What good are Allies if they are not willing to fight??

Am I doing as much as I should or can be doing? Do you ever ask yourself that? A friend of mine posted something on FB, she said that she was feeling the weight of the world on her.. I thought that was an interesting thing to post and wondered what she was going though.. I found out later that she was feeling anxiety about how our "great" country believes that it is okay to take a child's life. What is so great about that? We got into a discussion about this a work about a month ago and one of the Leads had to tell us to stop talking about it.. When is it okay to abort a baby? I once thought that it was okay to abort a baby if the woman was raped but my views have changed. I do not think a baby should ever be aborted, "bastard" children are lives too... There as so many people willing to adopt children these days (or that's what I've been told) there will always be someone to care for and love a child. Anyway, she said that she fasted and prayed about it. What else should we be doing? I do not like our president, he scares me. His policies feel too much like socialism and making everyone equal. The people on the bottom of the social structure want to be at the top and they don't want to have to work to get there... That is what we get from the immediate gratification crowd... I think is should be illegal to abort a child, period. Once you start making acceptions you start playing god.

Anyway, getting back to the discussion about abortions and parents loving their children... Another friend of mine works for a company that cares for children with handicaps, mental and physical, she was telling me about some of her kids who are having their parent's parental rights terminated.. She was talking about how the kids want more then anything to be with their parents even though they were in a really bad sitution. The kids just want to be loved by their parents but heir parents were not even caring for their simplest needs.. The feeling of abandoning my kids (I don't have any kids) absolutely tears my heart apart.. I can not even begin to imagine how parents can just take their kid for granted... Most parents care for their children more then they are for themselves, how does one lose that drive? Selfishness, that's how... I once heard about a family that had a down syndrome child, I think they were very selfish. This couple was a very affluent family and they had many nice things but everything changed when their first child came along... They had all of these dreams for this kid and they were both extremely excited about having a child and then when they realized that they would not be able to do all the things that they had dreamed about, they dropped that kid like a bad habit... They put him up for adoption and walked away.. I am sure the kid was adopted by a family who was willing to love him and accept him for the kid that God made him to be.. At least they did not abort the child but they did care for the child more then them selves..

So I ask myself, am I don't all that I can to fight for what I believe? The answer is no. I could be doing more, I could always be doing more... But my friend also said that she does not want to look back on her life and ask herself what she could have done differently. What will I tell God on judgement day? He asks me what I lived for knowing full well all of the times that I stumbled and all the times that I looked the other way when I could have stood up for what I believed... I need to pray about this. We as humands get into patterns and we tend to do what it easiest. It usually is not easy to stand up for what you believe because sometimes you turn allies into enemies... But what good are allies if they are not willing to fight??

This is something I am going to have to pray and meditate on..

357

Today my land lady/house mate asked me if I talk in my sleep. I admitted that I do.. She said that a few nights ago she heard me like screaming in a soft voice... I knew exactly what she was talking about. I had a bad dream... This wasn't one of those bad colletions dreams that I've been having about work, it was far deeper then that.

Well, deeper and bizarre.. This will make no sense to anyone but it had something to do with the numbers 357 and the fact that I am going to die some day... I've had a dream similar to this before, nothing to do with the numbers but everything to do with the feeling, it was the feeling of death.

What does death feel like... I don't know but in my dream I was dealing with what happens when you die.. Its times like that, where you are faced with something that you know you cannot overcome by yourself, that you realize how out of control you are. What I mean is what little control you have over the outcome. I will die some day and every one else reading this will also die some day. Just think about that, life as we know it will no longer exhist. We are finite beings meaning that our life started and it will end. Some people do not believe in God or eternity, I do not know how they deal with nightmares of dieing or the thought of life ending. My nightmare has a happy ending... I don't know what happened in it but I found myself crying out to God. I cried out to him to save me. I cried out to him to comfort me. I need God more then anything in my life. Crying out to anything else does not comfort me... I like trucks, snowmobiles and swing dancing but crying out to snowmobiles is meaningless, they can not save me. They are not ever present. They did nothing for me.. There are times when I feel lonely but that's because I am focusing on the finite, when I focus on the eternal, I am comforted..

I've been a bad friend (to Jesus)

My last blog talked about friends and meaningful friendships... I have been missing the point, or maybe more importantly, I have been being a poor friend myself. I need to be better friends with Jesus. What makes friendships work? Quality Time and Effort!! I have a friend who I never hear from, at one time I was calling him daily but that's when my job allowed it and we lived closer together. I understand that he has been very busy but when he doesn't make time for his friends or even make an effort to talk to them it makes it hard to stay close friends...

Now if I switch the tables and look at how often I've been "calling on" God or how often I've been talking to Jesus, I am just as bad or worse of a friend. And this friendship is not one of those people that I just talk to once a week, this is our Savior, the one who gave his life for me..

I feel asleep praying two nights ago and last night I feel asleep reading the word. Then this morning I read out of Matthew and Romans.. I need Jesus! Why am I always trying to find fulfillment through other avenues? (girls) Maybe because that is the flesh speaking to me, pulling me in other directions.. There is no excuse, it is just selfish thinking. Yesterday I don't think I prayed at all at work or even talked to Jesus. I need to be thinking of him all the time, please help me Jesus, be with me, lead me, sorry for being such a bad friend and not letting my light shine. I need you more then anything else and I will never be truly happy if I do not have you first in my life. Thank you for everything.

Friends vs. Meaningful Friendships

I went to bed early last night, I fell asleep praying. I was basically praying for direction. I have been corresponding with a friend lately, she is basically in the same place in life as I am. We both feel like our lives are in limbo. Like day after day we are basically just living and working, living and working, living and working... Isn't that what live is all about??

I don't know if this job is going to work out. I had dreams about work again last night... When I have dreams about work I'm usually trying to collect and nothing is working.. Not very restful sleep, because when I wake up I'm already dreading going to work.. Have you ever watched Office Space? My job is not really like that but it kinda makes me laugh. One of the funny lines in that movie goes something like this, "Every day that I go to work it is worse than the last day so every day you see me is pretty much the worst day of my life..." Thankfully I am not to that level of discontentment...

I am thankful for the friends that I have because my friends make me feel loved. I'm a "words of affirmation" type guy so I feel loved when people tell me that then enjoy my company, stuff like that. Well, I have a friend who is always writing on my wall, I feel loved when that happens.. I played disc golf with a couple of my friends, I feel loved when that happens..

What is the different between a meaningful friendship and just having friends? Why do I not have many good friendships with the people that I go swing dancing with? Probably because we never have many meaningful conversations. My friends that I have that I consider good friends all have something in common, we believe in Jesus.. The people I go dancing with (most of them anyway) I have never really had a meaningful conversation with. That's what separates my real friends for my acquaintances.. I think I just feel lonely, but why? Is it because I am lacking faith? It was awesome to fall asleep praying last night!! I need to spend more time with Jesus, lost in prayer. I didn't feel lonely last night once I started focusing on God and not myself..

I need to focus on God, I need to pray continuously, I need to praise His name in all things, I cannot live my life day to day without God..