Where do I go now??

God is so good! I quit my first job today. Sure, I've quit working at jobs before only to move on to the next one but today I walked away from one. I was selling products in a 100% commission job and I wasn't selling products, so I wasn't making any money. It was difficult for me to stop working. I thought that I was doing everything right and I was, for the most part.. But I didn't close any deals this week. So I guess you could say that I've been unemployed all week but I've been working for free... But it was a good job, I learned a lot. The things I learned about myself and selling in general with this job are:

I don't like to sell people things that they don't really need.

I have the ability to walk into any store and introduce myself.

Most people you run into are very friendly and easy to talk to. The people who aren't friendly or easy to talk to want to be friendly or easy to talk to but they don't know how to do it.

People take you for granted in you are too friendly.

I look good in a suit.

If I eliminate doubt words like, "Well, Um, Oooh, and Ahh," then people are more apt to listen to what I am actually saying.

Some people just don't have "all the right ingredents to make a pie.

God loves me and all I have to do it focus on him!!

Like I said, I have learned a lot working there! Now I'm off to bigger and better things!! I don't know what I am going to do but I'm in good hands!!

Direction

I am an open book. I cannot hide my emotions. I guess I don't really try to hide my emotions unless I'm crying in a movie.. If the movie is good then I cry almost every time. My eyes tear up every time I watch my favorite "chick flick," a walk to remember.. I don't like it when people notice, especially girls. I feel vulnerable when someone notices and then I feel embarassed when they say something.

Not only do my emotions show through, I usually speak what is on my mind. I guess that's both good and bad, but that's why I guess I tell people that I appreciate them, stuff like that. But its good because then there usually isn't much confusion about what I am thinking or what I'm going through.

Right now I'm "going through" my options with my job. I mislead a potential customer on friday and it has really shaken me up. I hate misleading someone, I break their trust for me and that is the worst think I could do.. I feel so bad, I think I am going to apologize to her, it just isn't right, I gave into pressures. It is really effecting my motivation about this job and it has even given me nightmares...

Like I said, I'm an open book, but it is interesting when people notice that I'm not who I usually am. I was tired and sort of out of it the other night and one of my friends noticed. Actually a couple of my friends noticed. I need to think of code names for my friends (to protect their true identities yet still keep it interesting). Well, my friend Grover came over, he told me that he noticed that I wasn't the same. I guess I kinda just took it in stride saying, "yeah, I talked to a lady the other day and it bothered me, plus I haven't been making much money." He seemed to understand. But when I guy tells another guy something like that I guess you don't really talk about it too much.. I guess it kinda surprised me that he noticed. Anyway, we hung out, talk about guy stuff like girls, faith, religion, friends, and life. After we were done worknig on my car Grover and I went snowmobiling, we had a really good time.

I talked to another one of my friends this afternoon and she also commented that it seemed like something wasn't quite right. We'll call her Princess. Well, she also noticed that I didn't seem myself. Its kinda wierd when people say that but at the same time you don't really realize that people pick up on things like that. Well, we talked about it and the only advice that either one of us could really come to was asking God for comfort and direction. Our God is an awesome God! I guess I'm really just considering if this is where God wants me to be...

I have a couple of other friends, I'll think of their code names, some peole coud probably guess who each one is and if that is a problem just let me kow and from here on out I can just go back to calling them "he" and "she." Well, so far I have Grover, SP and Princess but I don't know about the last one... Well, we'll call her SS for Super Supportive. SS is one of the coolest girls I know. This got me into swing dancing and there have been many a Thursdays where all I wanted to do was dance with her because I knew that she would enjoy it. Not only would she enjoy it but she would be super encouraging and supportive!

I love my friends so much, when I get lonley I call them and they cheer me up. When I have a problem I talk to them and I am set at ease. When God is teaching me something I tell them and they encourage me. When I hang out with them I have a really good time!! I thank God all the time for the friends that he has blessed me with!

Attitude Ajustment...

I went out with a different trainer for work today, it was a good experience.. The girl I went out with was very driven and was very sure of herself, she helped me see that I had to be both of those things. I need to be more confident. I talked to a friend of mine tonight and he agreed that my attitude was not very good. It came as a shock to me and as an eye opener because I usually thought that I had an optimistic outlook on life but that wasn't the case. I made a comment, "we'll see how long we last in here..." That is the attitude of someone who has already failed because he has basically already given up. I'll admit, I haven't always had the best self confidence but that too has to change if I expect/am ever to succeed at this job. I need to succeed for a number of reasons:

1. I need to move out of my sister's house while I am still on good terms.
2. I really enjoy this job eventhough it has challenged me more then anything else in my life.
3. I want to be finically secure enough to do things that I enjoy doing.
4. I do not want to quit or be fired from this job.
5. I am running out of money (that actually happened a while ago..)
6. I believe that God gave me this job and I want to suceed.

I have to walk into every business knowing that I am helping them run more efficently and by doing that they will be benifiting from the services that I am providing them. I will still consult them on the best decisions that they could be making. And I need to understand that I can't help everyone, I can only help those who are wiling to help themselves.

I went swing dancing tonight, I could tell that it had been a long time because I ran out of moves.. But the girls I danced with seemed to enjoy dancing with me. I want to believe that they liked dancing with me because they like me, not just because I was wearing a nice suit and tie! I am going to spend some time with God as I am preparing to go to bed.

I felt like crying.

Yesterday was not my best day. I had some things lined up from Tuesday and I was planning to close a couple of deals.. Well, they all fell through. One man decided that it wouldn't work out to spend a little more money and increase his efficiency by five times. Five times more for only three dollars, plus he would be getting a discount that would off set the three dollars more.. Another company basically just hung up the phone. I know me writing this is boring to you readers but setting these things up takes at least an hour and having them thrown out the window really stinks. I was encouraged to talk to a couple business owners who were very friendly but in the end of the day I was feeling sorry for myself. I actually felt like crying. I started asking myself why it isn't working. Why am I not closing deals? Am I being too friendly? The people at work tell me that I'm not assuming the sale. I don't want to be pushy, I could have had two sales yesterday but if I was pushy I am pretty sure that both customers would have said "no" and told me to leave and never come back..

On my drive home I called a close friend, he helped me feel better. Is really wasn't anything he said, just talking to him helped me feel better. I told him flat out that I needed some encouragement. I little encouragement goes a long ways with me.. We talked about him and a job that he applied for, stuff like that. Not talking about me and my problems was a good thing..

I was talking with Jesus this morning. I had to apoligize to him, when I was in my darkest hour yeterday I didn't even tell him about it. If I had only prayed for strength, I know I would have gotten it. If only I had told him that I needed encouragement, I know he would have given it to me on the spot. I really need to work our friendship/relationship. Jesus is there, just waiting for me to call on him. Why am I so focused on the here and now when I'm at work and then I think about Jesus when I go home and lay in my bed. I find that when I am dwelling on Him I am not as tired or broken. I guess it is good to at least understand this part of our relationship, that way I know what I can work on. Why does living by faith seem so different? I need to be living by faith every day. I'll be honest and say that I don't always think about God, but when I make changes and am always dwelling on Him, what an awesome life I will have! I'm sure that I'll still have those days were I will feel like crying out of joy or out of sorrow, but I will be with Him and that is exactly where I want/have to be.

One day at a time, one sale at a time...

Well, I landed another sale today. I'm not rolling in money or anything, actually I haven't been paid yet... Anyway, I try not to think about it. This kinda reminds me of how my parents were living for a long time, my dad's company wasn't making any money so my parents were basically living on faith and going into debt.. But through it all their faith was seriously strengthened.. Who's to say that you're making poor decisions if you truely believe that you are where you believe God wants you? I do not really know if I am were God wants me to be in life but I believe that he is in control.

I guess you could say that lately I've been living on faith and credit. Faith on the spiritual side of things and credit on the "worldly" side of things. Where else would you rather be? I want to follow God and I want to be where God wants me to be... Does that make sense? Well, I guess I will go where ever God is leading me. I don't know why I took this job, but everything seemed to fall into place. I am not a quitter and I am thankful that God has allowed me to learn and succeed. Well, I've been succeeding a little bit at a time. I also praise God for the good attitude that He has given me. Sometimes I have a low self esteem but I think almost everyone has bouts with those types of feelings.. I guess being optimistic helps somewhat too..

Oh, something that I was really thankful for today and praised God in. Well, there was that plane that crash landed in the Hudson River in New York, well that pilot was probably the best person in the world to be flying that plane! Okay, I don't know if he was the best but I believe God put him there for a reason and God deserves credit for that. Praise God for the little things and the things that other people call coincidence..

I've been reading a book lately that has been talking about the intimate relationship that God wants to have with us. I've had difficulties understanding what that relationship looks like or feels like. I want that close relationship and I know that books written by authors don't compare to the Word of God but sometimes they explain things better. I am anxious to see where my relationship goes with God, its not something that always happens over night but I want him to be real to me, not a distant or passing thought. That's just where I am right now, "Learing to Live."

Broomball was Awesome!!

My landlords had a broomball party on Saturday, it was a ton of fun!! Now I am recovering but it was all worth it. It was actually more fun then I thought it would be because some of my closest friends had other things going on. Most of them were out of state though so I can't expect them to make the drive just for a game.. We played for close to three hours, what a workout!!

I chatted with a close friend tonight, we talked for over an hour. He's awesome, its good to be able to confide in someone and be able to trust them. I give trust willingly, maybe that's part of the reason I'm so gullable. I want to believe people when they tell me something, but people are usually pulling my leg. I guess that's a personality flaw of mine, I joke around with people a bunch but then I don't know when they are serious or just kidding around.. Whatever though, I don't really care. Anyway, it is such a blessing to have friends who want to talk. Do I blogg about my friends too much? I hope not. I guess I talk about what is important to me..

I went ice fishing today with some other friends, guy time is nice, you can be yourself and do guy stuff. I'm myself with my other friends, I think I blogged about that, what does it mean to be yourself if you don't really know who you really are? I can be many types of people. Okay, maybe I'm just being dumb... I need to get to bed, enough thinking for tonight.. Praise God for giving us the ability to think and reason!

I made a sale today. I was really proud of myself. My eyes were watering a bit, I wasn't crying, I was just happy and struck with a bit of disbelief. I prayed this morning, not that God would grant me a sale, I simply prayed that God would be with me. What a funny prayer, God is always with us, but I prayed for strength. I am a "people please-er," I try to make everyone e happy but that is not always possible in the sales industry. If you could make everyone you talked to happy then you should probably consider going into politics.. I am not a politician though.. I am learning how to communicate with people, I guess that's what it comes down to. I am anxious to see where this job takes me and see if I really have what it takes.

I hung out with some friends tonight, I had a good time. It is so nice to be able to talk freely about things that you are thinking about, especially when you know that everyone cares about each other. We all have our own struggles and doubts but it is encouraging to know that someone cares about you.

I am looking forward to the weekend, having free time and hanging out with friends.

No one every said that it would be easy.

Hey,
I went to work agian today, determined to talk to people and help them out with their needs. I talked to a lot of people and let them know what their options were but I still walked away empty handed. I need to "assume the sale" and I need to be persistent. I was told today that one of the sales guys went three weeks before he landed a deal or became consistent... Knowing that helps me come to grasps with working my area for three days and not making any money. I know that I can do this, I want to do this..

I went to a friend's house tonight, it was cool, probably the best use of my time. I am so fortunate to have friends who care about me. About a year ago I was not in the same situation that I am in now. I was actually really lonely. We are all lonely at one time or another, it happens to the best of us. God has helped me because he is always there, but sometimes you just need someone to talk to or hang out with. If anyone is every lonely I want to know about it. Lonely people need encouragment and quality time with other people, I guess that's where friends come in.. Thanks friends.

One of those days.

Trav, here. I had one of those days that I guess you would put in the "Learning" column.. I'm in sales and in sales of any type, time management has a lot to do with what you get done. There are things that are uncontrollable, called "Uncontrollables," you can't allow yourself to get upset over them. Well, there are times when I am kinda a perfectionist because I want to be the best at whatever I'm doing and I am very critical with myself as far as how I'm performing or what I'm doing with my time. I am starting out at the bottom of the ladder with this job so I can't set my goals too high and get upset with having a bad day. I'm usually pretty optimistic too, so I think its a good mix of both traits. I hope to be successful eventually, but that is hard to do when you dig yourself a hole like I did today. What happened today is I spent over three hours with a customer and walked away empty handed. Like I said, I'm going to chalk this one up as a learning experience.

The rest of my time management was fine though besides that three hour block of time, I ate lunch in the car and when I had to go to the bathroom really really bad I just found a parking lot next to a city park where no one was around and took care of business. What would you think if you saw a dude all dressed up in a nice suit and tie, taking care of business in a vacant parking lot? I'd think, "Wow, that guy is dedicated to his job!" I want to save face with my boss too. He was ready to give me a new T (territory) yesterday but I'm not one to give up, I want to put forth a good effort before I start complaining about things not going my way. Actually, I don't want to complain about anything. If I have a problem then I need to fix it rather then waiting around for someone else to come in and do all the work for me. I was on my own today in my T, when you're on your own you understand that its "showtime," and that's where the "rubber meets the road!" Well, I'm going to "put the pedal to the metal," and "get the heck out of dodge." Okay, that's enough sayings for now.. But yeah, "Attitude is everything." Okay, not everything but if I wanted to feel sorry for myself for only going to 8 businesses when the goal is 50, then I wouldn't be helping anyone!

I just heard from my friends who are vacationing out West, I wish I was there! I need to start up the wheeler and plow the broomball rink tonight, right now its only tweleve below so I should be okay..

Oh, one more thing about today. I prayed to God today, to give me patience (when I was on hold for a long time after getting disconnect three times...) he gave me patience! I used to lay away at night thinking about life, coming to grasps with how short life really is, and what it means to die. I'll admit that sometimes I would get scared, and that's when I would call out to God. I would seriously call out to God in an audiable voice, not just in my head, and you know what would happen? I would fall asleep almost immeadiately. I believe that is God answering my calls because he would comfort me. He would relax me so much that I would just drift off to sleep... God is so good, I can't imagine what my life would be like or what I would be living for without Him.

In the past couple of months I've read a couple of book that have helped me better understand the personality of God. Not just his personality but how personable he is. He is so personable that he yearns to have a relationship with us. Not just the you are God and I am a meaningless no body, He wants for me to know him, personally. Jesus is like my best friend who I can't see. My friends called me today! They called me!! I was so happy because they called me! I'm usually the one who calls so to get a call from them meant a lot more then they will ever know! I feel so loved right now. Now, to relate that go Jesus. He died for me. Are they at all similar? They are similar but what Jesus did is so much more. When I was younger I considered what it would take to give my life for someone I loved. I know we all have self preservation but I think I could do it, especially for someone I loved.. But Jesus did it for me. And now he is still there to be my friend. This is just the way I see it and the way I can best explain it. My relationship so growing with God. I hope it always grows.

In Bible study someone commented that we always talk about the relationship that we will have with God when we go to heaven but there is nothing that says that we can't have that here and now, is there? Well, that concept totally blew me away, like my entire ship left the water! I want that! I want that relationship! I want that sincerity! I want to know Jesus like that! That is difficult to do when just about everything we hear totally contradicts that. But we are not of the world, the world is foreign to us. I am dwelling on Christ, not the world. But even sales is of this world... I need God, I don't need sales. I need God and I need to have that type of companionship type relationship that I've attempted to find here on earth with other humans... I need you God.

What are you made of?

You find out what you are really made of when you get into a difficult situation. I don't really know what I'm made of though, so that's kinda a dumb line.. I went into a business today (as a sales person) and the guy I was supposed to talk to told me flat out, "I'm not interested!" And I said, "oh, okay, thanks for taking the time, good bye..." And then I had to face the music when I got out to the care and told my trainer that I had just left. What I was supposed to say was something like this, "Darren (that was really his name), I totally understand that you are not interested, I just here to make sure you're getting the best prices..." Yeah, didn't even get that far, I just left with my tail tucked between my legs... I keep telling myself, "knowing what I know now, that won't happend again and then it happens.. Why can't I just be naturally good and people say, "I want to buy, don't even pitch me, I just want what you've got!! But then I'd just take it for granted... I want to do well with this job and being that it is commission based, I need to do well before I starve... Well, I need to go to bed, been reading a book that a friend gave me for Christmas, I'm looking forward to it!! TTYL

What is work?

I'm getting ready to go to work again, I don't know why I call it work, I haven't really done anything yet.. I'm still in training, waiting for my badge to come in and for my drug nest to come back negative. But I might be opening my T (territory) today on one of the coldest days of the year. Right now it is -22 degrees outside, or twenty two below, I wish it was just 22 out!! Yeah, so hopefully my car starts... Two of my closest friends are out in Colorado, I wish I was there! I was actually considering moving out there until I met this group of friends. I would be so lonely if I moved out there. I hate being lonley even though sometimes I wish for it. We are never truely alone if we focus on God. I need to get going.

Memories, good and bad.

My sister's inlaws came over tonight and we had some birthday cake. It was a good time. I hope I have cool inlaws some day.

Bob and I went out for a snomobile ride so that was fun. Both the snomobiles ran really well. I enjoy snowmobiling, I grew up riding them. I have so many memories. Do you ever just sit there and think about all the things you've done and all the places you've been? Some people tell me that I have really good memory.
I remember a family trip we went on one time, we drove out to Oregan and visited my aunt and uncle out there. Eden, my aunt, if Filippino, my uncle met her when he was in the Marine Corps. My cousins were fun to play with but they are a lot younger then me. Its interesting, my uncle is the youngest in the family and he has some of the youngest kids.. I guess my parents got started fairly early though. I remember driving out there, we went past miles and miles of barren land. Well, it wasn't barren, feilds had once been there but they weren't being used anymore. That was the summer right before I left for basic training. I remember lying in bed in basic training thinking about all those acres of unused land, there was beauty there. The nothingness was beautiful. I have wondered what it would be like to live there, I don't know what I would do but the loneliness was somewhat comforting, espeically when I was stressed out about basic training. Then I was bitten by a spider and spent two weeks in a medical ward. I had good spirits though, I am usually pretty optimistic even when times are tuff. I remember the guy in the bed across from me, he was tired of the military and tired of being in the hospital. I hope I encouraged him somewhat, I was in worse shape then he was, he just has surgery to remove some cartledge from his knee.

The military.

I remember hearing stories from soliders who came out of "med hold." They were scary stories about soldiers losing their minds from being stuck in Medical Hold as they were supposed to be recovering. I guess they had to work all day and lift heavy objects even though they were supposed to be recovering... These may just be dumb stories or tall tails but I heard stories of soliders thowing buffing machines out windows with the cord wrapped around their neck so that it would break their necks and kill them to put them out of the misery that they were in, or cutting their wrists or ODing on meds. What a sad place to be. Sometimes I wish I could have been there to witness to them or at least encourage them..

I like encouraging people and I like telling them how special they are. Everyone is special. My mom was special but I guess she had medical problems that caused her to take her own life. I don't hear very much about her and you usually don't know much about someone when you are 8 years old. I've been told that I'm a lot like my dad, but I wonder how much I'm like my mom.. What would my mom tell me today if she was here?

What would you tell your loved ones if you knew that you wouldn't be here tomarrow? Do you hold anything back? Do you really tell them how much to love them or care about them? Do you ever tell your closest friends or loved ones how much you appreciate them? I told my sister that I appreciated her, it was probably the first time I had ever told her something like that. Its funny how our family seems to be close but we don't really say anything about it. Communication is really a two way street, but if you are willing to communicate with someone, sometimes they are more willing to communicate back. Today my sister told me that she was annoyed that I didn't shovel the driveway after it had snowed, they were out of town and came back to find that I hadn't really done anything. I am glad that she told me, that's communication. She told me that she was annoyed and now I know to shovel next time. I love my sister, even when she makes me mad. My sister is so driven and caring, and she isn't afraid to tell me things even if she hurts my feelings. I guess that's what sisters are for. I've been hurt but I think she has helped make me stronger. But sometimes she doesn't understand that I hodl her opinion higher then anyone else's. I would take her advise over most people's because she really wants what is best for me and she knows me better than anyone else. I can't imagine life without her...

I read a brother's (fellow Christian) blog, he was talking about his faith. It made me wonder what my own father believes. I know that he is a believer but he doesn't talk about it. I remember growing up, my dad would read something out of a book for us and then we would pray, it was enouraging, but I don't know that I really understood my faith at that time in my life.. We used to have Friday night game nights where we would play games together, I enjoyed it. Uno was banned though because my sister and I would cry when we lost. I guess you could say that I'm somewhat competitive.

Oh the memories.

I have truely been blessed.

I am not a robot.

Yesterday I took a nice long nap and then I stayed up until 2 in the morning. Then when I was checking my email I realized that I could have met some friends of mine for brunch. It would have been a long drive but I can do two hours no problem. If only I hadn't stayed up so late blogging last night. But it feels go to write things down. I know that in the past I wrote letters to people and didn't actually send them, what a sense of relief! I guess blogging is the same thing, but I would be weary to post a letter directly to someone on a blog.. I'm sure that is is done all the time though!

Dreams are kinda crazy. Sometime I feel like I can control what I'm dreaming and other times I have no control overy anything except the ability to force myself to wake up and end the dream. Last night I was dreaming about pitching (trying to sell) to someone. I don't really remember if it worked out, but the nice things about this job is I will be giving people what they want. I won't get too into depth on the subject but its kinda crazy that I was dreaming that. But the thing that is really cool, it was not a stressful dream at all. I used to work retail and I would have dreams about restocking shelves and cleaning things up and then restocking shelves, and then people telling me what to do... I would wake up and not be well rested at all and then I'd go to work and stock picture frames for a couple of hours, not fun!

I'm supposed to be meeting with a man who I graduated high school with, I guess he wants to know how I think God is my strength or why I think that he is in control of my life. You know something, you don't really realize how little strength you have until you are really tested. Life is so fragile and people are dying every day. Who am I to think that I am invincable and why do I live as if I am going to live forever. How can I go through a day and not even think about God, or Jesus and how Jesus died for me? The Bible is real. Those things really happened! I believe that! I believe that our God is the God of the universe. Why does God allow bad things to happen to good people? Because we live in an evil world and because He has given us free will. We are not robots, however there are those out there that believe that Christians are mindless unthinking robots. That is so ignorant to believe. Just because I don't believe in what you believe then I must not have the ability to think and reason? I choose to believe in what I believe and I am not going to judge you for what you feel is right or wrong.

I want to love all people. Being in the military, the only color skin I saw was Green. When I meet someone on the street I want to know what the ethical origin is because it explans a lot about how they wish to be treated. All people want respect but I want to respect their customs and courtiseys. I can't spell. Okay, I just thought about that and it might not have made any sense. I guess the thing about writng things down as they come out of your head, they don't always make sense...

I need to take a shower, eat something, pick up the rest of my "tailored" suit and finish cleaning my room. My brother (in-law) and I made plans to go snowmobiling this afternoon and I need to plow the broom ball rink. We are having a party next weekend so it will give me something to look forward to this whole week. I haven't given this blogg address out to anyone so we'll see if I ever do. Yeah, some guys where blogging when we were in Iraq... I don't know if that would have good for me, I was pretty stressed out and upset with my situation.. I'm getting better but sometimes when I talk about it I get mad again. I'm not usually such an angry person though, or am I and I just don't want other people to think that? Okay, its not noon yet but I need to get going. We'll see how often I am able to blog, maybe I'll just be a weekend warrior or maybe I'll actually have something to talk about every day.. I'll have to tell everyone (no one since no one knows about this blog yet) how my first day goes!

Trav

Starting my life

I have been on cruise control for as long as I can remember. I went through High School wanting things or wanting to be things just so people would notice me. I wanted to play piano becaue a girl I liked played piano and then I would have something in common with her. But why did I play piano? I enjoy playing the piano now, its fun to read the notes and play them, but I'm not very good. Why do I want anything in life? Do I want money so that I can buy things? I basically have everything that I want so why do I buy other things? I have always had a girl friend because I wanted companionship, but I was looking for companionship in all the wrong places.

A good friend asked me what God was doing in my life, the question was so simple yet so direct, it came as a shock to me, I didn't really know what to tell her. God, what have you been doing in my life? I had a converation with a fellow a short time ago about evolution and gods, and how when I feel God leading me then I am just like everyone else in the world who feels like their god is leading them in a specific direction. I've heard the saying, "the winner writes the records" well there are a lot of people out there who believe that the Christian Bible (or Catholic Bible for that matter) was written by people who want to sway one's beliefs in order gain control over them. Well, I will admit to being under someone's authority, I am under God, my God. I give him my alligence and I want to serve him. Why is he the winner and why does he get to write the books? Well, because he will always win, he's God. Yehwey, the Alpha and Omega, the begining and the end, he was before there was a was. I don't claim to be smart or an intellectual, I am who I am.

But what is it that I want?

I want to be loved. My dad said that he loved me today. I am truely loved.

I want to be trusted. When I was in the National Guard, my soldiers knew that they could count on me to help them whatever their problem was becasue I truely cared about them. I am trusted.

I want people to like me. Does anyone really know me for who I am or do they only know the person I want them to know? Who really knows me? My sister knows me. My brother-in-law knows me. A couple of my friends probably have a good idea about who I am. But who am I? Why am I so sarcastic? Why do I say dumb things that hurt people? Why do I say nice things that make people feel good? Why can't I just say what I am thinking straight up rather then saying things so sarcastically? Are all those things who I am or who I want people to see me as? I must be doing a good job portratying someone people like to be around so people must like me.

I want to love. I have some of the coolest and closest friends I have ever had. Man, God is so good! I am so thankful for the friends that he has blessed me with, and he continues to bless me with more and more friends. I love my friends.

I want to be successful. I have never failed even though I have been challenged. I started a new job recently and I will admit, I have had some days that have really tested me to see if I can take rejection. Every time that I have been rejected I have been able to get over the hurt and feelings of failure, but I have not failed. God has blessed me, eventhough I have not always blessed him. I recently read a book that some friends recommended I read, "Redeeming Love" by Francene Rivers, I would recommend this book to girls and guys alike. I think we all can relate to this book some way or another. Well, in this book God talks to Micheal by addressing him as "Beloved." I believe that he addresses me in the same way, because He loves and cares for me. The first time I read a part when God talked to Micheal calling him "beloved" a chill went down my spine. What if God talks to me like that? What if God has a plan for my life? What if God is with me every day of my life? The funny thing is though, God does talk to me like that, He does have a plan for my life, and he has been with me all the days of my life, even when I've been so distant from him.

So, with this new job I am basically starting a new chapter of my life. I told a friend that so far I think I may really enjoy this job. We will see though, I haven't left the kiddy pool yet, I'm still splashing around with my arm floaties on... I titled it "Starting my life" because it seems like I am living for myself and God for the first time in my life, before this I was serving the Army. I have God, I have close friends and I have a family that loves me, I have all the support that I need to spread my wings and fly. I am starting my life...

Since this is my first blog then maybe sometime I can tell some funny stories or something like that. If there are any special requests for stories out there please let me know and I can write them.. The thing is, I doubt they will be as funny as when I tell them, the delievery usually has a lot to do with it.