Starting my life

I have been on cruise control for as long as I can remember. I went through High School wanting things or wanting to be things just so people would notice me. I wanted to play piano becaue a girl I liked played piano and then I would have something in common with her. But why did I play piano? I enjoy playing the piano now, its fun to read the notes and play them, but I'm not very good. Why do I want anything in life? Do I want money so that I can buy things? I basically have everything that I want so why do I buy other things? I have always had a girl friend because I wanted companionship, but I was looking for companionship in all the wrong places.

A good friend asked me what God was doing in my life, the question was so simple yet so direct, it came as a shock to me, I didn't really know what to tell her. God, what have you been doing in my life? I had a converation with a fellow a short time ago about evolution and gods, and how when I feel God leading me then I am just like everyone else in the world who feels like their god is leading them in a specific direction. I've heard the saying, "the winner writes the records" well there are a lot of people out there who believe that the Christian Bible (or Catholic Bible for that matter) was written by people who want to sway one's beliefs in order gain control over them. Well, I will admit to being under someone's authority, I am under God, my God. I give him my alligence and I want to serve him. Why is he the winner and why does he get to write the books? Well, because he will always win, he's God. Yehwey, the Alpha and Omega, the begining and the end, he was before there was a was. I don't claim to be smart or an intellectual, I am who I am.

But what is it that I want?

I want to be loved. My dad said that he loved me today. I am truely loved.

I want to be trusted. When I was in the National Guard, my soldiers knew that they could count on me to help them whatever their problem was becasue I truely cared about them. I am trusted.

I want people to like me. Does anyone really know me for who I am or do they only know the person I want them to know? Who really knows me? My sister knows me. My brother-in-law knows me. A couple of my friends probably have a good idea about who I am. But who am I? Why am I so sarcastic? Why do I say dumb things that hurt people? Why do I say nice things that make people feel good? Why can't I just say what I am thinking straight up rather then saying things so sarcastically? Are all those things who I am or who I want people to see me as? I must be doing a good job portratying someone people like to be around so people must like me.

I want to love. I have some of the coolest and closest friends I have ever had. Man, God is so good! I am so thankful for the friends that he has blessed me with, and he continues to bless me with more and more friends. I love my friends.

I want to be successful. I have never failed even though I have been challenged. I started a new job recently and I will admit, I have had some days that have really tested me to see if I can take rejection. Every time that I have been rejected I have been able to get over the hurt and feelings of failure, but I have not failed. God has blessed me, eventhough I have not always blessed him. I recently read a book that some friends recommended I read, "Redeeming Love" by Francene Rivers, I would recommend this book to girls and guys alike. I think we all can relate to this book some way or another. Well, in this book God talks to Micheal by addressing him as "Beloved." I believe that he addresses me in the same way, because He loves and cares for me. The first time I read a part when God talked to Micheal calling him "beloved" a chill went down my spine. What if God talks to me like that? What if God has a plan for my life? What if God is with me every day of my life? The funny thing is though, God does talk to me like that, He does have a plan for my life, and he has been with me all the days of my life, even when I've been so distant from him.

So, with this new job I am basically starting a new chapter of my life. I told a friend that so far I think I may really enjoy this job. We will see though, I haven't left the kiddy pool yet, I'm still splashing around with my arm floaties on... I titled it "Starting my life" because it seems like I am living for myself and God for the first time in my life, before this I was serving the Army. I have God, I have close friends and I have a family that loves me, I have all the support that I need to spread my wings and fly. I am starting my life...

Since this is my first blog then maybe sometime I can tell some funny stories or something like that. If there are any special requests for stories out there please let me know and I can write them.. The thing is, I doubt they will be as funny as when I tell them, the delievery usually has a lot to do with it.