At a Crossroads

Do you every think what people will think about you after you are gone? Please do not think I am suicidal, I assure you I am not. I am just putting my thoughts onto paper. I do not know why I've been so drained lately. Well, there are probably a couple of reasons... But sometimes I take a step back and look at my life and wonder where it is going. I just found out that girl that I was somewhat interested in, in the last couple of months, is now engaged.. I was not close to her and our relationship did not go any further then one date (sort of) and hanging out a couple of times, but it I would consider it some type of relationship. I liked her, I still like her, she is a very nice girl, and I would still consider her a friend. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Or maybe it is that I'm not doing anything right because the best thing you can be doing is nothing. So if the best thing to do is nothing (just trusting in God), then all this trying that I'm doing is the worst thing to do..

A wise woman once said,
"A word of wisdom to those who are where I was before, longing to BE loved. NEVER SETTLE. You know when you are even if you try to convince yourself you’re not. As hard as it can be at times, LISTEN to that still small voice telling you how you are worth so much more then what could be settled for.
The only way to begin allowing yourself to BE loved and to believe that you are worth more…. BELIEVE that God truly unconditionally loves you no matter what you do or have done…. HE LOVES YOU AMAZINGLY!"

I want to be loved and I could have settled in the past, but I didn't. But I don't always hear that small voice. I need to work of believing that I am worth more. I talk like I have confidence but I have a surprisingly low level of self esteem. My low level of self esteems allows me to feel beaten down when things don't seem to go the way I want them to.. I need God, I need to give Him my problems and I need to look to Him for strength and guidance. He is the ONLY answer to all of my problems.

My God, He comforts me..

This will be short because I have to leave for work really soon.. The times that I think about life the most is when I am in bed. Most of the time it all just comes to me when I'm laying there.. I first think about dying. Every day I get so focused on what I'm doing I do not even realize that everything is temporary.. But then when I am laying in bed I realize that even I am temporary... That's when I first get scared, that is the human side of me. We humans like to believe that we are in control of everything. But laying there in bed I realize that I can not control what happens once I die. The next thing that happens is I realized that I need something much more powerful then myself, I need God. I need God my creator and I need Jesus my savior and friend.. Yes I still feel loneliness and I still long for humanly companionship but when I give all glory to God and cry out to Him, he comforts me. When I give Him praise in those moments, the moments that I need Him more then anything, he puts me to sleep. It happens every time. I lay down, I realize how weak I am, I get scared, I give Him praise, I fall asleep. Well, I did that this morning too. Woke up, realized how weak I was, prayed to God and fell asleep. My God, He comforts me.

Contemplating Life

I deleted my last post, a friend of mine read it and was confused.. I was confused after I read it.. A lot of time when I blog I come to conclusions but with that one I was more confused after I got done with it then I was before I sat down at the computer. Do I always have things figured out? No, I don't. But no one likes to be confused..
I was feeling lonely today... I was walking up the stairs at home thinking, "Is this worth it...? Is life worth it??" Those thoughts seem like something someone would be saying to themselves when contemplating life.. I am not suicidal but sometimes I think it is good to just think about stuff. Like ask yourself if your life is going anywhere.. Maybe most people don't really think about that. I guess if you are goal orientated you are always looking ahead and reaching for something.. But what if you don't really have anything to look forward to? I guess I have things to look forward to like spending time with my friends or going swing dancing.. But you cannot hang out with your friends all the time and you can't swing dance non stop.. I think part of my problem could be how spiritually dead I feel at times.. Like I went all weekend not really thinking about God. I did not talk to Him and I did not praise Him.. And then there are those who don't even believe God exists.. I sometimes wonder how they don't feel lonely. Maybe they just fill themselves with knowledge.. If they know all the answers then they have everything figured out. I guess that goes back to me not knowing all the answers.
This morning I was sitting in my car before going to work. I was sitting there, not really feeling sorry for myself and not really trying to motivate myself, just sitting there thinking about how I was just feeling blagh, like nothingness.. I text-ed my friends, basically just looking for words of encouragement. I have heard that in relationships just knowing that you are loved or knowing that you have the support of someone else accounts for a lot. I know that my friends and family support me but I guess I was just wanting to hear it, a sort of pick me up.. I guess that's just the way I am.. But that's me looking for words of affirmation from other people. Why didn't I pray while I was sitting there in my car? Why didn't I ask God to go with me and why didn't I ask God to show me how much he loves me?? I belive he exists, why didn't I go to him?? Probably because I'm so used to trying to do everything on my own..
I talked to my friends today, that helped. I danced with several girls tonight too, but that didn't do much for my loneliness, I was still lonely on my drive home.. I saw a pretty girl at Cub tonight, I tried not to check her out.. Guys are so visually orientated. Then I was hoping that my wife would be attractive like that. No time line as far as that is concerned. I'm tired..