to be loved and I could have settled in the past, but I didn't. But I don't always hear that small voice. I need to work of believing that I am worth more. I talk like I have confidence but I have a surprisingly low level of self esteem. My low level of self esteems allows me to feel beaten down when things don't seem to go the way I want them to.. I need God, I need to give Him my problems and I need to look to Him for strength and guidance. He is the ONLY answer to all of my problems.

My God, He comforts me..

This will be short because I have to leave for work really soon.. The times that I think about life the most is when I am in bed. Most of the time it all just comes to me when I'm laying there.. I first think about dying. Every day I get so focused on what I'm doing I do not even realize that everything is temporary.. But then when I am laying in bed I realize that even I am temporary... That's when I first get scared, that is the human side of me. We humans like to believe that we are in control of everything. But laying there in bed I realize that I can not control what happens once I die. The next thing that happens is I realized that I need something much more powerful then myself, I need God. I need God my creator and I need Jesus my savior and friend.. Yes I still feel loneliness and I still long for humanly companionship but when I give all glory to God and cry out to Him, he comforts me. When I give Him praise in those moments, the moments that I need Him more then anything, he puts me to sleep. It happens every time. I lay down, I realize how weak I am, I get scared, I give Him praise, I fall asleep. Well, I did that this morning too. Woke up, realized how weak I was, prayed to God and fell asleep. My God, He comforts me.

Contemplating Life

I deleted my last post, a friend of mine read it and was confused.. I was confused after I read it.. A lot of time when I blog I come to conclusions but with that one I was more confused after I got done with it then I was before I sat down at the computer. Do I always have things figured out? No, I don't. But no one likes to be confused..
I was feeling lonely today... I was walking up the stairs at home thinking, "Is this worth it...? Is life worth it??" Those thoughts seem like something someone would be saying to themselves when contemplating life.. I am not suicidal but sometimes I think it is good to just think about stuff. Like ask yourself if your life is going anywhere.. Maybe most people don't really think about that. I guess if you are goal orientated you are always looking ahead and reaching for something.. But what if you don't really have anything to look forward to? I guess I have things to look forward to like spending time with my friends or going swing dancing.. But you cannot hang out with your friends all the time and you can't swing dance non stop.. I think part of my problem could be how spiritually dead I feel at times.. Like I went all weekend not really thinking about God. I did not talk to Him and I did not praise Him.. And then there are those who don't even believe God exists.. I sometimes wonder how they don't feel lonely. Maybe they just fill themselves with knowledge.. If they know all the answers then they have everything figured out. I guess that goes back to me not knowing all the answers.
This morning I was sitting in my car before going to work. I was sitting there, not really feeling sorry for myself and not really trying to motivate myself, just sitting there thinking about how I was just feeling blagh, like nothingness.. I text-ed my friends, basically just looking for words of encouragement. I have heard that in relationships just knowing that you are loved or knowing that you have the support of someone else accounts for a lot. I know that my friends and family support me but I guess I was just wanting to hear it, a sort of pick me up.. I guess that's just the way I am.. But that's me looking for words of affirmation from other people. Why didn't I pray while I was sitting there in my car? Why didn't I ask God to go with me and why didn't I ask God to show me how much he loves me?? I belive he exists, why didn't I go to him?? Probably because I'm so used to trying to do everything on my own..
I talked to my friends today, that helped. I danced with several girls tonight too, but that didn't do much for my loneliness, I was still lonely on my drive home.. I saw a pretty girl at Cub tonight, I tried not to check her out.. Guys are so visually orientated. Then I was hoping that my wife would be attractive like that. No time line as far as that is concerned. I'm tired..

I Hate Girls but I Love My Friends!!

I usually don't title my blogs until I get to the end because I usually start out on one thought and then move onto something totally different. That might be the case for this blog too but this is something I've been thinking about today and I thought the title would get people interested... Well, a title like that needs some sort of explanation... I only know of a couple of people who read my blog, I don't even know how this whole things works as far as who can see what or what not.. Anyway, those of you who know me, I mean really know me, you know where I've come from and where God is taking me because we've talking about it and you know more things about me then what my blogs talk about. I probably go into more detail on some things and you've probably gotten to know me better through reading my blogs, or you at least know how I reason through things...

So, cutting to the chase, why do I hate girls but love my friends? Well, most people should be able to figure out why someone loves their friends, that's because everyone needs friends.. Just think about how lonely you would be if you did not have anyone to talk to... That's one thing I need, I need people to talk to... Like today when I got off of work I started calling everyone, starting with my closest friends and working outwards.. I called all four of them and no one was there but then I got a call back. And later at night I got another call back.. So my friends came through for me. Some of my closest friends are girls so I don't love some girls who are in my life... I can't really say which of my friends I love more, but I love them all for different reasons, but those reasons are not important. Now to explain the first part of my title. Why do I "hate girls," well let me first start by saying I don't hate anyone and saying that I hate girls in not a truthful statement. I more said it to get you this far, but don't stop reading!! What I really mean is that what I hate about girls is the type of influence they have on guys.. I'll incorporate this into my life so you can better understand where I'm coming from... Okay, flash back to a month and a half ago, I was unemployed and I did not have much going on in my life.. I had just gotten done from going on a ski trip with some of my best friends and I was basically just enjoying life. And then I met this girl that really blew me away. She seemed so friendly and out going, she was a strong Christian, she had an awesome personality, she enjoyed swing dancing and she was really cute... So what does any single guy do in that sort of situation?? Well, he starts liking her..

So you take this guy who was just minding his own business, living life and having fun, and now there's this new person in his life... Now flash forward like three weeks, this girl is not talking to him like he thought she once was and he does not know what to think. When in reality, she is not really talking to him any less, its more of his perception of the situation. Why does it have to work that way? See how this girl came in with a rush and seemed to go out with a rush just as quickly... That's the part that I "hate" about the whole situation... But I don't regret anything and the best part of this whole deal? Well, this girl is no longer in the "girl" category, she is still a friend and is moving to the other side of the "equation.." This is really the best case scenario, I have no idea what she is doing now and it really does not matter, what matters is that she is happy and that she still wants to be my friend. So, her status is very similar to that of my other true friends.. When I talk to my friends at night I am not asking them where they are, what they are doing or who they are with, it does not change their status with me, they are still my friends no matter what they are doing with their lives.. Sure, I get annoyed with them or miss them or call them when I need someone to talk to, but I am still not really concerning myself with their personal lives... And that's where the "girl's" come in...

When a girl is just a girl to me, that is when I wonder what they are doing or what they are thinking about or who they are with... But when they are just my friends then none of that matters.. So, a more truthful title to this blog would be, "I hate it when I get emotionally attached to someone I do not know very well because no matter what the relationship title is/was, it still hurts when it is over, but friendships are much more rewarding then short lived emotional attachments...

God in the driver's seat...

I have to go to work soon, but I've been thinking a lot lately... I guess you can say I'm a thinker, I'm usually always thinking about something. Lately I've been thinking a lot about my future... Like where my current job would take me, but more short term, can I make it in my current job?? And then I think about where I see myself in a couple of years... But then I ask myself if I would be content if I found myself in the same position that I am in right now... Single, in a job that I don't like, hanging out with friends and swing dancing... I've met a lot of people swing dancing and a number of the guys I've met are just where I am, they seem very sociable, they are good dancers and they are very single... Its the very single part that worries me. But then I have to ask myself, why am I worrying? Does God love me? And doesn't He have a plan for me?? If I have him do I really need anything else. Well, the answer is both yes and no. I need friendships and I need Christian friends, without them I would be lonely even with God in my life.. I am learning patience. I have always thought of myself as a patient person but it is even harder to be patient when you think you know what you want and you can't get it. I don't know that I know exactly what I want, but God has been showing me that when I think I want something its not always what I need. Why can't I be content with what I have? I am content with my friends, I am content with my living arrangements, I love my family, and I really enjoy living in MN... I don't know where this is going... I don't know where my life is going... I am still learning who I am... And who I am going to be... Or what I am going to be... I guess I just need to sit back and enjoy the ride, with God in the drivers seat...

What do you dream about??

My dreams have been kinda weird lately. Thankfully they haven't all been about collecting money, my current job, but they've been about off the wall things. Believe it or not I have a lot of military related dreams.. Go figure, but lately my ex girl friends have been visiting me in my dreams. And then when I wake up I lay in bed and pray and talk to God.. Now wouldn't it be awesome if I dreamt about God or if Jesus visited me in my dreams?? Oh, I have to go to work, I was thinking I started at ten but I actually start at 9:30... and its 9 right now.. But yeah, I want to dream about God, I need Him in my life.. Just imagine what it would be like to dream about God all the time instead of collections, or the military or even girls... Gotta Go,
Bye

To God be the Glory.

God is so good, God is so good, God is so good he is good to me.. I do not give him enough credit, he deserves it all because without Him my life would be so depressing. When I need comfort I pray to Him and he comforts me, when I lay awake and night scared, I pray to him and He relaxes me - the next thing I know it is morning and I slept fine. When I don't know where my life is going I lay it all down to Him and He tells me that my life is right on track.. I try so hard at the things that I do but I think that's more of the man He made me to be then me trying to do things my own way. I will always try hard because that's what I do but where God comes in is giving me contentment in the outcome. I may try extremely hard at something and then fail but I can be okay with the failure because I know that what ever the trial was, God allowed it to happen to me to draw me closer to Him. When things are going well I am thankful, I thank God for what he has given me and go on with my life, but I don't cling to Him like I do when I'm going through a painful situation. God understands me when other don't. My closest friends don't understand me... I think SS understands me pretty well but we don't talk about it much. I was talking to my sis a while back and I was joking about how people don't "get" me and she said that that probably wasn't a very good thing. I have to agree with her, it isn't a good thing because when people don't understand you you tend to get lonely. Well, maybe not lonely, I don't know what word would describe the feeling maybe lost or alone, they are all similar feelings but different in their own ways... Princess is pretty good at reading my emotions. Well, it could be intuition or she just gets lucky. For some reason she knows just when to ask how I'm doing and I usually tell her I'm doing okay but sometimes I go into detail. But when she asks she is actively listening and when she asks she's not just talking about how I am doing emotionally but also "what God is doing in my life.." Or maybe she is the only person who asks how I am doing and really means it. Coming to that realization just made me cry.. Yeah, thanks dude, you mean so much to me. To my other friends defense, they ask me how I'm doing but it usually comes across in more of a casual "guy" sort of way, like "What's up, how you doin'?" So it is probably very genuine but doesn't come across like that. I think the timing has something to do with it, Princess asks at the right time when no one else is around or when its just the three of us. But on the same note, I don't ask my friends how they are doing, not like Princess does... Or maybe I already kinda know what is going on in their lives so instead of asking how they are doing I instead ask probing questions to see if they will expound.. I don't know, I'll have to ask how they are doing more and what God is doing in their lives. That is where fellowship and soal bonding seems to really make a difference. Well this is much longer then I planned on it being..

Nice Guys Finish Last

I went for a run this morning.. I like running it helps me focus on things that are unrelated to my every day life. Well, that's not true, I helps me focus on running and only running, that way I'm not thinking about work, friends, girls, girlfriends, money, cars, snowmobiles.. What I missing? I don't think about God enough.. On Tuesday night I asked my friends to try to remember to pray for me while I was at work and yesterday was an okay day. I am getting better at my job, it just takes so much out of me. I'm actually too nice on the phone, I'm in collections... No one is going to pay anything if their debtors agree that they don't have any money and that there is no way to pay back the money that they spent when it wasn't theirs in the first place.. Did I mention I think about girls and friendships a bit? Well, I've noticed a common denominator in both work and friendships, its a well known fact that nice guys finish last.. You know what? In friendships I'm fine with finishing last, because its not about me, it about my friends and their happiness. In the military that's called selfless service, putting others before yourself. Well, I will willingly do that, I'll put my friends and their happiness before my own. But the best part of my true friends is that they are willing to do the same for me.. There are other things that come up, hard situations and stuff like that that they have to go through but in the end we are there for each other. So in my friendships I am there for them, not to make myself happy. Work is another thing.
If I always finish last in work I will never be successful (in the business world) but if I got into some type of service industry I may excel. God has not opened those doors yet, though. I was paging through my Bible and I came to James. This doesn't really apply to what I have been bloging about but chapter 4 talks about submitting yourself to God. When we try to make plans and do things we are a "mist that appears for a short while." I do not know what will happen tomorrow and I don't know if I even have plans for the weekend. But this passage is not saying to not live with excitement or to not look forward to things but rather to live say, "if the Lord wills it I will do this or that." If the Lord wills it that I find a girl who will love me as much as I will love her, it will happen. If the Lord wills it I will become successful at my job and enjoy it. If the Lord wills it I will be able to make ends meet and be finacially stable.. If the Lord wills it I will help bring the lost back to him.. But if the Lord does not will any of those things, the things that I think that I want.. Then I need to focus on Him, love Him, and grow closer to Him.. If the Lord wills it, it will come to pass.

Why do I do what I do not want to do??

I played soccer for Crown College in the fall of 2007, I really enjoyed having the opportunity to play, but I was not in very good shape so I spent most of that year sitting on the bench.. Well there was this kid who played the same position as I did and we would switch off during the game. Well, in the beginning of the year he started a fast, I think we was fasting for four days or something like that. Well, I supported him and his fast but I was curious of why he chose to do it during the soccer season. I asked him why he was fasting and he said that he was fasting because he was sinning, but I misunderstood him thinking that he was fasting because he was sitting... I was like, "well, maybe coach wants to give someone else a shot at playing..." Wow, how clueless I was.. But it was funny. I don't know how God led this guy or if he was able to give him more direction in his life but I think we all wonder what we fall into sin so easily..

Paul was going through the same debate with himself and God in Romans chapter 7. In Romans 7:14-20 Paul wrote, "We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do no do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do - this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it." I believe Paul came to the same conclusion my team mate probably did. Its our sinful desire that leads us to sin, its all our humanly body has ever know.

I don't want to be so sinful, but I always fall back into sin. Catholic priests probably thought that they would be fine once they became Bishops or some higher position but we all know that even priests are bound by sin. Paul talked a lot about grace and praise God for being a gracious God, I feel bad everything I fall back into sin but I know that He accepts me for all my short comings.. However, I still try to do things by myself, I find myself not even willing to look to Him for my strength, I end up thinking to myself that if only I try harder I will be successful. Or if I try harder these people will like me. Or if I have this possession in my life I will feel more successful. Well, when all my trying gets me no where and I'm out there wearing myself out, the only time I will find peace or comfort is when I turn all my troubles over to him. Only then will I feel complete or completely loved!! I just started thinking about these things when I read a friend's status, way to go G.

Travis, you are "trying" to hard again...

Just read a friends post, she is such a great woman of God and I am honored for her to call me her friend! I was talking with a female friend last week about this other gal, (I see a reoccurring theme of all these girls in my life) she had made the comment that I should not "try" so hard to be someone's friend. I think her comment was just that, a comment. But I am pretty sure there was some kind of truth to it..
Looking back on my life the only thing that I've been naturally good at was trying. The only way that I have ever been good at anything was to try really hard. When I work I try to take what I learn in training and apply it, and try (work) real hard. In basketball I was tall but very uncoordinated so I had to try really hard to do anything. In soccer I had to work really hard, I was not skilled and I could not kick the ball very far but I made up for it in hustle.. In school the only way I got good grades was to study really hard, I wasn't one of those kids who could learn really fast and not study, things went in one ear and out the other, I had to try really hard...
About eight or nine months ago Heidi told me to stop trying so hard to pursue girls or be their friends.. She said that if I was myself and didn't try to go after girls then pretty soon they would be calling me to do stuff with them. I thought that she was just saying that to annoy me, but as I trusted more and more in God and was willing to be on his time line, I was trying less and less to pursue girls and was just being myself. Granted, I drove my car a lot to get to places where these "friends" were but I enjoyed helping them and their friends and family.. And now D&D are like a second family to me, or something like that..
Are girls calling me to hang out? Actually they kinda are. But I'm falling back into my old patterns. I'm starting to "try" too hard again. Even making myself available can come across as trying too hard.. If there were to be a girl I was interested in, I would want to not "try" to hang out with her too much, because if something ever came up that she couldn't do it I would have been "expecting" to hang out with her. "Travis, Travis, you are trying too hard again. And in doing that you are pushing them away..." I can just see Heidi telling me. Anyway, I was reading in Philippians 4 yesterday, Paul was talking about some things and he said, "...I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation...I can do everything through him who gives me strength.." One of my problems as a human is to try to do things on my own. When I am so totally focused on Him, I 'm on the straight and narrow.. But then I'm like, "Thanks God for getting me through that really sucky part of my life, now I'm G2G!" And then I try to do it by myself. I try to meet people and chill with them and I don't even include God in it. But he is there, watching and waiting..
But these past couple weeks have been good, I've re focused my priorities and realized the things the I really need in life. I need God and I need food, or something like that.. But without the bread of life my life is dead and lonely.. But when I have him I can be content with what I have. Its the content part that can be somewhat challenging because if I lose focus on God then I start "trying" to do it myself... Pray for me.

If you really knew me,

Do you know me? Who really knows me? I would have to say that my sister really knows me and so does my brother in law. My sister knows more things about me then I want her to know. She knows my bad habits and she knows what my mannerisms are. My brother-in-law knows what makes me tick but we don't talk about it. H (sister), can really be in my face about things. She can be like, Trav, why are you doing that. Or Trav, you need to do this. But the most annoying thing that she does is ask me questions that she knows the answer to. But she usually doesn't do that very often, she knows that I would rather talk about it then have someone ask me questions about a subject that isn't be talked about. Confusing, I know... But I love her. My best freind, Grover, says that he knows me, but does he really know me or understand me? I think he understands me because he understands what I like and don't like but to really know a person takes active listening, it takes time and effort, its different. Princess doesn't even know me?? What? Well, I figured it out, its because of that time and effort involved... Those of you close to the "inner circle" would understand.. But its cool, its something we can talk about now... I'm hearing things now that I never knew but are making everything make sense now.. Good times.
When I say, do you really know me I think of what Jesus said to his followers. If you really knew me you'd know my Father as well. If we are Christians can people see Jesus in us? I think sometimes we lose focus and become like our non-Chrstian friends. What I mean by that is someone who doesn't know us won't be able to tell us apart from non-Christians. Should they really be able to tell a difference though? Should we do things different from other people? We are already saved... People who are very legalistic place restrictions on themselves that distinguish them from non-Christians. I call it legalistic but maybe it would have been more accurate to call them "religious." I don't necessarily have religion but I do have God and I do have a relationship with Jesus. Knowing someone comes down to what type of relationship you have with them. I am best friends with Grover and Princess but our relationships are very different. I tell Grover everything that goes on in my life, who I like, who I don't like, what I want to do for the next six months, what I did today, if he wants to hang out, ect, ect... I basically just call him to chat as good friends do. My relationship with Princess if much different. We rarely talk on the phone just to talk and if we do its me calling her. She called to wish me a happy birthday and I was like, "So what's up?" thinking that she had something important to tell me, it wasn't like her to just call me.. So I think knowing someone comes down to what kind of relationship you have with that person and how much time you put into it. The people who know me best are the people I talk to most, my family, Grover and SP, I talk to those guys every day.. Princess and SS can't even touch that type of relationship. Relationships basically just happen. If they don't happen its probably because they are not meant to happen. If you are putting in a ton of time to try to make a relationship happen or work out, then one of the people probably really doesn't want it to work out and you will just end up being hurt in the end... I feel I'm an open book, I say what is on my mind and if you want to know what I'm thinking just ask me...

Anti Acquatiences First

I sit here at my computer wanting to write about something but I don't really know what to say. I guess I can write about my friends and just be thankful for what the Lord has blessed me with. I am so thankful for the friends that I have. I know I've said that before but I just can't get over how meaningful they are to me. I want to be there for them and I know that I am. I just enjoy doing that for them. You have to show that to each person in their own way. For one person if maybe be talking to them to make sure that they get home, while for another person it may be making sure that they are getting enough sleep, you know who you are.. But that's what I'm here for. Some of it consists of self sacrifice while on the other hand its just taking the time to caring for them. I find it easier to care for my guy friends, they have nothing to hide and they seem to appreciate the time you put into it. Every relationship takes time. With girls it is a little different, they seem to have rules or hidden expectations. Girls will tell you that there are not "rules" but there are, there always are rules. The thing is, guys are usually dumb, like we don't always read what is going on. It goes both ways though.

A girl told me that I didn't greet her like I did another girl. There's a rule, greet every girl the same, no matter if you know the girl or not. But then it depends on the girl and her own rules..

Every person is different so you have to do what they call in sales, "mirror matching," give the person what you know they want.. But then if you give the person (girl) what you think she wants you end up leading that person on.. I've done that in the past, I thought that I was giving the girl the type of effection that she wanted but I wasn't willing to go the whole way (because she liked me). I liked her too but not the way that she liked me.. That's where honesty comes in. I used to have two rules to dating, number one: Honesty is the best policy, and number two: communication is the key. That's back when I believed in dating. I am no longer a believer in that sense. If you don't know the girl very well then you probably don't know her well enough to "date" her.

Definitions: What is the definition of dating? Well, according to Merriam-Webster, a date is, "a social engagement between two persons that often has a romantic character." Romance... That's a different topic of discussion but it still relates. I am all for social engagements, that's basically what has given me something to look forward to. I am a human male, so I've always looked forward to social engagements where females would be present, is that such a bad thing? Well, its not a bad thing but one should focus on the building of relationships, not the building of romance. Romance comes with time but when that is the whole reason of your engagement things can become empty very quickly.

I am not anti-dating, I'm anti-dating soley for romantic purposes. Does that makes sense? I once confessed my feelings for a girl and she told me that things would never work out, not exactly what a guy wants to hear... It was at that point that I realized that I had jumped past the whole relationship part and went right for the romance. That's where you have to back up a bit and re-evaluate your reasons for pursing someone. Are you pursing them for romantic reasons or are you pursing them because you care about them and want what is best for them. If you want what is best for them then you should not even include yourself in the picture. That's when they have the choice to include you in the picture.

I used to have this saying, "friends first" when I was dating someone. But that doesn't really work, if you aren't even friends before you start dating then you've skipped right into the romance part of it. So my saying of "friends first" was more like saying "acquatiences first" because that's all you really are after the dating part doesn't work.. I have a bunch of ex girlfriends that are basically just acquatiences. I am not a part of their lifes now because I wasn't really a part of their life before we started our "relationship."

So that brings up an important question, what is a friend? How can you really classify someone as a friend? I have over six hundred "friends" on facebook but how many of them are truely friends?? I can think of a couple of the people that I would consider true friends that I don't talk to anymore, but most of them are just acquatiences. To be a true friend you have to spend time building that friendship. Time, it all seems to come back to time..

I have found that it is best to not expect things of my friends. I do not expect them to call me, they will call me when they want to talk or need something. If all I did was wait for my friends to call I would be waiting for a long time.. Longer for some then for others.. But when I don't expect them to call me, then I have a chance to be excited when that happens! That is one of the things I get the most joy out of, getting a phone call. I remember a time, long before cell phones when I would be at home and the phone would ring, then mom or dad would say, "Travis, its for you." What a job to receive a phone call!! I still get that same type of joy every time my phone rings and I think, "Oh, its for me!!"

Anyway, what have I put into words?

All relationships take time.
Don't "date" unless you really know the person.
If you really know the person then you must be true friends.
Don't expect anything from your friends, just care for them.
I like it when my friends call me.

I guess that's what was on my mind, Happy Valentines Day!!

Earthly Father vs. Heavenly Father

I know I just posted a blog last night but I wanted to talk about something I've talked to my friends about, its my relationship with my dad and how it relates to my relationship to the God the Father. Last week I spent some time at my parents house up in Roseau, it was what I guess I really needed to reassure myself.

What I mean by that is I'm a "words or affirmation" sort of guy so if I am not hearing words of encouragement from people that I hold so dear then my mind begins to question how people really feel. I know that I've talked about my relationship with my dad before and how he told me that he loved me and how that meant so much to me, well it was nice spending time with him for a couple of days. I talk to my dad a couple of times a week and or family is very open but sometimes it seems like we don't talk about anything beyond the day to day things. But spending time with my dad showed me that we could talk about anything, its just that I have to bring it up first.

So when I'm with my dad we are just doing things together and we are just being and doing, we aren't exactly talking about things or sharing our emotions. Well, my relationship with my earthly father is similar to the relationship I share with my Heavenly Father, I'll explain. Like when I'm with my dad we can talk about anything I just have to bring it up, my dad isn't a mind reader, and then when I'm with my Heavenly Father, we can talk about anything, I just have to bring it up. So that is exactly the same there. Also, my dad loves me and he shows me that love by the things that he does. My dad is a "quality time" sort of guy, he is so busy doing everything but he makes time to do things with the people that he really cares about.

Knowing that, I need to be able to accept the way that he shows me love, not the way that I feel I should be loved. I have to understand that when dad takes time out of his busy life to do something with me, that is how he is showing me his love. God, on the other hand, is there waiting for me. He is omnipresent, he has all the time in the world for me, I just have to be able to accept that. If I can learn to feel loved through spending quality time, then I will be able to understand that God truely loves me and is willing to spend eternity with me!!

Who is she?

I just got back from an awesome ski trip that I went on with some of my closest friends. I had an awesome time!! I told one of my friends that I have no idea where I would be without such good friends. I am so thankful for everything that I've been blessed with.

I am truely on God's time because I see things that other people have and am anxious for the time to come that I will have those things. I am not talking about wealth and the things of this world that so many people hold so closely, I am talking about the things that really matter. Sure, I will be thankful when God provides me with a job that I enjoy working, a job that I can give all the glory to Him but still feel fulfilled at the end of the day but that isn't really important in the grand scheme of things. The things that I feel are truely important are my family and the friendships that I share with other people.

The friendship that I am anxious to share is the one that I don't know has started yet. I see my friends, a newly engauged couple, and I am honored to share in their friendship together, but I am also anxious to have that type of frienship myself. In the past I have been in several relationships with girls where I thought that I was in it for the right reasons but now I have seen my friends and I see that they have something together that I have never had. They accept each other. I have thought of myself as an accepting person but now I see it on a whole different level. They are in love. My relationships never got far enough to be considered truely in love.

The friendships that I have shared with people over the past year have shown me what it really is to love someone. It starts by accepting them for who they are. Accepting them for what they have to offer and not longing for them to be someone or something that they are not. Who is that girl? The one who I will accept for who she is? Do I already know her? Whoever she is, I am anxious for the time when we will connect. When we will look into each others eyes and accept each other. But it will be so much more then that (I hope). I see my friends, I see how they are over joyed by the other persons company. They hold each other's heart in their hands but they care for each other more then they care for themselves. That's what the Bible says we ought to do for our mate, but to see it acted out helps make everything seem so much more believable.

I am glad that my past relationships ended as they did. There was one relationship where I could have married the girl but it would have been for all the wrong reasons. I want to marry for all the right reasons. God has shown me so much in the past year, I feel that I understand so much more about him and about myself, then I did before. I praise Him for showing me these things. And I praise Him for bringing me this far. I believe the reason I haven't had this type of relationship with anyone is because I have not been ready. I am still a work in progress.

I get attached to people too easily. My sister tells me that I try too hard. I need to just sit back a watch things as they unfold. Does that mean that I can't talk to people? I don't know what it means? If I'm sitting back and watching things as the unfold then why do I still get so lonley? Is that the devil talking when I start feeling sorry for myself? I guess that's another thing that God is showing me, why do I feel lonley if I still have Jesus? All relationships here on earth are temporary, the only relationship that I have that will never pass away is my relationship with God, he will never leave me and he accepts me for who I am!

Acceptance!! That is another thing that I have begun to come to grasps with!! God accepts me as a sinner and there is nothing I can do to "win" his favor back, I already have it!! I don't need anything in this life more then I need Him!! He is my friend and he is the one I can connect with on a level like no one else. He looks into my eyes and accepts me. He loves me and he has always been there waiting for me to accept Him back! He is the one that I've been waiting for my whole life. He thinks I'm funny and he appreciates my company! His relationship with me can be just like what I am seeing in my friends. I don't have to worry about what I look like when I see Him, he's just happy to see me or listen to me or spend time with me. He is my friend and it has taken me this long to understand that! Thank you God for being the one for me!!

Where do I go now??

God is so good! I quit my first job today. Sure, I've quit working at jobs before only to move on to the next one but today I walked away from one. I was selling products in a 100% commission job and I wasn't selling products, so I wasn't making any money. It was difficult for me to stop working. I thought that I was doing everything right and I was, for the most part.. But I didn't close any deals this week. So I guess you could say that I've been unemployed all week but I've been working for free... But it was a good job, I learned a lot. The things I learned about myself and selling in general with this job are:

I don't like to sell people things that they don't really need.

I have the ability to walk into any store and introduce myself.

Most people you run into are very friendly and easy to talk to. The people who aren't friendly or easy to talk to want to be friendly or easy to talk to but they don't know how to do it.

People take you for granted in you are too friendly.

I look good in a suit.

If I eliminate doubt words like, "Well, Um, Oooh, and Ahh," then people are more apt to listen to what I am actually saying.

Some people just don't have "all the right ingredents to make a pie.

God loves me and all I have to do it focus on him!!

Like I said, I have learned a lot working there! Now I'm off to bigger and better things!! I don't know what I am going to do but I'm in good hands!!

Direction

I am an open book. I cannot hide my emotions. I guess I don't really try to hide my emotions unless I'm crying in a movie.. If the movie is good then I cry almost every time. My eyes tear up every time I watch my favorite "chick flick," a walk to remember.. I don't like it when people notice, especially girls. I feel vulnerable when someone notices and then I feel embarassed when they say something.

Not only do my emotions show through, I usually speak what is on my mind. I guess that's both good and bad, but that's why I guess I tell people that I appreciate them, stuff like that. But its good because then there usually isn't much confusion about what I am thinking or what I'm going through.

Right now I'm "going through" my options with my job. I mislead a potential customer on friday and it has really shaken me up. I hate misleading someone, I break their trust for me and that is the worst think I could do.. I feel so bad, I think I am going to apologize to her, it just isn't right, I gave into pressures. It is really effecting my motivation about this job and it has even given me nightmares...

Like I said, I'm an open book, but it is interesting when people notice that I'm not who I usually am. I was tired and sort of out of it the other night and one of my friends noticed. Actually a couple of my friends noticed. I need to think of code names for my friends (to protect their true identities yet still keep it interesting). Well, my friend Grover came over, he told me that he noticed that I wasn't the same. I guess I kinda just took it in stride saying, "yeah, I talked to a lady the other day and it bothered me, plus I haven't been making much money." He seemed to understand. But when I guy tells another guy something like that I guess you don't really talk about it too much.. I guess it kinda surprised me that he noticed. Anyway, we hung out, talk about guy stuff like girls, faith, religion, friends, and life. After we were done worknig on my car Grover and I went snowmobiling, we had a really good time.

I talked to another one of my friends this afternoon and she also commented that it seemed like something wasn't quite right. We'll call her Princess. Well, she also noticed that I didn't seem myself. Its kinda wierd when people say that but at the same time you don't really realize that people pick up on things like that. Well, we talked about it and the only advice that either one of us could really come to was asking God for comfort and direction. Our God is an awesome God! I guess I'm really just considering if this is where God wants me to be...

I have a couple of other friends, I'll think of their code names, some peole coud probably guess who each one is and if that is a problem just let me kow and from here on out I can just go back to calling them "he" and "she." Well, so far I have Grover, SP and Princess but I don't know about the last one... Well, we'll call her SS for Super Supportive. SS is one of the coolest girls I know. This got me into swing dancing and there have been many a Thursdays where all I wanted to do was dance with her because I knew that she would enjoy it. Not only would she enjoy it but she would be super encouraging and supportive!

I love my friends so much, when I get lonley I call them and they cheer me up. When I have a problem I talk to them and I am set at ease. When God is teaching me something I tell them and they encourage me. When I hang out with them I have a really good time!! I thank God all the time for the friends that he has blessed me with!

Attitude Ajustment...

I went out with a different trainer for work today, it was a good experience.. The girl I went out with was very driven and was very sure of herself, she helped me see that I had to be both of those things. I need to be more confident. I talked to a friend of mine tonight and he agreed that my attitude was not very good. It came as a shock to me and as an eye opener because I usually thought that I had an optimistic outlook on life but that wasn't the case. I made a comment, "we'll see how long we last in here..." That is the attitude of someone who has already failed because he has basically already given up. I'll admit, I haven't always had the best self confidence but that too has to change if I expect/am ever to succeed at this job. I need to succeed for a number of reasons:

1. I need to move out of my sister's house while I am still on good terms.
2. I really enjoy this job eventhough it has challenged me more then anything else in my life.
3. I want to be finically secure enough to do things that I enjoy doing.
4. I do not want to quit or be fired from this job.
5. I am running out of money (that actually happened a while ago..)
6. I believe that God gave me this job and I want to suceed.

I have to walk into every business knowing that I am helping them run more efficently and by doing that they will be benifiting from the services that I am providing them. I will still consult them on the best decisions that they could be making. And I need to understand that I can't help everyone, I can only help those who are wiling to help themselves.

I went swing dancing tonight, I could tell that it had been a long time because I ran out of moves.. But the girls I danced with seemed to enjoy dancing with me. I want to believe that they liked dancing with me because they like me, not just because I was wearing a nice suit and tie! I am going to spend some time with God as I am preparing to go to bed.

I felt like crying.

Yesterday was not my best day. I had some things lined up from Tuesday and I was planning to close a couple of deals.. Well, they all fell through. One man decided that it wouldn't work out to spend a little more money and increase his efficiency by five times. Five times more for only three dollars, plus he would be getting a discount that would off set the three dollars more.. Another company basically just hung up the phone. I know me writing this is boring to you readers but setting these things up takes at least an hour and having them thrown out the window really stinks. I was encouraged to talk to a couple business owners who were very friendly but in the end of the day I was feeling sorry for myself. I actually felt like crying. I started asking myself why it isn't working. Why am I not closing deals? Am I being too friendly? The people at work tell me that I'm not assuming the sale. I don't want to be pushy, I could have had two sales yesterday but if I was pushy I am pretty sure that both customers would have said "no" and told me to leave and never come back..

On my drive home I called a close friend, he helped me feel better. Is really wasn't anything he said, just talking to him helped me feel better. I told him flat out that I needed some encouragement. I little encouragement goes a long ways with me.. We talked about him and a job that he applied for, stuff like that. Not talking about me and my problems was a good thing..

I was talking with Jesus this morning. I had to apoligize to him, when I was in my darkest hour yeterday I didn't even tell him about it. If I had only prayed for strength, I know I would have gotten it. If only I had told him that I needed encouragement, I know he would have given it to me on the spot. I really need to work our friendship/relationship. Jesus is there, just waiting for me to call on him. Why am I so focused on the here and now when I'm at work and then I think about Jesus when I go home and lay in my bed. I find that when I am dwelling on Him I am not as tired or broken. I guess it is good to at least understand this part of our relationship, that way I know what I can work on. Why does living by faith seem so different? I need to be living by faith every day. I'll be honest and say that I don't always think about God, but when I make changes and am always dwelling on Him, what an awesome life I will have! I'm sure that I'll still have those days were I will feel like crying out of joy or out of sorrow, but I will be with Him and that is exactly where I want/have to be.

One day at a time, one sale at a time...

Well, I landed another sale today. I'm not rolling in money or anything, actually I haven't been paid yet... Anyway, I try not to think about it. This kinda reminds me of how my parents were living for a long time, my dad's company wasn't making any money so my parents were basically living on faith and going into debt.. But through it all their faith was seriously strengthened.. Who's to say that you're making poor decisions if you truely believe that you are where you believe God wants you? I do not really know if I am were God wants me to be in life but I believe that he is in control.

I guess you could say that lately I've been living on faith and credit. Faith on the spiritual side of things and credit on the "worldly" side of things. Where else would you rather be? I want to follow God and I want to be where God wants me to be... Does that make sense? Well, I guess I will go where ever God is leading me. I don't know why I took this job, but everything seemed to fall into place. I am not a quitter and I am thankful that God has allowed me to learn and succeed. Well, I've been succeeding a little bit at a time. I also praise God for the good attitude that He has given me. Sometimes I have a low self esteem but I think almost everyone has bouts with those types of feelings.. I guess being optimistic helps somewhat too..

Oh, something that I was really thankful for today and praised God in. Well, there was that plane that crash landed in the Hudson River in New York, well that pilot was probably the best person in the world to be flying that plane! Okay, I don't know if he was the best but I believe God put him there for a reason and God deserves credit for that. Praise God for the little things and the things that other people call coincidence..

I've been reading a book lately that has been talking about the intimate relationship that God wants to have with us. I've had difficulties understanding what that relationship looks like or feels like. I want that close relationship and I know that books written by authors don't compare to the Word of God but sometimes they explain things better. I am anxious to see where my relationship goes with God, its not something that always happens over night but I want him to be real to me, not a distant or passing thought. That's just where I am right now, "Learing to Live."

Broomball was Awesome!!

My landlords had a broomball party on Saturday, it was a ton of fun!! Now I am recovering but it was all worth it. It was actually more fun then I thought it would be because some of my closest friends had other things going on. Most of them were out of state though so I can't expect them to make the drive just for a game.. We played for close to three hours, what a workout!!

I chatted with a close friend tonight, we talked for over an hour. He's awesome, its good to be able to confide in someone and be able to trust them. I give trust willingly, maybe that's part of the reason I'm so gullable. I want to believe people when they tell me something, but people are usually pulling my leg. I guess that's a personality flaw of mine, I joke around with people a bunch but then I don't know when they are serious or just kidding around.. Whatever though, I don't really care. Anyway, it is such a blessing to have friends who want to talk. Do I blogg about my friends too much? I hope not. I guess I talk about what is important to me..

I went ice fishing today with some other friends, guy time is nice, you can be yourself and do guy stuff. I'm myself with my other friends, I think I blogged about that, what does it mean to be yourself if you don't really know who you really are? I can be many types of people. Okay, maybe I'm just being dumb... I need to get to bed, enough thinking for tonight.. Praise God for giving us the ability to think and reason!

I made a sale today. I was really proud of myself. My eyes were watering a bit, I wasn't crying, I was just happy and struck with a bit of disbelief. I prayed this morning, not that God would grant me a sale, I simply prayed that God would be with me. What a funny prayer, God is always with us, but I prayed for strength. I am a "people please-er," I try to make everyone e happy but that is not always possible in the sales industry. If you could make everyone you talked to happy then you should probably consider going into politics.. I am not a politician though.. I am learning how to communicate with people, I guess that's what it comes down to. I am anxious to see where this job takes me and see if I really have what it takes.

I hung out with some friends tonight, I had a good time. It is so nice to be able to talk freely about things that you are thinking about, especially when you know that everyone cares about each other. We all have our own struggles and doubts but it is encouraging to know that someone cares about you.

I am looking forward to the weekend, having free time and hanging out with friends.

No one every said that it would be easy.

Hey,
I went to work agian today, determined to talk to people and help them out with their needs. I talked to a lot of people and let them know what their options were but I still walked away empty handed. I need to "assume the sale" and I need to be persistent. I was told today that one of the sales guys went three weeks before he landed a deal or became consistent... Knowing that helps me come to grasps with working my area for three days and not making any money. I know that I can do this, I want to do this..

I went to a friend's house tonight, it was cool, probably the best use of my time. I am so fortunate to have friends who care about me. About a year ago I was not in the same situation that I am in now. I was actually really lonely. We are all lonely at one time or another, it happens to the best of us. God has helped me because he is always there, but sometimes you just need someone to talk to or hang out with. If anyone is every lonely I want to know about it. Lonely people need encouragment and quality time with other people, I guess that's where friends come in.. Thanks friends.

One of those days.

Trav, here. I had one of those days that I guess you would put in the "Learning" column.. I'm in sales and in sales of any type, time management has a lot to do with what you get done. There are things that are uncontrollable, called "Uncontrollables," you can't allow yourself to get upset over them. Well, there are times when I am kinda a perfectionist because I want to be the best at whatever I'm doing and I am very critical with myself as far as how I'm performing or what I'm doing with my time. I am starting out at the bottom of the ladder with this job so I can't set my goals too high and get upset with having a bad day. I'm usually pretty optimistic too, so I think its a good mix of both traits. I hope to be successful eventually, but that is hard to do when you dig yourself a hole like I did today. What happened today is I spent over three hours with a customer and walked away empty handed. Like I said, I'm going to chalk this one up as a learning experience.

The rest of my time management was fine though besides that three hour block of time, I ate lunch in the car and when I had to go to the bathroom really really bad I just found a parking lot next to a city park where no one was around and took care of business. What would you think if you saw a dude all dressed up in a nice suit and tie, taking care of business in a vacant parking lot? I'd think, "Wow, that guy is dedicated to his job!" I want to save face with my boss too. He was ready to give me a new T (territory) yesterday but I'm not one to give up, I want to put forth a good effort before I start complaining about things not going my way. Actually, I don't want to complain about anything. If I have a problem then I need to fix it rather then waiting around for someone else to come in and do all the work for me. I was on my own today in my T, when you're on your own you understand that its "showtime," and that's where the "rubber meets the road!" Well, I'm going to "put the pedal to the metal," and "get the heck out of dodge." Okay, that's enough sayings for now.. But yeah, "Attitude is everything." Okay, not everything but if I wanted to feel sorry for myself for only going to 8 businesses when the goal is 50, then I wouldn't be helping anyone!

I just heard from my friends who are vacationing out West, I wish I was there! I need to start up the wheeler and plow the broomball rink tonight, right now its only tweleve below so I should be okay..

Oh, one more thing about today. I prayed to God today, to give me patience (when I was on hold for a long time after getting disconnect three times...) he gave me patience! I used to lay away at night thinking about life, coming to grasps with how short life really is, and what it means to die. I'll admit that sometimes I would get scared, and that's when I would call out to God. I would seriously call out to God in an audiable voice, not just in my head, and you know what would happen? I would fall asleep almost immeadiately. I believe that is God answering my calls because he would comfort me. He would relax me so much that I would just drift off to sleep... God is so good, I can't imagine what my life would be like or what I would be living for without Him.

In the past couple of months I've read a couple of book that have helped me better understand the personality of God. Not just his personality but how personable he is. He is so personable that he yearns to have a relationship with us. Not just the you are God and I am a meaningless no body, He wants for me to know him, personally. Jesus is like my best friend who I can't see. My friends called me today! They called me!! I was so happy because they called me! I'm usually the one who calls so to get a call from them meant a lot more then they will ever know! I feel so loved right now. Now, to relate that go Jesus. He died for me. Are they at all similar? They are similar but what Jesus did is so much more. When I was younger I considered what it would take to give my life for someone I loved. I know we all have self preservation but I think I could do it, especially for someone I loved.. But Jesus did it for me. And now he is still there to be my friend. This is just the way I see it and the way I can best explain it. My relationship so growing with God. I hope it always grows.

In Bible study someone commented that we always talk about the relationship that we will have with God when we go to heaven but there is nothing that says that we can't have that here and now, is there? Well, that concept totally blew me away, like my entire ship left the water! I want that! I want that relationship! I want that sincerity! I want to know Jesus like that! That is difficult to do when just about everything we hear totally contradicts that. But we are not of the world, the world is foreign to us. I am dwelling on Christ, not the world. But even sales is of this world... I need God, I don't need sales. I need God and I need to have that type of companionship type relationship that I've attempted to find here on earth with other humans... I need you God.

What are you made of?

You find out what you are really made of when you get into a difficult situation. I don't really know what I'm made of though, so that's kinda a dumb line.. I went into a business today (as a sales person) and the guy I was supposed to talk to told me flat out, "I'm not interested!" And I said, "oh, okay, thanks for taking the time, good bye..." And then I had to face the music when I got out to the care and told my trainer that I had just left. What I was supposed to say was something like this, "Darren (that was really his name), I totally understand that you are not interested, I just here to make sure you're getting the best prices..." Yeah, didn't even get that far, I just left with my tail tucked between my legs... I keep telling myself, "knowing what I know now, that won't happend again and then it happens.. Why can't I just be naturally good and people say, "I want to buy, don't even pitch me, I just want what you've got!! But then I'd just take it for granted... I want to do well with this job and being that it is commission based, I need to do well before I starve... Well, I need to go to bed, been reading a book that a friend gave me for Christmas, I'm looking forward to it!! TTYL

What is work?

I'm getting ready to go to work again, I don't know why I call it work, I haven't really done anything yet.. I'm still in training, waiting for my badge to come in and for my drug nest to come back negative. But I might be opening my T (territory) today on one of the coldest days of the year. Right now it is -22 degrees outside, or twenty two below, I wish it was just 22 out!! Yeah, so hopefully my car starts... Two of my closest friends are out in Colorado, I wish I was there! I was actually considering moving out there until I met this group of friends. I would be so lonely if I moved out there. I hate being lonley even though sometimes I wish for it. We are never truely alone if we focus on God. I need to get going.

Memories, good and bad.

My sister's inlaws came over tonight and we had some birthday cake. It was a good time. I hope I have cool inlaws some day.

Bob and I went out for a snomobile ride so that was fun. Both the snomobiles ran really well. I enjoy snowmobiling, I grew up riding them. I have so many memories. Do you ever just sit there and think about all the things you've done and all the places you've been? Some people tell me that I have really good memory.
I remember a family trip we went on one time, we drove out to Oregan and visited my aunt and uncle out there. Eden, my aunt, if Filippino, my uncle met her when he was in the Marine Corps. My cousins were fun to play with but they are a lot younger then me. Its interesting, my uncle is the youngest in the family and he has some of the youngest kids.. I guess my parents got started fairly early though. I remember driving out there, we went past miles and miles of barren land. Well, it wasn't barren, feilds had once been there but they weren't being used anymore. That was the summer right before I left for basic training. I remember lying in bed in basic training thinking about all those acres of unused land, there was beauty there. The nothingness was beautiful. I have wondered what it would be like to live there, I don't know what I would do but the loneliness was somewhat comforting, espeically when I was stressed out about basic training. Then I was bitten by a spider and spent two weeks in a medical ward. I had good spirits though, I am usually pretty optimistic even when times are tuff. I remember the guy in the bed across from me, he was tired of the military and tired of being in the hospital. I hope I encouraged him somewhat, I was in worse shape then he was, he just has surgery to remove some cartledge from his knee.

The military.

I remember hearing stories from soliders who came out of "med hold." They were scary stories about soldiers losing their minds from being stuck in Medical Hold as they were supposed to be recovering. I guess they had to work all day and lift heavy objects even though they were supposed to be recovering... These may just be dumb stories or tall tails but I heard stories of soliders thowing buffing machines out windows with the cord wrapped around their neck so that it would break their necks and kill them to put them out of the misery that they were in, or cutting their wrists or ODing on meds. What a sad place to be. Sometimes I wish I could have been there to witness to them or at least encourage them..

I like encouraging people and I like telling them how special they are. Everyone is special. My mom was special but I guess she had medical problems that caused her to take her own life. I don't hear very much about her and you usually don't know much about someone when you are 8 years old. I've been told that I'm a lot like my dad, but I wonder how much I'm like my mom.. What would my mom tell me today if she was here?

What would you tell your loved ones if you knew that you wouldn't be here tomarrow? Do you hold anything back? Do you really tell them how much to love them or care about them? Do you ever tell your closest friends or loved ones how much you appreciate them? I told my sister that I appreciated her, it was probably the first time I had ever told her something like that. Its funny how our family seems to be close but we don't really say anything about it. Communication is really a two way street, but if you are willing to communicate with someone, sometimes they are more willing to communicate back. Today my sister told me that she was annoyed that I didn't shovel the driveway after it had snowed, they were out of town and came back to find that I hadn't really done anything. I am glad that she told me, that's communication. She told me that she was annoyed and now I know to shovel next time. I love my sister, even when she makes me mad. My sister is so driven and caring, and she isn't afraid to tell me things even if she hurts my feelings. I guess that's what sisters are for. I've been hurt but I think she has helped make me stronger. But sometimes she doesn't understand that I hodl her opinion higher then anyone else's. I would take her advise over most people's because she really wants what is best for me and she knows me better than anyone else. I can't imagine life without her...

I read a brother's (fellow Christian) blog, he was talking about his faith. It made me wonder what my own father believes. I know that he is a believer but he doesn't talk about it. I remember growing up, my dad would read something out of a book for us and then we would pray, it was enouraging, but I don't know that I really understood my faith at that time in my life.. We used to have Friday night game nights where we would play games together, I enjoyed it. Uno was banned though because my sister and I would cry when we lost. I guess you could say that I'm somewhat competitive.

Oh the memories.

I have truely been blessed.

I am not a robot.

Yesterday I took a nice long nap and then I stayed up until 2 in the morning. Then when I was checking my email I realized that I could have met some friends of mine for brunch. It would have been a long drive but I can do two hours no problem. If only I hadn't stayed up so late blogging last night. But it feels go to write things down. I know that in the past I wrote letters to people and didn't actually send them, what a sense of relief! I guess blogging is the same thing, but I would be weary to post a letter directly to someone on a blog.. I'm sure that is is done all the time though!

Dreams are kinda crazy. Sometime I feel like I can control what I'm dreaming and other times I have no control overy anything except the ability to force myself to wake up and end the dream. Last night I was dreaming about pitching (trying to sell) to someone. I don't really remember if it worked out, but the nice things about this job is I will be giving people what they want. I won't get too into depth on the subject but its kinda crazy that I was dreaming that. But the thing that is really cool, it was not a stressful dream at all. I used to work retail and I would have dreams about restocking shelves and cleaning things up and then restocking shelves, and then people telling me what to do... I would wake up and not be well rested at all and then I'd go to work and stock picture frames for a couple of hours, not fun!

I'm supposed to be meeting with a man who I graduated high school with, I guess he wants to know how I think God is my strength or why I think that he is in control of my life. You know something, you don't really realize how little strength you have until you are really tested. Life is so fragile and people are dying every day. Who am I to think that I am invincable and why do I live as if I am going to live forever. How can I go through a day and not even think about God, or Jesus and how Jesus died for me? The Bible is real. Those things really happened! I believe that! I believe that our God is the God of the universe. Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? Because we live in an evil world and because He has given us free will. We are not robots, however there are those out there that believe that Christians are mindless unthinking robots. That is so ignorant to believe. Just because I don't believe in what you believe then I must not have the ability to think and reason? I choose to believe in what I believe and I am not going to judge you for what you feel is right or wrong.

I want to love all people. Being in the military, the only color skin I saw was Green. When I meet someone on the street I want to know what the ethical origin is because it explans a lot about how they wish to be treated. All people want respect but I want to respect their customs and courtiseys. I can't spell. Okay, I just thought about that and it might not have made any sense. I guess the thing about writng things down as they come out of your head, they don't always make sense...

I need to take a shower, eat something, pick up the rest of my "tailored" suit and finish cleaning my room. My brother (in-law) and I made plans to go snowmobiling this afternoon and I need to plow the broom ball rink. We are having a party next weekend so it will give me something to look forward to this whole week. I haven't given this blogg address out to anyone so we'll see if I ever do. Yeah, some guys where blogging when we were in Iraq... I don't know if that would have good for me, I was pretty stressed out and upset with my situation.. I'm getting better but sometimes when I talk about it I get mad again. I'm not usually such an angry person though, or am I and I just don't want other people to think that? Okay, its not noon yet but I need to get going. We'll see how often I am able to blog, maybe I'll just be a weekend warrior or maybe I'll actually have something to talk about every day.. I'll have to tell everyone (no one since no one knows about this blog yet) how my first day goes!

Trav

Starting my life

I have been on cruise control for as long as I can remember. I went through High School wanting things or wanting to be things just so people would notice me. I wanted to play piano becaue a girl I liked played piano and then I would have something in common with her. But why did I play piano? I enjoy playing the piano now, its fun to read the notes and play them, but I'm not very good. Why do I want anything in life? Do I want money so that I can buy things? I basically have everything that I want so why do I buy other things? I have always had a girl friend because I wanted companionship, but I was looking for companionship in all the wrong places.

A good friend asked me what God was doing in my life, the question was so simple yet so direct, it came as a shock to me, I didn't really know what to tell her. God, what have you been doing in my life? I had a converation with a fellow a short time ago about evolution and gods, and how when I feel God leading me then I am just like everyone else in the world who feels like their god is leading them in a specific direction. I've heard the saying, "the winner writes the records" well there are a lot of people out there who believe that the Christian Bible (or Catholic Bible for that matter) was written by people who want to sway one's beliefs in order gain control over them. Well, I will admit to being under someone's authority, I am under God, my God. I give him my alligence and I want to serve him. Why is he the winner and why does he get to write the books? Well, because he will always win, he's God. Yehwey, the Alpha and Omega, the begining and the end, he was before there was a was. I don't claim to be smart or an intellectual, I am who I am.

But what is it that I want?

I want to be loved. My dad said that he loved me today. I am truely loved.

I want to be trusted. When I was in the National Guard, my soldiers knew that they could count on me to help them whatever their problem was becasue I truely cared about them. I am trusted.

I want people to like me. Does anyone really know me for who I am or do they only know the person I want them to know? Who really knows me? My sister knows me. My brother-in-law knows me. A couple of my friends probably have a good idea about who I am. But who am I? Why am I so sarcastic? Why do I say dumb things that hurt people? Why do I say nice things that make people feel good? Why can't I just say what I am thinking straight up rather then saying things so sarcastically? Are all those things who I am or who I want people to see me as? I must be doing a good job portratying someone people like to be around so people must like me.

I want to love. I have some of the coolest and closest friends I have ever had. Man, God is so good! I am so thankful for the friends that he has blessed me with, and he continues to bless me with more and more friends. I love my friends.

I want to be successful. I have never failed even though I have been challenged. I started a new job recently and I will admit, I have had some days that have really tested me to see if I can take rejection. Every time that I have been rejected I have been able to get over the hurt and feelings of failure, but I have not failed. God has blessed me, eventhough I have not always blessed him. I recently read a book that some friends recommended I read, "Redeeming Love" by Francene Rivers, I would recommend this book to girls and guys alike. I think we all can relate to this book some way or another. Well, in this book God talks to Micheal by addressing him as "Beloved." I believe that he addresses me in the same way, because He loves and cares for me. The first time I read a part when God talked to Micheal calling him "beloved" a chill went down my spine. What if God talks to me like that? What if God has a plan for my life? What if God is with me every day of my life? The funny thing is though, God does talk to me like that, He does have a plan for my life, and he has been with me all the days of my life, even when I've been so distant from him.

So, with this new job I am basically starting a new chapter of my life. I told a friend that so far I think I may really enjoy this job. We will see though, I haven't left the kiddy pool yet, I'm still splashing around with my arm floaties on... I titled it "Starting my life" because it seems like I am living for myself and God for the first time in my life, before this I was serving the Army. I have God, I have close friends and I have a family that loves me, I have all the support that I need to spread my wings and fly. I am starting my life...

Since this is my first blog then maybe sometime I can tell some funny stories or something like that. If there are any special requests for stories out there please let me know and I can write them.. The thing is, I doubt they will be as funny as when I tell them, the delievery usually has a lot to do with it.