A taste of my own medicine.

I met a girl the other night at church, I just got her name and nothing else. Well, when I got home she had already sent me a FB friend request.. We chatted for a little while and some red flags went up but I figured I'd give her the benefit of the doubt.. A couple days later I watched the American Idol finale at her house. She was super shy and only made eye contact a couple times. This girl is 33 years old, so its not like she just moved out of the house.. Well, she is living in a house her dad owns and is driving one of their extra cars and she doesn't have a job for the summer.. Well, I can relate to the "being unemployed" part. But anyway, since we hung out she has been texting me non stop.. I can relate to that part though, (and Heidi also brought this up) in the past when I've started liking a girl it has been instant infatuation and all I did was focus on her and want to talk to her and want to be with her and want to hold her and want to talk to her... I know, crazy! I can't believe some of those girls actually dated me.. Because, when you are on the receiving end you can almost feel suffocated... So, she wants to be friends with me. There are not many people that I have refused friendship so we will see how this goes.. So far the guidelines are, text or chat when you have something important to say and say everything else through emails and if we are out somewhere it will be in a group. I am hopeful that she will understand how her actions are being perceived..

This is where I start being brutally honest and since very few people read this, those who choose to comment let me know if I'm being shallow or if these are legitimate gripes. I would not consider myself highly educated but one thing that really annoys me is when people do not use proper grammar.. Just simple stuff like speaking properly and not using slang all the time.. It is just polite to try to speak properly. Something else that I've recently noticed that bothers me is when people type letters as if they were texting, using things like "u" instead of "you" and "now" instead of "know" and misspelling common words or using them in the wrong way like "its" instead of "it is." It just shows a lack of attention to detail or that they don't really care what they are saying, or that's how I perceive it. Sure, I'm not perfect and sometimes I use a word in the wrong way but I try to catch myself.

Anyway, now I know what it is like to be on the receiving end of infatuation. So far I don't really like it..

She was defriended..

I have a pretty good friend who I met on Speeddate, she lives in Iowa. We have never met however we know each other fairly well.. Well, I probably know more facts about her then she does me but that's probably because I ask more questions.. And I try to listen. She's pretty cool. We bounce stuff off of each other from time to time and neither one of us are right all the time but its good to have someone to give me honest and frank advise... Today she asked me to explain the situation that was bothering me yesterday.. I got the answer to the question that I asked.. I kinda already knew the answer but it was good to get a confirmation and a little support. The question I posed was this, "If you call a girl and you know that she is there but she doesn't answer, then what does that mean?" I guess I was looking for a more detailed answer but what my friend told me made sense. Her response was, "It means that the girl doesn't like you..." Now, I was hoping that it meant that she didn't like talking on the phone.. But the explanation I got made sense.. If you call a girl and she at least likes you as a friend, then she is going to pick up. If she doesn't even really like you enough to inconvenience herself, then she's probably not a friend at all." I asked if I should defriend this chick and delete her phone number (hoping that my friend in Iowa would say that was too harsh) she instead told me that that was what I should do. Once again, she explained it well saying, "she is not being nice and she is hurting you.." I was being hurt, not bad I guess, but more then a true "friend" would "hurt" another friend. Most of my friends are happy to talk on the phone... Or, at the very least, they will text me and say that they are busy or something like that... But a girl that doesn't want to talk to you doesn't even apologize for missing your call!

This girl told me that she didn't like it when guys played games with her... But she plays her own games.. I feel played.. The things I did wrong for "playing the game.." Firstly, I hate playing games like this, I say it how it is and pick up the pieces afterwards.. Secondly, I made it too easy for her to walk all over me.. If she wants to be friends with me then she will have to send me a friend request on fb or text me. Its like breaking up only we were never in a relationship (or friendship for that matter). Do you know how many of my ex girlfriends have contacted me after we broke up? Let me think... Maybe one and that was several years later and she was happily married with kids.. So, I don't think this girl will miss me enough to contact me. I always hope but this hope will soon fade.. Thirdly, I should have seen the signs... The first sign: I told her that I wanted to continue corresponding with her and she told me, "I'm not very good at corresponding with people who I don't see on a day to day basis.." I appreciated her honest, I think that was her trying to let me down lightly.. I'm a sucker.. Or I have to take that for what it is and it was her telling me not to expect or hope for anything. Lastly, I should have known it would never work, she's "out of my league." She's probably one of the prettiest girls I ever tried to pursue and like my friend in Iowa put it, "Travis, you're not a Frat boy.."

Ms. Iowa's advise for me. "Give it a break and focus on other stuff..." The thing is, I always get in really good shape after a break up. When the last girl I dated from Iowa broke up with me I got in the best shape of my adult life. I started running every day before work.. I work up to running about three and a half miles and I was pretty fast.. One day I even ran five miles before work.. I think I ran for two months straight.. I hated my job and I wanted to get away.. The best way for me to do that was to run and run fast.. Kinda like punishing my body, but in a good way. I just got done doing P90X, it really is punishment.. But it helps me focus on other stuff. I have wasted too much of my time looking for girls.. And I need to focus on college this fall and getting into Carlson. Oh, and maybe I'll focus on dancing a bit too!

I need to stop wasting my time on girls.

I woke up this morning thinking about what I was thinking about last night... I have decided that I need to stop wasting time on girls. Girls are not a waste of time, but I waste a lot of time trying to pursue them on Match.com, or trying to chat with them on facebook.. I need to try to do what Heidi told me to do a while ago, she said, "Stop trying so hard, you just need to wait around and then girls will ask you to do stuff rather then you always asking them." I guess this is true, the girls that really care about me will want to do stuff with me. But the girls who just care about themselves will expect me to call and flatter them. Maybe I just make it too easy to get used. I think that's it, I get taken for granted. The funny thing is though, I'll probably still want the specific girls that I like to contact me of fb or something like that, I guess I'll just have to resist contacting them when it would be so easy to drop them a line.. I'll probably be waiting forever.

What does it mean when you call a girl and she doesn't pick up even though you know that she is really there??

I was on my way to church tonight when my car died, then I got home and heard that Osama Bin Laden had been eliminated. So my night went from sucky to pretty decent. And then I chatted with a girl online for a while. I've chatted with girls online a lot, I guess I don't know what to think. Maybe girls aren't that much different from guys in some regards.. Like, we are both putting ourselves out there, wanting to be understood, but at the same time we probably don't want to be understood to the point that it would take away some type of advantage that we have, or feel we have over each other. Its like a boy vs. girl sort of thing. We both want everything from the other side but we still hold back. Well, I don't feel like I'm holding anything back. I'm just confusing myself. Maybe the problem that I have is that I want something that I can't really have.. This girl, for example, I think she is really cool. Maybe cool is too old school of an explanation. I think that she is super awesome.. Better? Anyway, maybe she is unattainable because of the distance.. But I have a feeling that if the distance was not an issue then something else would be an issue. Maybe it just comes down to the fact that she doesn't like me like that and never will. In that case, for me to try to be her friend then I'm trying for all the wrong reasons. She could probably "get" any guy that she wanted, however I've heard girls tell me the same thing. But then I find a girl that I think I "want" but the feelings aren't reciprocated. Its hard though.. There are a lot of other girls out there and I have a feeling that the ones that I "want" probably aren't interested in me. I don't think I'm a bad guy, but I must not have the qualities that they expect or desire. I should be fine with that, or at least be able to move in another direction. Maybe I just see what I want to see, or see what I'm looking for. Or, maybe I don't know how to read the signs. I'm pretty sure that is one of my problems. If a girl is only willing to do what is easy for her then I shouldn't be willing to put myself out there for her. Girls seem to live my their own rules.. Or have expectations for guys but guys don't know what those expectations are. I guess my biggest question would be, "what does it mean when you like chatting with a girl but she doesn't want to talk to you on the phone?" I've run into this a couple of times... Like, a girl will be texting me and personally, I would rather talk on the phone, so I call them and then they don't answer. What does that mean? Does it mean that they don't like talking on the phone? Or does it mean that they just don't want to talk to me? Maybe it just means that they are in the bathroom and they don't want to talk... Or is it like a test? Like, do they want me to try again later? I think that's my biggest question right now.. Well, I could call back later but then that would feel like I was stalking them and I don't know if that's how she would perceive it.. I want to believe that is just means that they don't like talking on the phone. But in the case with this specific girl, don't think she want's to talk on the phone with me. If she wanted to talk on the phone with me then you would think that she would say, "hey, call me.." or something like that. I guess I come back to the question of why the girls that I'm really attracted to or really enjoy hanging out with me don't really like me? This is where the people sitting on the fence, watching the situation unfold, say, "she doesn't like you, deal with it you schmuck, move along..." So, I guess that's what my biggest question about girls is... "What does it mean when you call a girl and she doesn't pick up even though you know that she is really there?" I guess it could mean any number of things based on each woman's situation, but I think if I knew the answer to that question and understood it, I would be better off...

Lonely and confused..

Sometimes I get lonely. I watch TV or surf the internet. Its like I want to have someone to talk to but at the same time I don't want to come across as a lonely person. Sometimes I think lonely people are creepy.. Is it wrong to want to talk to someone? Well, for right now I would settle for just about anyone, but eventually I think I would be content with just one person. Or one person with a couple of good friends.. I was just thinking that I have spend the whole morning not talking to anyone, but I spoke to a friend on the phone for about two minutes, so there goes my streak.

I think I get attached to people too quickly.. Or I open up too quickly. A girl once told me that women like guys who are mysterious, I don't think I am very good at being mysterious. I've tried to be mysterious though... But, for some reason, it doesn't seem to work very well for me. Another guy told me that I should get women to think that they need to talk to me all the time.. But then he spends hours on the phone with his girl friend when he would rather be doing other things. I've seen him on the phone and he looks so bored!! LOL! I told him that he is so good at getting her to think that she has to talk to him that now he can't get her off the phone! I guess my biggest "problem" in "playing the game" is that I don't care to play that game or any game. I just what a wholesome relationship with a woman that I can just chill with and share my life with.

The other day I chatted with a female friend of mine who finds herself in a situation very similar to my own. Its funny how she deals with some of the same stuff that I deal with only she is on the opposite side of the matter. She has to deal with the guys who are playing the game and taking everything that they can get. I feel for her, and at the same time I am hoping that she finds a guy a lot like myself. Someone who will treat her with respect, want to do things with her, protect her, encourage her and serve her. Oh, and trust her and love her. There are times where I want to go find a girl like that and treat her right and there are other times that I just want to stay at home and do nothing. Well, I don't like staying at home, but I don't know what else to do. I'm on Match.com and I see lots of girls on there, but when you already like a girl it is hard to "go shopping" for another girl. Well, that's what it feels like, shopping the classifieds for a woman who has things in common with me.. I am so thankful to have friends who are girls, they are more fun to talk to then guys! I think I like a girl anyway, but its is far safer just to try to be her friend. I think that's my biggest problem today.. Its not that I am bored, its more that I don't understand some stuff. Like, should I make a change in my life, move away from my friends and family, and out of Minnesota? Its chilly outside today.. The Spring and Fall seasons can seem so long.. So warmer temps are sounding good right about now.. And if I were to choose to move, would it be for the wrong reasons? Who's to say if a reason is right or wrong. Would a move like that be "living with no regrets" or would be just be making a big mistake? I think I would rather live with a mistake rather then living with a regret. What did God tell me? Maybe I should ask him since I've spent all this time thinking about it and I haven't gotten anywhere doing it by myself...

Spring Cleaning..

I get into these spurts.. Like, one time I thought it would be fun to scrap book, but it only took about five pages to do my whole life.. Or the pictures that I had on hand anyway.. Today, I got into this cleaning spurt.. I'm not done yet but when I am finished I hope for my room to be really clean with an area in the middle big enough to do a swingout.. I think I might go get some filing cabinets or a book shelf, something that will allow me to better organize. Yesterday I picked up some filing boxes, the type with handles on them so they are pretty mobile. I actually bought two different types, one for personal files and one for military filing. My current method of filing is just throwing everything into my filing box, in an orderly fashion... But there are really old files in there that I don't need and it really isn't very organized. I guess part of my motivation to do this is because I had my room pretty clean when I left and I want to be organized. I want to know exactly where everything is and not waste time looking for things. I'm really good at keeping everything important but I'm pretty good at keeping everything that isn't important too... So then I have everything, but I don't need most of the stuff. Another thing that is motivating me is being able to move.. I haven't decided to move but I want to be flexible. I don't want to live is this house forever! I like it, but I want something more.. I do have it pretty good though, $300 a month plus utilities. I spend $300 staying in a hotel room for three days! I couldn't wait to get out of there, I can't justify spending that kind of money! I need to budget too. Now that I'm out of credit card debt and I could potentially be out of student loan debt, it is extremely important that I live within my means. Once I budge everything I have to make sure that I am putting money in savings. If you are not saving money then you are not living within your means...

I have a lot of stuff. I guess some of this is just in my blood. My dad has several cars, and a bone yard of old cars that still have lots of good "parts" on them. Does he need all those things? Well, no, but it is something of a hobby for him. In going through my stuff I have found things that I have collected with good intentions but then they have just sat around. I have to ask myself, "Am I really going to make another shirt for Rendezvous? I I really need all the boots that that Military has given me? Do I need 8 pairs of good jeans and 6 pair of play jeans?? I just have so much stuff. I'm not a hoarder like on those TV shows, thankfully.. My room can get messy but then I get into one of these spurts... Well, I have a hair cut scheduled for 3:00 so that gives me a drop dead time of 2:30... Its noon right now so I should be able to reorganize my room, unpack my bags (civilian and military), repack my military bag for this weekend, organize my military filing box, tidy up the rest of my room, go through my clothes and toss some of them and be ready to leave the house for my hair cut. Speaking of going through my clothes, a friend of mine told me that I could make a quilt out of my old T-shirts so that I am able to keep them around even though I won't be wearing them anymore.. I wish I had considered that last time I threw out like 10 T-shirts that I liked but didn't really wear anymore. I've never made a quilt but I think it sounds like a great idea... But then again, it kinda sounds like a good intention that might never happen. We will have to see what shirts I am considering throwing out..

Two bloggs in two days.. I need to get a job!!

Back in Minnesota.

Well, I'm back in Minnesota after spending about five months in Kentucky. I am going to miss my friends in Kentucky a lot! Sure, I have friends in MN but I seemed to really connect with a couple people in KY. The person I connected best with was Jonathan, he and I seemed to really understand each other. I think we are at similar points in our lives and we see the good in other people. He was so encouraging and always up for anything. I think our friendship would have continued to grow had I stayed there longer. I got close to a couple girls while I was there too, girls that were totally cool with just hanging out, I already miss them. It is friendships like that that I don't really have in MN. I guess I should hang out with my friends here more. I kinda want to move back there.. But it is feelings like these that will probably fade in time. If they don't fade then I can definitely see myself living in KY and visiting Minnesota from time to time. The weather here seems to be more consistent then KY. Sure we have our days where it is warm one day and literally freezing the next but they changes from the highs to lows are not as drastic as they are in KY. I think I would have to have working A/C if I were to live in KY. In MN, you really only miss A/C for a month or two and then it works great all winter (when you don't need it). Another thing that is really different in MN is the swing dancing scene. I went dancing last night to a live band and there were probably only about 30 people there but about half of them were as good or better then most of the swing dancers in Louisville.. But I'll take good friendships over good swing dancing any day!

Things on my to do list are: Go to the bank and deposit my tax returns, file for unemployment, unpack all my stuff, get ready for drill this weekend, look for a job and go to a Peter Strom swing dance lesson, probably pretty close to that order. I looked for a job last night but I don't really know what I want to do.. I applied for some HR jobs at Fort Knox and it would be a God send if I was given the opportunity to get a good job down there. There are a lot of bank here in the Metro area and I would like to work for Chase Bank because I have collected indirectly for them in the past and was really impressed by their company, but there are not many jobs with Chase here in MN.. Wells Fargo is always hiring but I don't really want to be a teller or a call center banker.. The call center hours are kinda demanding 9-6 and weekends.. Yeah, I don't really want to be married to my job, a life outside of work would be nice.. I am kinda unmotivated right now and I haven't really started looking yet. I think I'm going to try to borrow P90X from some of my friends, so I'm going to do that to try to get into shape! Well, I'm already in pretty good shape but I want to be in really good shape! Maybe I'll go for a run tomorrow, I don't really feel like it today.

Well, I should do something with my day. Maybe I'll play Angry Birds for a bit.. What an addicting game..

Its almost time to leave Kentucky.

I am going to graduate from Armor Basic Officer Leadership Course today.. I have a lot of thought running through my head.. Did I try as hard as I should have? I didn't get any awards, it would have been nice but did I really want an award? I will miss the friends that I have made while I have been down here, will I ever make it back? Did I say things that were better left unsaid? Is there someone out there for me or have I already met her? Will I find a good job once I get back? Will I find a job down here and move down here? What do I want in life? I've asked that before but maybe I don't really know what I want.. There are so many questions and so few answers..

Packing...

Well, I did it again.. I took a nap earlier today because I was so tired and then I stayed up late packing for ten days in the field.. This is the last big push, we will be tested on everything that they have been teaching us over the past three and a half months! I am not too nervous, I know I can do everything, I just have to pay attention to the details. We will be given an order and then we will have to cater that order to our Platoon, but we will be working with a company sized unit and will have to work together with other platoons. It should be really good training! In all the training we have had we have only done about three company sized missions.. Oh, and another thing, we will be sleep deprived! We should get about three to four hours of sleep a night, and the last five days we'll get two hours of sleep every third day! Like I said, it should be some good training!!

I don't have too many really good friends down here.. No one that I can just hang out with and talk about life.. I guess I get lonely, so I've chatting with friends back home on FB, it has really helped! I am a little nervous about going home. I have some money saved up, but I don't know if I am going to pay off my loans from school or just try to save it.. I could probably pay off all of my loans but then I wouldn't have very much money.. And then there is tithe. I want to give ten percent so I might see if one of my missionary friends have any needs. Tithe is kinda tough.. Like it would be so easy just to keep the money.. I read a book on tithing once. In the book the author talked about how tithing isn't necessarily easy but it is giving something or worth for someone who gave everything. I guess I have a saying that I kinda live by, "money will come and go but you'll always have your family.." Family here on earth is different from our eternal family but that's probably just because we compartmentalize our lives.. I am a part of God's family when I want to be or when I look for it.. But it really isn't that way, or it shouldn't be.

I have been considering moving to KY. I've been thinking about it for probably about a month now. I've prayed a lot and thought about it but I am thinking that it is more of a thought then a plan. There are some really cool people down here, they have swing dancing a couple times a week and I like the area. I will miss my family but I could probably get up to see them a couple times a year.. I don't know, it would be a big step and a lot of things would have to line up to make it an option.. I am probably going to try to get unemployment benefits for a couple weeks or months.. The amount that I will get should be about equal to what I was getting before I came down here, so I will definitely be able to live off of it and still be able to save.. I will probably try to get a job at Wells Fargo or some other bank, I think that would be a good career move for me and it would give me some experience in the banking industry if I chose to move.. I probably wouldn't make too much but I think I would enjoy the job. It would probably be a lot of standing around.. Sometime I would like to have a job that involves sitting. Sitting is easier on your body. I'm starting to sound old, worrying about my body and all.

I guess what it all comes down to is focusing on God and where he is going to take me. I put so many other things before Him and my relationship with Him.. Paul is one of my hero's. He had so much faith! Sure, he had some pretty amazing things happen to him but he went where God sent him and didn't really complain about it. I am looking forward to meeting him some day, when "my mission is done." Or when Jesus comes back. Well, I need to get up in about three hours so I should probably hit the hay.

Looking back on my last ten years and looking forward to the next...

Happy Birthday to me! Sometimes I wonder if I should have planned my life better, or had goals for my life. But then I realize that every time I make a plan for my life it doesn't work. I was putting a BIO together for the NG and it occurred to me that it took me ten years to get through college.. Sure, two years were a tech school and four years were for my BS so the fastest it could have been was 6 years.. But it still struck me as a long time. But I can look back over those ten years and see all the cool things I did, the numerous countries I visited and the people I interacted with. Over that time I went to the Philippines, Germany, France, Guatemala, Mexico, Bosnia, Hungry, Iraq and Qatar.. I don't think I would have thought about planning for that when I graduated HS.. And I played soccer, took up disc golf, and ran a 5k in under 20 minutes.. Oh, and swing dancing.. Swing Dancing has been my most rewarding accomplishment! But I want more.. I never thought I would be as good as I am now but I still think of myself as an intermediate..

Turning 31 seems old.. I still feel like I'm 27 or 28.. I'm in good shape and I stay active. Thankfully I have matured a ton in the past ten years.. Both spiritually and mentally. Spiritually speaking, I feel that I have realized that I am not as invincible as I once thought.. I think a lot of young males go through that stage.. I find myself looking for strength in Christ rather then relying on my own power. And that's where the planning starts to come it again, but this time around it is more about seeking guidance rather then looking for answers. If Jesus told me the answers would I believe Him, just like at the age of 19 or 20 would I believe I would have done all the things I've accomplished in the past ten or so years? Probably not.. So now I talk to God about what is going on in my life and see where He takes me. He has lead me to join the NG after getting out, something I was not sure I would have ever done, but it turned my life around financially and has brought me to where I am today. Why am I here though.. But that is looking for answers again.. Its better to say, "thanks for bringing me here, now use me.." That's where the living part of my faith comes in. The only way that is going to work is by focusing on Him and including Him in my day rather then praying and meditating at night.. Does God read my bloggs? Of course he does! Thanks for being there bud, or I mean, God.. I am anxious to see where you take me in the next ten years! I know it will be great and probably more then I ever would have believed if you were to tell me right now! I can't wait, I know it will go by fast! Thanks for everything!

"Enjoy the Moment" changes to "Enjoying the Moments."

I was chatting with a good friend on FB the other day and she said something that has stuck with me for the past couple of days.. She said, "Enjoy the moment," when I was telling her what was new with my life. It is in those moments that you are able to look back, it is what memories are made of. Some of the "moments" that I look back on and always bring a smile to my are are the months that I spent with my friends, Matt, Leah, Jaron and Kristy. We spent a summer together and that summer changed our lives. The summer ended in a grand fine-ally when we spent the weekend together. Well, I can't speak for everyone but Jaron and Leah are married and have a baby together, so it changed their lives.. Kristy will be an eternal friend no matter where her life takes her and Matt and I will always have a connection. At the time, I think we all knew that we would never be spending a weekend like that together ever again but everything was perfect. Oh, it was so perfect. I praise God for giving us these moments. Other "moments" that I have enjoyed are "moments" that just happen and you don't really enjoy them until you are looking back on them. I guess life just happens so fast that the moment is here and gone before you realize it ever happened. But I will always be able to look back on the experiences and know that we all shared it together. When I was talking to the woman who told me this, I was telling her about plans I was making and how I might be making some changes in my life.. I want to be able to enjoy the moment but when I find someone special I want that moment to change into life.. So I won't necessarily be "enjoying the moment" because everything I do will be enjoyable.. Does that make sense? I guess it would change from a past tense "enjoy" into a present tense, "enjoying..." "Enjoying the moments," everything you are doing is an adventure and there won't be a change from ordinary to special. It will all be special..

Now I'm going to make a bit of a stretch to 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18, "Rejoice always, ¹⁷ pray continually, ¹⁸ give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." This is what God wants for us..? What I take away from this passage is that Christ is here, with us, now. We don't look back as say, "That was awesome spending time with Jesus.." Jesus didn't leave, he's been here all along.. We don't go away and share a weekend with him and then go on with our life because he is there right now! I'm not waiting for a chance He will have to just hang out with me because he is already there, enjoying the moments we are always spending with Him.. So, right now, I'm enjoying the moments with Jesus. What's up Jesus? How ya doing bra? Kickin' it with my homie, brotha J. Ever present. Thank you for everything, Jesus..

"I am coming back to the heart of worshing and its all about you, its all about you Jesus."

I know I just blogged like five minutes ago but I've been doing a lot of reflecting tonight. I guess that's what happens when you sit and think about your life and wonder about things. I came to the realization that I have been doing a lot of compromising the past couple of months.. Thankfully I have not compromised in areas like premarital sex or anything like that but I have been tempted.. A song just came to me, "I'm coming back to the heart of worship and its all about you, all about you Jesus." Reflecting on that thought, lately it has not been about Jesus, its been about Travis. And this feeling is empty. I want to live for something more then myself. At church last week the pastor was preaching out of Act's, one of my favorite books, his challenge to us as a congregation was to go and tell the world about the good news of Christ. Being raised in the church I know all of these things but I'm not living for Him. I think that has a lot to do with the pattern that I am in. I have this constant longing for female companionship but every time I become interested in someone I go running in that direction.. Why. Because I'm human I guess.. Maybe I don't have an answer for it. Okay, I don't have an answer for it. I am weak and its only when I realize this that I go running back to Christ. Its an up and down pattern. I need to stop compromising but the only way to do that is to focus on Jesus, not everything else that takes up my time from day to day. I need to make time for Jesus just like I make time for studying and swing dancing. It will take a conscious effort but I know that it will be rewarding. When I look back on my life I realize that the times that I have been most heart broken or sad it has only been my relationship with Jesus that has gotten me through those times. My family has been supportive and encouraging but when I have focused on Christ it has made the biggest difference. Once again, I find myself on the bottom looking up, not knowing where I am going to go or what I am going to do. My job ends in just over a month and I will have to live on savings but I believe that I am here for a reason. I believe that I am going through these trials so that I can once again realize that I am here because I have lost focus but at the same time I am right where I am supposed to be. And I find myself thanking God for everything that he has blessed me with. Everything.

Who needs girls when you've got God. I quit girls.

Yeah, I'm not with that girl that I blogged about last.. She and I correspond about once a week, she is really busy.. I am thankful that I do not wait for her to call anymore, she hasn't called since a couple days after I got back down here. Her profile is active on Match.com again, I don't really care though. Sometimes there is so much clarity when you can look at a situation in the past. I feel like I'm coming to a point in my life that my sister, the 27 year old, came to when she was in HS.. She bid off boys, said that she was not interested in them at all, and vowed that she would become a Nun. Well, we went to a Protestant Church so she wasn't really going to become a Nun, but that's what she said. My Match.com profile is active right now, but I haven't met many people on there. I've actually met more people swing dancing.. I met this one girl who is really special, it makes me wish that I was living in Louisville. I'm tempted to try and move down here but I don't know what my friends and family would say.. I don't even know what this girl would say.. I could save up my money, I should actually be able to do that now that all but my college loans are paid for.. I think I keep on coming back to the same conclusion, I need to focus on God... I'll be honest, I have really drifted away from him. I pray, but not as often as I used to, I read my Bible last night but it was the first time in a while, I went to church last weekend and it was great.. I feel like Paul, asking himself why he sins so much and why he does the things that the world does.. I know that God created me to be special and that I'm not a bad guy, I know that he loves me and has cared for me this whole time even though I have done things that he does not approve of.. I need God in my life more then I need any woman, more then I need to swing dance, more then the enjoyment I would get out of owning a nice car or a big truck.. He has blessed me so much, and I usually don't realize it. I am so thankful for what I have.

Where I'm at in my life..

I think I'm still dating the same girl that I blogged about last... I came home for Christmas to visit my friends and family and to spend some time with my girl friend. The thing is, I think we spent too much time together for as short as we were dating.. I guess she was able to see what I'm really like.. After spending so much time together we both realized that our relationship had a long ways to go. Here is a little insight into how I feel my mind works with I'm away doing military stuff. When I'm here, surrounded by a bunch of other guys, one of the things that gets me through it all is having something to look forward to.. Like when I was at Fort Benning I met a girl online and corresponded with her for about a month or so. It made that last month go fast as I was looking forward to meeting her. Well, I met her and she told me that it wasn't going to work out for various reason. I was fine with that, at least she was honest with me.

Well, taking that perspective into consideration with my current interest these past few days have been challenging. I really like this woman and being away from someone you care about is always hard, but there are a couple of things that help people get through stuff like this. I guess sometimes all I need is a little bit of encouragement. For example, I have gotten some short texts from her telling me that she has been sick lately and I know that she has had a lot of things going on in her life, but just getting a text saying that she is thinking about me or hopes that I have a good day can go a long ways. Shortly after I got back to KY she and I had a DTR (defining the relationship) conversation. Well, it was kinda a DTR only we didn't really define it, we more said that we had to focus on the here and now of our lives rather then getting to far ahead of ourselves. I agreed with her and told her that I will support her in whatever she does. I felt like I wanted to empower her and I wanted her to know that I wanted what was best for her. I guess sometimes I worry and when that happens I just want her to tell me that everything is going to be okay.. But at the same time I can appreciate her telling me that its not okay and its over.. I guess its the part about not knowing or understanding what is going on. One of the many things that is special about this woman is that she is a "straight shooter, no none sense kind of gal," meaning, she says it like it is. So that's the part where I just want to be patient and let her tell me how she feels. If nothing else, I feel like I am becoming more trusting, I'm allowing her to dictate the terms of our relationship, even if it is more of a friendship then anything else..

I guess something else that I am learning is that I don't have many close friends. I think some of it has to do with proximity. Like when I'm in the cities I have some friends who I enjoy doing activities with but when I'm away from home I don't talk to them at all. I have some friends that moved out of the cities but I don't see them as much as I once did, and other friends have moved out of the country so I have lost touch with them.. When my parents moved 7 hrs North of the cities it really decreased my interaction with them as well. My dad still calls me almost weekly, I am thankful for that.

Everything else is going well down here. I am anxious to be busy again, when I'm busy I don't think about my personal life.. It helps me put off worrying about finding a job when I get back to MN and all those other things that I tend to worry about. But this time away has helped me realize that I have to looking forward to other things. I have to look forward to finding a job. I want to find a "dream job" or at least a job that will challenge me but more importantly, something that I will be good at.. I should be able to pay off some of my student loans and possibly get unemployment until I find something that will pay well. I'll have to look into government jobs or working for the State through the military.. I need to be patient and work hard at finding a job rather then taking the easy route, because that usually turns into the hard route.. And I need to focus on God, that's something I haven't been doing for the past couple of months. Pray for me if you think about it,

Thanks,

Trav